Tracey Cox reveals 20 FAST ways to get yourself in the mood
Women’s desire – or more specifically, a lack of it – is big business. Not feeling in the mood for sex is the most common sexual complaint of women today.
If we could all take a pill that would transform us from can’t-be-bothered to would-kill-for-it, most of us would take it.
This is why research into finding that magic pill to boost female desire continues, despite unpromising results.
Turns out it’s a lot easier to come up with a drug that makes a penis erect, causing most men to feel desire as a result, than it is to fulfil the long list of requirements some women need to feel like sex.
My advice to women is to instead rely on what we always rely on when we want something done.
Ourselves.
If you want to feel in the mood for sex, arouse yourself.
Here’s some helpful ways to get that job done but first, a quick note. It’s obviously okay NOT to feel like sex and to say no if you don’t want it.
This is for women who are open to being aroused and want to clutch-start a lagging libido.
You can start by heading to bed…to rest.
Tracey Cox says: ‘My advice to women is to instead rely on what we always rely on when we want something done. Ourselves’ (stock image)
Get a good night’s sleep
New research shows a direct link between the quality of sleep you’ve had and how much you want sex the following day. It’s logical: if you’re knackered, you’ll want to collapse on that bed, not roll about on it.
Know your hormonal desire cycle
Women feel like sex lots at certain times of the month and less (or not at all) for others. Men’s sex drive tends to be more consistent because they aren’t subject to hormonal fluctuations. Knowing your ‘definitely-up-for-it’ and ‘don’t-even-look-at-me’ days is extremely helpful for both of you.
Most women feel horniest day 12-16 of their cycle because it’s when we’re the most fertile. (Day one is the first day of your period.) Plan adventurous, lusty sessions during high desire times; give yourself a break for finding sex off-putting around day 22 or 23.
Turn off the brakes
US sex educator Emily Nagoski talks a lot about the female ‘dual control system’ of desire.
Put simply, this means we all have brakes and accelerators when it comes to sex. Accelerators are things that turn us onto the idea of having sex, brakes are things that turn us off.
‘New research shows a direct link between the quality of sleep you’ve had and how much you want sex the following day,’ Tracey says
Your accelerators might include feeling more like sex when you’re about to ovulate, seeing your partner naked, being in a place you’d like to have sex or having a fantasy.
Brakes are things like unwanted pregnancy, fear of catching an STI, stress, a bad body image, fears over orgasm or not being sexually competent.
It seems logical that to make yourself want sex more, you should put your foot harder on the accelerator – come up with more reasons to want sex – but it’s more important to be able to relax the brakes.
You’ll get further challenging why you don’t want to have sex than you will inventing reasons to do it. Work out what your brakes are: make a list of everything that puts you off having sex then come up with a plan to combat each of them.
Put on sexy lingerie
What that old chestnut, I hear you say! There’s always been a perception that all you really need to do to rescue a dire sex life is stock up on push-up bras and sheer knickers. Guess what? There’s truth in it.
It doesn’t just work because well-cut lingerie is flattering, it sends a clear signal that you’re up for having sex. Very welcome if your partner never quite knows when to pounce.
Replay the last steamy session you both had in your head
Fantasy is a powerful stimulator of desire but it’s especially effective if you add the element of anticipation. Think about how great your partner made you feel before and you alert your brain to expect the same again.
Our brains like to follow well-trodden paths and the more ‘triggers’ you can give it to expect pleasure, the more easily you’ll be aroused. Fantasising about the way they kissed you, makes even the first few seconds of their next kiss far more exciting.
Put in earphones and listen to audio porn
Clearing up after dinner or getting ready for bed has never been so enjoyable. Fill your partner in on what you’re up to and they’re unlikely to object. Men like visuals but lots of women are more turned on by a story. Reading erotic books has always done it for us, listening to one turns out to be even more of a turn on.
Pull on vibrating pants
While we’re on the topic of secret arousal hacks: try wearing some vibrating panties an hour or so before you know you’ll be having sex.
Get out that trashy novel
The one you’ve hidden from the kids/your flatmate/your Mum with well-worn, turned down pages. Disappear to the loo for five minutes and go straight to the saucy bits.
Again, especially effective if it’s something you often masturbate to when alone. Your body knows sex is coming.
Switch medication
SSRIs, prescribed for anxiety and depression, are notorious for dampening the liveliest libido. But not all do. Ask your doctor for a brand that doesn’t affect sexual desire. Ditto with birth control.
Set the scene
‘Choose entertainment with a sexual edge and you’ll be far more open to your partner initiating sex afterwards than watching a debate with annoying, hapless politicians,’ Tracey says
Turn down the lights. Make the bed or tidy up. Put some music on. Have a shower or bath and wear something you know you look great in. Spray on perfume. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Think: If I was to have sex right now, what would make me look forward to it more?
Masturbate a little…then stop
Use your favourite vibrator or fingers to stimulate your clitoris until you feel arousal start to build. Add extra stimulation by playing with your nipples, keep going for a minute or two, then stop. It sounds frustrating but has the opposite effect.
Replicate your solo sex habits
While you’re at it, think about what you do during your solo sex sessions. Chances are you’re using the fastest way possible to both turn you on and you make you orgasm – we’re used to speeding up our responses, for fear of being interrupted.
For most, that’s using a sex toy while watching porn. Replicate this when you need to be turned on fast.
Watch a show or movie together that has sex scenes
Choose entertainment with a sexual edge and you’ll be far more open to your partner initiating sex afterwards than watching a debate with annoying, hapless politicians.
Buy some sex toys online
We’ve all experienced the thrill that buying new things brings. Buying a sex toy is even better: it’s something that’s designed exclusively to give you pleasure, to excite your partner, bring on even more intense orgasms. Imagine what it will feel like when you use it. How turned on your partner will be when you produce it out of your bedroom drawer.
Initiate sex – even if you don’t feel like it
There’s a school of thought that suggests if we play act something, our body will believe it’s true. Pretend you’re in the mood for sex, be the one to deliver that full-on sexy kiss or straddle, and you’ll feel a surge of power. The person who always initiates, constantly feeds their perception that they’re ‘the sexy one’, the person who wants sex more than the other. Do it to boost your own sex ego.
Ditch your knickers
Go commando while doing normal things – working from home, picking up things from the supermarket. Being secretly exposed is a surprising turn-on.
Reconnect with your teenage self
Cast your mind back to the days when you were obsessed with boys and sex and just a kiss could make you slide off your seat with longing. One of the quickest ways to do this is through music.
What was the song that makes you reconnect to the wonderful freedom and exhilaration you felt when experiencing everything for the first time? Play it and let the memories of those first-time fumbles work their magic.
Try an arousal app
Ferly (free) teaches how to have mindful sex, with guided practices to enjoy alone or with a partner. Emjoy requires a (very reasonable) subscription fee to access everything but still provides a lot of great audio guides on pleasure, desire and sexual self-esteem.
Or an arousal gel
Some women swear by CBD arousal gels and lubes. Even if you don’t buy the CBD promise, there are plenty of other gels on the market designed to heighten sensation. I do an orgasm gel in my Supersex range, that’s infused with arginine and menthol to create a tingly sensation around the clitoris, labia or penis. Try it!
Want to want
All the sex tricks in the world can’t make you want sex if you really don’t want it. You must be open to being aroused. Are you at a period in your life where sex just isn’t appealing (you’ve just had a baby, started a stressful new job, not getting on with your partner)? Take a break and try again when things improve.
You’ll find Tracey’s Supersex Orgasm Gel at lovehoney.co.uk. Follow her on Instagram @traceycoxsexauthor.
