‘My ex solely slept with me for a guess – our relationship was by no means actual’
JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who was devastated to discover that her ex-lover was playing a cruel game
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Every day, the Daily Star’s very own agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice.
From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn’t slowing down.
If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email [email protected]. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
He said he loved me
The nine months I spent with my ex-boyfriend were the happiest of my life. We laughed; we loved and went on two great mini-breaks. My colleagues thought he was lovely and even my Dad, who never thinks any lad is good enough for me, gave him the seal of approval. He even suggested we should get married, and he and my Mum offered us cash towards a flat.
Therefore, you can imagine my utter devastation when my guy dropped me without an explanation on my birthday last October. I begged him to tell me what I’d done wrong. I offered to do anything to make things right, but he continued to walk away without a backward glance. Now I’ve heard a spiteful rumour that our relationship was never real – that it was all a big joke.
I’ve been told by a friend of a friend that my ex-boyfriend only dated me for a bet. A wager. He’s extremely close to six mates from uni – and they put him up to it. They set him a list of tasks that he had to complete to ‘win’ their approval. Apparently, they’re always doing this sort of thing to each other.
From undertaking certain sex acts to getting me to wear particular items of clothing, it’s claimed that I was his project. I was chosen because I was considered gullible and desperate for love and attention. My heart is broken. Am I really such failure in other people’s eyes? I still can’t believe that our relationship was fake because he and I had fun. We had a connection and our sex life was fantastic. We laughed and there was a genuine spark between us. One night I swear he whispered: “I love you”. Now I can’t get hold of him. I can’t believe he’s happy. My mate has seen him around and reported back that he looks terrible. What should I do next?
JANE SAYS: Your ex-boyfriend must be a very peculiar individual if he’s happy to allow his old university pals to set him tasks and pull his strings. Why is he so in thrall to them? Is his own self-confidence so low that he’ll do anything – no matter how cruel – to impress and stay in with the gang? Where is his backbone or his moral compass? I urge you to forget this guy and mentally erase the time you spent together. Only you and he know what really went on during your intimate moments, but if he’s so weak that he can’t stand up for himself, then he’s no good to you.
Don’t contact him again and don’t feel sorry for him, even if he is moping around, because you will never know what motivates the man.
Tell your friends that you’re not interested in tittle-tattle; that you don’t wish to hear anything about him, because you have a life to live.
Accept that, sadly, some people are nasty and weak; they are not what they seem. You are worth ten of him and his revolting mob. If a crime has been committed then please report it to the police, so that no one else has to go through this. Confide in your parents so that they understand what you’re experiencing.
Daddy cool
My partner was happily playing the field when we met. We embarked on a sexual relationship and then she got pregnant. Over the years ours has been an on/off affair. We’ve tried living together but we’re both stubborn and struggle to share a space for too long. Now she has two children whom she swears are mine, but I’m not convinced I’m the father.
I love the kids but can’t help thinking that she has taken advantage and used me for money.
Dare I question her, or would that cause too much misery?
JANE SAYS: Think of the children. You love them and you’re the only father they’ve ever known; upsetting their world would be devastating.
If you’ve been in an on-going sexual relationship with their mother, then the chances are you are their true dad. All couples go through ups and downs, and it might be tempting to ask for a DNA test, but I’d urge you to proceed with extreme caution. The fact is that the children won’t be young for long and they need you.
Obviously, you must do whatever you feel is right.
Keep talking to your partner and insist on a number of significant changes if you feel you’re being used.
Better terms
Back in September a neighbour dumped her kids on me. She ordered me to take them to school and pick them up, along with my two sons. Every night I gave her kids tea and helped with homework before she rocked up after 7pm. She has a stressful career, but she took liberties while never offering me a penny. How do I start the New Year afresh?
JANE SAYS: Your neighbour’s children are not your responsibility. Level with her. Explain that a small favour has grown into a huge responsibility. If you’re inclined to keep helping, then insist on an acceptable fee. If you’re not, then insist she makes other arrangements. She knows what she’s doing – and she’s taking advantage. Do not feel guilty. You have your own family to worry about.
