BEL MOONEY: Am I courageous sufficient to go away my poisonous, indignant husband?

Dear Bel,

I have a wonderful loving family. I met my husband at 15, and have seen my life marred by his filthy temper. He is not schizophrenic but the usually pleasant caring guy transforms into the Incredible Hulk if I oppose him on certain topics. He usually pretends it hasn’t happened or aggressively blames me for causing it.

He screams abuse – very often the same stuff every time – generally what an awful person I am. If I am unwell it’s because I am so vile.

It’s not just the words, it’s the venom. It feels as if a bucket of cold s*** has been poured over you. There’s no point in arguing or trying to calm him down. I feel permanently trapped. My choices are, put up with this or go for a divorce – which seems a huge upheaval.

I used to put up with it because I had very low self-esteem and thought I deserved it. I have had counselling: some helped, some didn’t but five different counsellors told me to leave him. I didn’t take their advice. My children grew up with it and said I should have left years ago. I chose to stay so they are no longer willing to get involved.

My self-esteem is no longer low. I know I don’t deserve all this.

Ten years ago I started divorce proceedings but he persuaded me it would bankrupt us as our business was struggling. He promised a fresh start and for a few years it was better.

But in the past 18 months it’s considerably worse. Two episodes were hugely aggressive and frightening. I suffered so badly from anxiety I had to get some CBT counselling.

Then we went through a dramatic few months where he was ill and life changed. I did everything possible to support him, get him the best care and continued struggling with our business. Then the scary prognosis turned out to be incorrect and he was given a reprieve.

I thought he would appreciate me more now. I feel as if my existence has always been about supporting his life choices and now I am older I want to stop working and spend time at interests I currently have no time or energy for. He says no.

The combination of the abusive episodes and his unwillingness to start winding down the company have left me hating my life. I’m just too broken to enjoy anything any more. I don’t even know what I am asking you for – I just feel so unhappy and alone.

KAREN

Nobody should underestimate how hard it is to get out of a bad marriage – unless you have resources and (very likely) a lover to flee to. Those people are lucky. It takes a brave person to go through the enormous upheaval of getting a divorce when the end result will be enormous complications, financial worries and ultimately coping with life on their own.

Often remaining in a bad marriage seems to be the best option – like the old lag afraid of leaving a life in prison – even if that means bowing your head to a life of misery. Is that overstating what you have been through? I don’t think so.

In many ways your husband sounds like a narcissist. Although, as always, I am wary of the kind of easy diagnosis off the page. But you would do well to research the topic online for some pointers re what you are dealing with.

Of course, you know already – and so do your children – but more information might help to give you the strength to see your future more clearly. You have been bullied into submission but isn’t your low mood a sign that the universe is telling you it’s not too late to change?

Five counsellors told you to leave. That is a lot of advice to pay for – then ignore. Your kids tell you that you should have left their father ‘years ago’. That is a lot of love and sorrow to hear – and then ignore.

And now, if you don’t know what you are asking me, then I don’t know what to say to you – because any wise advice from me will just be ignored too. Or will it? You made the effort to write. Please see that as the all-important first step.

I really do realise how hard it is to leave a long marriage. Whatever the circumstances, a break-up can leave you feeling like a failure, causing already low self-esteem to plummet even further. Once you had such hopes; now they have been shattered.

Even ending a toxic, verbally abusive marriage can leave you full of grief – because you look back at a life of unhappiness, which you have been brainwashed into thinking was and is entirely your fault. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

But is it? No matter what age you are, the struggle to leave a bad marriage is worth it, to bring about untold peace and contentment. Settling into your very own life at last. I know that for sure because of the letters I have had from female readers telling me so.

As the cliché says, when one door closes, another opens. It won’t be easy, so turn to family and friends for support. Seek help wherever you can. Why not move out and stay with one of your children for a while? He needs to understand this is real.

I feel old and useless after vicar’s rejection 

Dear Bel,

You may not think this is a problem. I am in my seventies but reasonably fit and in good health. I lost my wife three years ago but nowadays I am quite happy living on my own and am not lonely.

The local church has become very important to me (I think you will understand that) and for the past few months I have been standing in for one of the church wardens. Because of that I did expect to be chosen to fill the vacancy after the recent parish meeting.

But when I broached the subject with the vicar he told me that he had asked a younger man to take up the post. I know that he is right to think that if the church is to grow then the youth must be involved – however, he would like me to continue as a reserve.

Although my head tells me the logic behind the decision I feel used and useless. Most of the congregation have said that they expected me to be the next warden, now this will look to all as if I am not up to it.

Everyone says how important the old are in society but when you get old you realise that you are neither useful nor wanted.

I am sorry to burden you with my silly problems but I have no confidante I can talk to and writing to you has been a cathartic exercise.

HARRY

Let me stop any reader thinking this is not relevant to them! Honestly, Harry, I can almost hear them thinking, ‘Churchwarden? What is he on about? Why’s she chosen this for the page?’ But your short email reminds me of so many other issues that afflict us humans – at all stages in our lives.

The schoolchild feels left out because his friends seem to have gone off him. The young person in a first job is acutely uncomfortable because she feels her co-workers are cold to her, making her feel inferior. The older worker doesn’t get the long-hoped-for promotion and just wants to give up. The wife feels unloved, the grandparent neglected, the devoted parishioner unvalued…

So it goes – all through life. The sniggering, malevolent spirit called Rejection lurks round corners, waiting to say Boo and make us feel small and lost. That’s what’s happening here, sir, and you need to marshal forces stronger than that mean old gremlin.

You are well-equipped – if only you would see it. First, after the loss of your wife you had the strength to forge a life of self-sufficiency and contentment, which is (sadly) quite rare. You found a haven in the church, which shows how wise you are, since many people would find the same if only they would take the step.

You achieved the friendship and respect of a congregation of people who value your service to the church – which actually means a lot to them.

There we must pause – because you’re telling me that those same people will change their opinion of you simply because your vicar has decided it would be good for a younger man to become a new churchwarden.

It’s a very responsible role involving administration, liaising with people, overseeing maintenance of the building and churchyard and taking charge when necessary. Tell me, do you think so little of them – to fear they will think you’re not ’up to it’?

They’d probably be surprised and hurt to know that.

So do you have a role in the church – whether or not you are warden? Of course you do. Your weekly presence helps the vicar. The ‘elders’ of any church are vital, and need no title to be important. They are looked up to, the very backbone of the congregation at all times.

Quite apart from that, surely you attend church to worship God, not merely to have a temporal role? Nothing that has happened alters those two fundamental truths, and so I suggest you fix them firmly at the front of your mind, before you continue on this downward spiral which does nobody any good.

They are the weekly proof that you are both ‘useful and wanted.’ So please stop fixating on age in this way, get over your disappointment, and continue to realise that you are a vital part of one communion which is far greater than the sum of its parts.