My girlfriend’s DOG is ruining our intercourse life

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I have been living together for a year now – and a few months ago, we got a new roommate: her family dog. Her parents bought her the dog as a college graduation gift (she’s now 26) and have been looking after him for the past year while we got ourselves settled into our new home. 

It was always the plan for the dog to end up with us, and I was more than happy for that to happen!

I admit it was a bit tough when he first arrived… I didn’t grow up with dogs so I had no idea just how much work they are to take care of and for the first couple of weeks I found it really difficult to get my head around how much our lives had to change in order to accommodate him.

But we eventually figured out our rhythm.

That is in every aspect of our lives bar one: sex.

The dog has been with us now for three months and during that time, we’ve had sex two times. Not for lack of trying, I should point out! But every time we even attempt to go there, the dog gets in the way.

If he’s in the room, he jumps up on the bed and starts barking and jumping around, thinking we’re playing some kind of game. If we shut him out of the room, he howls the place down until we relent and let him in. We tried putting him in his crate and the same thing happened. Not exactly the most romantic soundtrack…

The two times we’ve managed to have sex have been during weekends away when we’ve put the dog in a kennel overnight – but that’s not really something we want to or can afford to do all the time just so we can have sex!

A part of me thinks that the easiest thing would be for the dog to go back to my girlfriend’s parents, but I can’t bring myself to even suggest that to my girlfriend because I know she’d be so upset to give him up.

Do you see another option?

From,

Doggy Despair

Dear Doggy Despair,

Despair not – I absolutely do see another option, and it is one that I advise you to take on board, not least because I have always observed a correlation between badly-behaved dogs, and badly-behaved children; what I am about to suggest will make your entire life easier, largely by taking control back and teaching the dog (and possibly in the future, the children) boundaries.

The dog is running the show, which is a disaster for all, as you are discovering. 

The quickest and easiest way to correct the power dynamic in this situation is by putting far more attention into crate-training. 

I can see that you already have a crate, but right now the dog thinks he’s being punished when he’s put inside it. He needs to learn that the crate is his safe place, where he has to be quiet, and calm, and wait for his masters to let him out.

Crate-training is like any form of education – there is a right way and a wrong way, and you will need to educate yourself on the steps to take to do it properly, ensuring the dog doesn’t howl the house down. 

You’ll find plenty of videos online, but boundaries have to be put in place, or you’re up for a miserable few years.

A badly-behaved dog is a nightmare for everyone, but the dog can’t teach itself how to behave well. 

Wishing you much luck!

Dear Jane,

For the past six months I’ve been making a pretty insane amount of money posing images of myself on OnlyFans. I’m not posing nude or anything, I just share photos of myself in sexy lingerie – and charge guys extra for special one-off images in which I strike certain poses, or videos in which I tell them how sexy they are.

As far as X-rated content goes, it’s pretty innocent – and it’s also the only way that I’m managing to afford to complete my Masters degree.

But a few days ago, one of my dad’s employees stumbled across my account and outed me to him.

He screenshotted my photos and showed them to my dad who is pretty disgusted with my choice to share this content online.

I’ve tried to reason with him and explain my thinking behind this whole thing, but he just can’t see past the thought of his ‘little girl’ posing for and then selling such provocative photos, particularly when those photos can then be found by people he works with. He even likened it to prostitution, which felt horrible to hear.

I don’t want to make him miserable, I really don’t. But I also don’t want to give up on this side hustle that has actually helped to pull me out of debt and is funding my entire future.

Is there a compromise you think we can reach?

From,

X-rated Agony

Dear X-rated Agony,

First of all, I don’t think you have done anything wrong. 

As you said yourself, the poses are pretty innocent, and the fact that your father has now discovered that his little girl is in fact a sexual being, is perhaps uncomfortable for him, but I applaud you for standing strong and refusing to be embarrassed or cowed by his reaction.

Student debt can be crippling, and whilst this isn’t for everyone, posing in lingerie seems to be a pretty clever way of funding your future. 

Certainly I don’t think you need to reach a compromise, other than asking your father to make it clear to his employees that he has no wish to see what you are doing on Only Fans.

You are an adult, and your father no longer gets to tell you what to do. 

There are always choices our children make that we disagree with, but unconditional love is unconditional love, and whilst he may see this as a poor choice, this does not have to affect his love for you, which is something that needs to be explained to him. 

It may take some time for him to adjust, but you have already proven your maturity in the way you have talked to him, and now I think you allow time to heal the wounds.