Chelsea’s ball-huddle is cringe and Liam Rosenior is David Brent-ing his method to the sack
BRENT A GOB: This week, Harry Brent is slamming Liam Rosenior and Chelsea for their weird new ball-huddle tactic and the folks who claimed Igor Tudor has ‘ruined’ Spurs keeper Antonin Kinsky’s career
Our man Harry Brent is fuming in his latest column
Chelsea’s new obsession with huddling around the ball is the biggest load of performative nonsense since everyone clanged pots and pans for the NHS.
It’s the latest instalment of Liam Rosenior’s growing anthology of cringe-inducing David Brentisms. First we had the “manage = man + age” word salad. Now, he’s got his squad of overpaid underachievers “respecting the ball” by standing in a circle and staring at a PUMA Orbita like it’s a bleedin’ piece of the True Cross.
Respecting the ball? What does that even mean? Are they trying to meld minds with it? Are they whispering sweet nothings through the valve in the hopes it’ll develop consciousness and steer itself into the top corner – or better yet, head vaguely in the direction of the goal the next time Liam Delap boots it?
Like Greta Thunberg, Chelsea are trying so hard to look radical while doing absolutely nothing of substance. This is the kind of pseudo-intellectual claptrap you’d expect from a sociology student with stress relief incense and a “Live, Laugh, Love” wall stencil in their bedroom.
The only mind game being played here is on the poor fans who have paid eighty-odd quid to watch 11 grown men have a group therapy session with a piece of sports equipment.
It’s the footballing equivalent of Matt Hancock – it’s embarrassing, self-indulgent, and frankly, a bit creepy.
‘Gor blimey
Don’t get me wrong, Igor Tudor looks about as convincing a manager as Donald Trump does a Nobel Peace Prize candidate, but the backlash he got for hooking Antonin Kinsky against Atletico Madrid last week was lunacy – Martin Keown insisting Noni Madueke didn’t dive to win a penalty against Leverkusen-levels of lunacy.
The Czech keeper looked like he’d won his place in Tottenham’s line-up in a church raffle. He was shaking like a leaf and cost Spurs two goals in 15 minutes before getting the Liz Truss treatment: kicked the curb to stop the numbers plummeting any further.
Yanking him off was the correct call – and the fact that Tudor is getting painted as some sort of heartless monster for it makes as much sense as, well… Tottenham hiring Tudor in the first place: a man with the same Premier League and relegation-battling experience as Jennifer Aniston.
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Nevertheless, the bleeding hearts have predictably accused the Croat of “ruining Kinsky’s career,” of throwing him under the bus, as if he’s some Make-A-Wish mascot who should be applauded for his bravery.
Rubbish. He’s a professional athlete who had a stinker. The idea that Tudor should have spared him the humiliation of being subbed off is the sort of self-sabotaging, weapons-grade snowflakery that gave us trigger warnings on Shakespeare.
Do I feel sympathy for Kinksy? Of course! But his feelings shouldn’t be prioritised over what’s best for Tottenham – which, in that moment, was getting him the hell off the pitch!
