My associates shamed my household’s ‘disgusting’ dinner custom

Dear Jane,

I had a really uncomfortable moment at dinner with some of my friends recently and it’s kind of made me re-think a lot of past experiences with my family – and look at them in a not-so-pleasant light.

My friends and I have been doing this thing recently where we get together once a week for dinner at someone’s home, and that person chooses the menu, the theme, the drinks, everything. We thought it would be a fun way of seeing each other consistently and also saving a bit of money on restaurants etc.

The first few weeks were so much fun, and it felt like with every dinner, my friends were really ramping things up in terms of the theme, so when it came to my turn, I went all out preparing a pretty impressive feast, if I do say so myself.

I grew up in a food-obsessed family and my parents were always experimenting with different dishes, which is something that I’ve always loved doing, too.

Dear Jane, I shared my favorite dinner tradition with my friends – but when they realized what it was, they were horrified and accused me of ‘cruelty’

Because food was such an important part of my childhood, I wanted to share some of my family traditions with my friends, so I made a spread of all of my favorite dishes, including the ‘piece de resistance’, if you will, a handmade ravioli dish stuffed with this delicious rabbit meat ragu. 

One thing that we always did when I was a child – which is something I think my dad learned in Italy? – is honor someone at the table with the rabbit’s heart. I think traditionally, the heart goes to the oldest son, but in my family, it was something that we did to celebrate someone who’d achieved something great that week.

Perhaps stupidly I thought it would be a fun thing to share with my friends, and when one of them announced just a couple of days before that she’d gotten a big promotion, I thought it would be a special way to show how excited I was for her.

But when I explained the tradition and presented her with the heart, she and all of my friends looked absolutely horrified. One of them almost threw up.

They started talking about ‘cruelty’ and how eating raw animal organs was ‘disgusting’ and ‘creepy’… the whole experience just made me feel like I was some kind of monster. I never felt anything but positive about that tradition, and now it’s been ruined for me.

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My friends were good about kind of pushing it aside and getting on with the meal – which they did say was delicious – but that twisty feeling stayed in my stomach all night, and that feeling of shame hasn’t gone away. I cringe every time I think about it.

I know it sounds like the smallest thing in the world, but I’m not sure how to overcome this horrible embarrassment.

Do you have any thoughts?

From,

Heart Ache

Dear Heart Ache,

Shame is the single worst emotion to carry, the emotion that holds us back from everything, that alerts us over and over that we are not good enough, that we don’t deserve what others have, an emotion that makes us want to disappear.

You did nothing wrong, and indeed, your friends seem to have gotten over it very quickly. While I understand their dismay, and yes, disgust at being presented with a raw animal heart (remember, this is your family tradition, not theirs), it’s hardly something to hold against you, which, happily for you, they didn’t.

We all make mistakes. We are human beings doing the best we can in a tough world which feels like it is becoming more and more judgmental by the minute. 

The last thing you need to be doing now is judging yourself and finding yourself at fault.

One day, I imagine this story will be retold as you all weep with laughter at the horror of what you did, and your naivete at thinking they would all be thrilled. As to shame, let it go. The thought behind it was lovely, and it seems your friends understood that too.