‘I used to be trapped in a tube snog fest earlier than 9am so right here’s my rush hour etiquette checklist’

My rush hour Tube commute was ruined at 08:57 when a couple launched into an 11 minute full on snog and grope session right on top of me, so I wrote a no nonsense public transport etiquette list.

I had the absolute displeasure of being a victim of aggressive PDA this morning on the tube. It hadn’t even turned 9am yet, when a visibly horny couple thought it was appropriate to snog inside my commute, at peak rush hour, on my way to work.

Day ruined at 8.57am. I’m talking tongues, wet mouth sounds, hands crawling under clothes, sexual whispers, constant whiff of morning breath from gaping mouths catching air in between necking on.

We were all packed like sardines, the tube had reached its maximum capacity, and I was standing in the corner of the carriage’s doors. The aroused couple thought it was their world and the rest of us tired passengers were all just living in it.

Worse, they didn’t care, or notice, that their disgusting making out session was unfolding on my poor trapped body. If I can smell your breath, if it feels like your clicky tongue is inside my ear, and I can physically feel your hand moving up and down your girlfriend’s back, you are illegally too close to me!

I never consented to being a witness to this early morning PDA, nevermind having a couple nearly having coitus on my cornered-self. The make out session lasted for the entire journey – a miserable 11 minutes that I will never get back.

And if you think that’s not a long time, try potholing in total darkness for a few seconds. The panic of being stuck in a dangerous and uncomfortable situation?

The complete lack of control? The feeling of impending doom?

Whatever you’d feel, the PDA couple made me feel 1000x worse. There is a time and place for this type of intense physical expression of romance, and morning rush hour in a tube packed to the brim is not it.

Consequently, the couple who ruined my morning made me realise several other behaviours that should be banned on public transportation.

So, I thought it would be appropriate to share some commuting etiquette and compile the “definitely don’t do thats” in a list.

Don’t do that in public transportation:

Not taking off your backpack when the carriage is rammed. As Daily Star’s editor Andy said: “Getting a JanSport in your face on the way to work is not how I want to spend my 6.46am. “Take it off, hold it by your side and I’ll just deal with your armpit, thanks.”

Rushing inside the commute without waiting for people to get out first. “It should be a jail-able offense,” Daily Star’s Ruby said.

Gross bodily care. Editor Meg shared: “My sister once saw a man who was – I kid you not – cutting his toenails first thing in the morning on the DLR. He was wearing a suit, apparently. “

Eat fast food, or smelly food in general. As our James said: “Trying to get home and someone’s stinking up the carriage with a Maccies.”

Playing music through loud speakers or watching videos out loud.

Partake in Tommy Robinson’s Unite the Kingdom marches, writer Ed suggested after witnessing an alarming amount of these.

Leave your bag on empty seats.

Not saying thank you to the bus driver.

People talking loudly on the phone. “Keep it to yourself,” James added.

“W—— who don’t move down the train when it’s full,” Daily Star’s Ash said.

“People who don’t walk on the right side of the escalator,” Daily Star’s Josh shared.

Pushing to the front of the queue for the tube.

Manspreading.

Littering.

Performative FinancialTimesreadingspreading.

Cross conversations amongst friends who have been separated across a carriage.

Coughing and sneezing without covering your mouth.

Bag spreading.

“I once saw someone bursting a spot on their face,” Gabrielle said.

Anything I should add?

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