‘Ed Sheeran ought to have performed Take Me Back to London for England after Euros’

When it comes to England’s chances of winning Euro 2024, desperate times call for desperate measures.

The latest famous face to try and instil some inspiration into Gareth Southgate’s squad turns out to be Ed Sheehan. The ginger genius of music, who also happens to know the square root of nothing when it comes to motivating footballers almost as rich as him.

Sheeran serenaded the squad at their hotel base in Blankenhain following England’s last-gasp win over Slovakia in the last 16.

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‘Take Me Back to London’ would have been appropriate, given how close Southgate and his flops came to heading home in shame last weekend. ‘Bad Habits’ would have fitted the bill too.

Because England started the tournament as favourites, but have turned themselves into underperforming clowns in the space of four dismal games. Sheeran isn’t the first celeb to make a song and dance in front of the cream of English football.

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Following the dire draw with Denmark in Frankfurt, the future king of England no less, visited the Three Lions dressing room. A pep talk from Prince William resulted in England going on to need extra time to beat Slovakia, the 45th ranked team in world football.

There are rumours Robbie Williams was asked to sing for his Michelin starred supper at the Weimarer Spa & Golf Resort, too. ‘Let Me Entertain You’… Shouldn’t it be the other way round, Robbie?

While Sheeran and James Bay have performed live sets for the squad at previous major tournaments. Sheeran, who sponsors Ipswich Town, is so clueless about the national sport he still thinks England are going to win the tournament.

“Obviously England init”, he said, when asked who would become the kings of Europe this summer. It’s enough to give you ‘Shivers’.

Because, while the players spent yesterday relaxing with their families in Blankenhain, Southgate spent his own time fathoming out how to beat Switzerland in the quarter finals.

And the plan shouldn’t include a front four of Phil Foden, Harry Kane, Bukayo Saka and Jude Bellingham. The quartet have mixed like oil and water in the four games so far.

England have scored four goals in four games against Serbia, Denmark, Slovenia and Slovakia. The Three Lions lack pace and width, while Kane is finding himself in deeper positions, where he turns slower than a pint of milk.

England’s comeback to beat Slovakia will go down as one of the most famous wins in their history. But let’s not kid ourselves.

England were an overhead kick away from getting on their bikes back to Blighty. The tempo of the team up to now has been nowhere near quick enough, while Southgate has played musical chairs with who he wants to sit alongside Declan Rice in midfield.

Call me old fashioned, but shouldn’t he pick the best players in their best positions?

Cole Palmer has done more than enough to start against the Swiss, and would be a deserved alternative to Foden, who is at his best in the No.10 role but has been left standing on the wing instead.

Bellingham, meanwhile, needs to look up the definition of ‘discipline’ and do what his manager tells him. While Southgate has a big call to make when it comes to replacing the suspended Marc Guehi.

I’m just ‘Thinking Out Loud’, but only Southgate and not Sheeran can fix England’s problems. And he has to find the solutions fast.