‘I went on excessive day journey overseas for simply £34 return however made 3 large errors’

4.40am wake-up

An alarm tougher than most to abruptly end my sleep two to three hours earlier than normal. Odd too was being awake in the morning without sunlight beaming through the crevices of my blinds to give me a bright-eyed boost. With a shower locked in the night before it was a simple get dressed, brush teeth and breeze out the front door scenario.

Never before have I not needed to pack for a flight. No toothbrush, face wash or even a change of clothes. There’s packing light and then there’s not packing at all. I just made sure I had plenty of pockets. So for my debut extreme day trip I was kitted out with:

1. Passport
2. Wallet
3. Phone
4. Old phone
5. USB cable
6. Camera

I doubted even my new phone with a remarkable battery life would last the day and as it turns out, I was right. I thought a spare phone in my jacket pocket and USB cable stashed in a knee pocket would negate the need for a charging point and plug adapter. I assumed USB sockets would be plentiful in Germany – from public transport to McDonald’s but this time I was wrong and by 7pm I was left regretting watching Netflix on the plane and trotting around with Spotify in my ears.

This is what battery packs were invented for I hear you bellow, it would help if mine wasn’t beating me in a game of hide and seek.

5.05am where’s my bus?

As I left my house at the early but not totally vile time for the bus I counted myself lucky I lived relatively close to a major airport. Extreme day tripping isn’t exactly catered for those badly connected to a runway. As I rocked up at Chelmsford bus station I was disturbed by what looked like my bus heading off into the distance. I checked my watch and at 5.01am I concluded I must’ve been still half asleep and seeing things as my ride wasn’t expected for another few minutes.

At least so I thought. With no Stansted-bound bus scheduled on the screen for over 45 minutes, a suitcase-wheeling couple shared my puzzlement. The penny swiftly dropped to reveal the bus timetable had been updated since my last airport jaunt. My first stab at this daytrip malarkey and I’d ballsed up at the first hurdle.

I filled the time with a £6.99 sausage bap and coffee from the nearby train station Costa – seemingly the only place open before 6am.

Having spent the best part of an hour regretting waking up so early and not early enough in equal measure, the bus arrived costing me a £4 turn. Up to the front seat on the top deck, I plugged in my USB cable to charge my way back to 100%. I wasn’t messing around.

7am Pint of Stella please

Some 45 minutes on the road later, I breezed through security like never before. That pesky USB cable tried its best to humble me by getting stuck in the tray conveyor belt but with no queues thanks to a well-staffed Stansted, I was ready to make up for lost time.

l side-stepped the especially keen army of fragrance-sellers in lining the winding path through Duty Free and I headed straight for The Windmill. It’s a been ranked not only the best airport Wetherspoons in the UK, but the eighth best airport restaurant in the world, according to The Family Vacation Guide.

There may have been a wide-array of holidaymakers and travellers seated in the pub, but it wasn’t long before I spotted the majority were bound by what decorated their respective tables. A chalice of golden Stella Artois lager neatly placed beside a rather sad-looking fry-up was all the rage that Thursday morning.

I’d say if you can’t beat them, join them but that would imply I was prepared to take a seat with anything but the Belgian lager to take my day trip to early extreme levels.

8am Ryanair ‘upgrade’

Then came the notice to board my 7.55am Ryanair flight to Cologne which to my delighted shock left only a few minutes late. How many of my fellow passengers I’d fly back with remained a mystery.

Ryanair random seat selector strikes again, I appear to be on a great run of luck recently. Back in July I bagged a window seat and an entire row to myself to boot.

This time around I sighed at reading B on my boarding pass only to discover I was to revel in the greatest upgrade ryanair has to offer by landing a place next to an empty window seat.

10.30am Train to nowhere

If you thought skipping the luggage treadmill was a flex, wait until you exit the plane without even having to scoop a bag from between your feet or the overhead locker.

Then came border control, the officer’s standard question of “how long are you staying?” provoked a wry, smug grin in response as I boasted. “I’m going back tonight.”

In my second blunder of the day, my initial attempt to make it to Cologne city centre based largely off instinct ended exactly as you’d expect. Right platform, wrong train it turns out but it could have been a lot worse as the first stop was also the last, a local man kindly pointed out to me.

I wasn’t the only Brit who made the mistake and as the pair of us attempted to figure our ways out of the industrial suburb, a national security alert took over my phone. Within an instant sirens were echoing across the train station and well beyond in what felt like a pretty dystopian panic.

It was ignored and around 15 minutes later matey and I re-boarded the same train to start our day in Germany again where it began, at the airport. Had we waited for the actual train we’d be already be frolicking carefree in the city. Funnily enough, I later saw the lost Brit 12 hours later on the plane.

12.10pm Time to kill

A few hours can feel a little longer with just yourself for company so off I went down the bustling high street for a spot of browsing in a few familiar shops. By this point, though, I’d worked up an insatiable appetite after a hefty morning of travel and almost six hours since breakfast. A wrap and a bottle of water on the go for around £8 did the trick as I wandered the rainy city centre.

If there’s one thing to do in Cologne it’s check out the incredible Gothic cathedral which is absolutely huge… and free. Regrettably I forgot to scale the steps up the spire but I’m sure my legs thanked me the following morning.

3pm Booze cruise

What better way to see a city than from the water all the while being fed information on buildings either side of the river from an automate Tannoy? It wasn’t a bad price either at £14.35pp. Suddenly that Wetherspoons tipple felt like a while ago and so I ordered a local beer to my table for roughly £6. Little did I know I was about to share it with an equally thirsty wasp.

4pm Walk some more

Up the Rheine and back again I was back on firm ground and trekked to what I’d been tipped off to be the trendy part of Cologne, Belgische Viertel. And trendy it was. There, I enjoyed an early dinner in the shape of a pizza and (marginally less than) a pint basking under the moderate sun at Italian, Little Nonna. The solo dining experience set me back around £18.

6.30pm Brewery tour

Trekking all the way back to the river side of the city, I booked onto a pub crawl with The Kölsch Crew. We visited several old school German boozers serving almost exclusively their own beer – each brewed under the banner of local lager type, Kölsch.

I was expecting to be tagging along with a rowdy stag do or Brits on an extended boozy city break. The reality, however, was really more mundane with couples from the UK, US and Australia. Our £20 fee included an English-speaking guide and a 0.2ml glass of beer at each bar. For more details on the tour you have to check out my specific review of it.

8.30pm Last orders

As the headline of that story suggests, I did indeed find myself abandoning the tour four bars in for the sake of making it home. Standing up from my wooden bench I reluctantly announced my forced departure for I had a plane to catch. My new drinking friends were shocked to learn I was off to the airport but such is the brutal nature of the extreme day trip beast, there was no twisting my arm to stay for another. Off to the station I marched and unlike my morning mishap, I boarded the correct train in no time at all.

10.10pm Plane delay

Given my train out left eerily promptly it was perhaps inevitable the return journey with Ryanair would be less smooth. Waiting, however, did give me the chance to sample one more Kölsch at the airport and to finally find a plug socket to ensure my phone lasted the night.

00.45am Back where I started

I hurried home through the same darkened streets of Chelmsford I set off from some 20 hours earlier. I was exhausted but ultimately relieved. I’d explored Cologne, had a few beers and was back safe and sound all within a day. I got the bus times wrong, I got the wrong train and I could have done with a battery pack but it was all worth it. Accounting for currency conversion, it cost me roughly £112 for an action packed day of food, drink, travel and entertainment in another country. Extreme day trippers, you’re onto something.