Fantasy solid for England World Cup film – Jason Statham to Gary Barlow’s huge son

As the dust settles from our agonising semi final exit to Argentina, we have been trying to distract ourselves from the misery by fantasy casting a Hollywood movie based on the rollercoaster campaign

It was all doom and gloom after England’s tragic World Cup defeat against Argentina. The Three Lions looked set to end 60 years without a World Cup final after Anthony Gordon’s goal broke the deadlock – before predictably succumbing meekly to Messi and co by the final whistle.

But let’s not forget that this was an epic campaign with some magic moments. From Jude Bellingham’s superhero act to Djed Spence and Dan Burn’s iconic last-ditch defending, it often provided the sort of drama usually reserved for Hollywood blockbusters.

So to cure the metaphorical and literal hangovers from last night, we came up with our dream casting for a hypothetical movie about our latest doomed efforts to land the big one. Here’s who we chose to star in a film not coming to a cinema near you anytime soon…

Harry Kane played by Tom Hardy

Tom Hardy has starred in some massive projects, so surely he is now ready for his biggest challenge yet. Surely only Batman star Hardy could nail the England skipper’s grit.

Lionel Messi played by Jeremy Hunt

Whilst it might not be the most conventional pick, a quick Google of the two next to each other will show you the former Chancellor and football’s GOAT appear to have been separated at birth.

Jude Bellingham played by himself?

The mega-talented superstar previously told Fox that acting appeals to him, and that he would “love to be in a film”. He confessed his love for the Bond films, adding “I’d love to be James Bond”.

Raúl Jiménez played by Antonio Banderas

Raúl Jiménez starred for Mexico during their run in the tournament. Banderas has a long history of playing lovable rogues (as well as animated felines) so he would fit perfectly.

Bukayo Saka played by Damson Idris

Only someone as devilishly handsome as Damson Idris could convincingly play Saka. Idris nailed his performance as a plucky rookie in the F1 movie, giving him the exact credentials needed to play the boy wonder.

Declan Rice played by Hugh Grant

Grant might be a bit older than Rice, but it’s nothing a bit of VFX magic can’t fix. Grant is an English acting icon, and his cheeky smile and easy charm make him perfect to portray the Arsenal midfield dynamo.

Alan Shearer played by Phil Mitchell

There was only ever one man for this job – Phil Mitchell (aka Steve McFadden). Shearer seems to be morphing into Albert Square’s greatest ever hardman in his later years.

Thomas Tuchel played by Jason Statham

Tuchel might not have Statham’s muscles, but we certainly wouldn[‘t mess with him. So it’s either action hero Statham or we shave Cumberbatch bald.

David and Victoria Beckham played by Katie Price and Lee Andrews

The Beckhams would absolutely hate it but at least we could likely guarantee their casting. Even if it would mean the movie likely went straight to DVD.

Dan Burn played by Gary Barlow’s massive son

When you’re looking for someone tall, the Take That star’s son is the natural choice. Other possibilities include Jake Gyllenhaal, Shaquille O’Neal or a 4×4 fence post from B&Q.

Jordon Pickford played by Thomas Turgoose

The resemblance is truly uncanny. Turgoose is known his role in This is England, where he hangs around with people who possess similar levels of rage to Pickford.

Anthony Gordon played by Claire Balding

This one is absolutely nailed on. It’s either this or an AI Princess Diana.

Keir Starmer played by Lee Riley from Gogglebox

Lee might not be the most well-known celeb, but he certainly has the enthusiasm to carry the show. Plus his Gogglebox experience means he would absolutely nail a shot of Keir watching England on the telly.

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