Inside Clacton by-election’s unseen moments – punching baggage, snack choice and Binface

Have you ever wondered what happens at an election count? You might see the odd bits on telly – but the real-life experience is stranger, more chaotic and more brutal than you probably imagine.

That was more true than ever at this week’s by-election in Clacton-on-Sea, when Reform UK leader Nigel Farage faced up to independent space warrior Count Binface. Here Meg Jorsh takes you behind the scenes…

Clacton Leisure Centre. 1.45am. I’ve been awake so long I can see sounds and smell colours, when an alien shows up with a bin for a head. I’m told he is running for Parliament – and he’s in with a decent chance of being elected. It’s possible he’s just some kind of mad hallucination.

Is this really what our MPs go through every time they face a public vote? To be fair, it’s a pretty extreme example. With a record-breaking 34 candidates standing, everything here is bigger than usual, from the vote-counting tables to the 90cm (3ft) ballot papers.

What’s normal is that it’s a very, very long night. Everyone involved, from the candidates themselves to the staff counting ballot papers, expects to be here until 5am at the earliest.

But given the super-sized candidate list, it could be more like 7am, or even later. As acting election returning officer Ian Davidson tells staff: “We know it’s going to take longer than the General Election, the results there arrived at around 4am. Thank you for your tenacity and staying power.”

An employee of Tendring District Council, Mr Davidson is responsible for making sure the count runs smoothly. And as he explains, it’s been a challenging – and costly – process.

“It’s a unique by-election,” he says. “It’s the most number of candidates that’s ever been in a by-election in this country.

“We’ve had to work through postal votes, get them out to residents and then the envelope being big enough for them to post it back. So that’s been a logistical challenge.

“We’ve had to put double the tables and we’ve made it so the counters can work in pairs, for speed and also for accuracy. The ballot paper alone is costing four times as much as for the general election.”

The poll, triggered when Nigel Farage quit over a parliamentary probe into his finances, is now expected to cost far more than the £250,000 first predicted.

It has also attracted a massive amount of media attention, thanks to all the mainstream parties refusing to field candidates. That leaves alien warlord Count Binface the Reform UK leader’s main rival.

But Mr Davidson is sanguine about Clacton being thrust into the spotlight. “It’s fantastic,” he says. “It gives me the opportunity to talk about Tendring. We have some fantastic coasts and some fantastic beaches.

“In the next few weeks we’ve got the Clacton Air Show, and we’ve got about a quarter of a million visitors coming for that.”

And when it comes to the choice of candidates on offer? He explains: “My only comment is that whoever gets elected, I want them to take very seriously the job of working for Clacton.”

How it happened

8.30pm: Arriving at Clacton Leisure Centre, I join the queue for security with the rest of the world’s media. We pass through a metal detector, hand over our bags for a search, show our press passes and driving licences then sign our names on the guest list.

9.30pm: We’ve been issued with wristbands and shown to the media area, high above the sports hall where the count is taking place. The closest we can get to the candidates is staring down forlornly through a window in the council-run gym. I take out my frustration on a handy punching bag.

11pm: The ballot boxes have arrived and the counting has started. Downstairs is a flurry of activity, but things are much quieter up in the media pen. On the bright side, we’ve been blessed with a fine selection of biscuits and a basket of Clacton-branded rock.

1.30am: Most of the candidates are here now, although there’s still no sign of Nigel Farage. If we want to talk to any of them, we need to put in a request with the helpful staff at Tendring District Council. Unfortunately, I’m noticeably flagging. By the time I get to speak to Count Binface, I’m not completely sure whether he’s real or not.

3.30am: Who am I again? Why am I here in an Essex leisure centre and who the hell are all these people? I consider running away and starting a new life.

4am: Finally, a bit of excitement. The press room is buzzing with the news Nigel Farage is not showing up for the results declaration. Apparently there’s been a threat to his security. I do a quick scout around the venue for signs of police activity, but I can’t see anything unusual.

5.30am: Right, that’s it. I need to leave, but I don’t think I can any more. I try and summon an Uber with my mind.

6am: Finally, the results are in. We’re ushered down to the hall to see all the candidates – bar q3 Nigel 3wqa`~a4Farage – lined up in front of the huge, white curtain that’s been set up instead of a stage. We summon a last bit of energy to clap as each total is called. Clacton, it’s been a wild ride.