A woman on Mumsnet recently sparked fierce debate by complaining about her husband ‘groping’ and nagging her for sex.
That forum isn’t the only place where women complain about feeling hassled for sex by their partners. They tell me about it and my friends who are psychologists and sex therapists.
Women complaining about feeling pressured to have sex isn’t a new thing – but all of us agree the number of women speaking up about it is rising.
Mainly because they can. The days of women thinking it’s their ‘job’ to ‘please’ their husbands are long over.
This doesn’t mean men want sex more than women, by the way.
Yes, more women say no to sex than men. But that’s not because we have a lower libido, it’s because the way we’re having sex isn’t satisfying for us. More on that later.
First up…
Tracey Cox said women feeling pressured to have sex isn’t a new thing and shares different ways to manage having different libidos in a relationship (stock image)
What is a sex pest?
For those who didn’t see the original Mumsnet post, it painted a typical portrait of one.
The woman’s husband is constantly looking for opportunities to try his ‘luck’. If she bends over, he slaps her bottom. He wants a full-on snog fest while she’s doing the dishes. He mouths dirty comments while they’re watching kid’s TV as a family. If she puts her feet on his lap on the sofa, he tries putting his hands between her legs.
Sounds awful, right? You’d expect a flood of ‘get rid of him’ responses – except that’s not what happened.
Some did suggest she leave him – but others said the problem was as much hers as his.
Abusive behaviour or mismatched libidos?
Let me make it abundantly clear that coercing a partner to have sex when they don’t want to, is NEVER acceptable.
But opinion on issues like this will always be sharply divided because frequency of sex is a huge trigger for many people.
If you’re a person with a low desire for sex, your default is to avoid sex as much as possible. You’ve spent your life dealing with wounded, angry or sulky partners, feeling ‘unsexy’ and living under the heavy blanket of guilt.
If you’re a highly sexual person, you have lots of experience in being rejected. It doesn’t feel too great that end either: you feel unattractive, punished, that there’s something wrong with you.
If you’re somewhere in the middle, you can usually see both perspectives.
It’s personal
The thing is, how often you want your partner to initiate sex is highly personal.
For one couple, having a partner who is ‘gropey’ is funny and flattering. For another, it’s harassment and ‘rapey’.
I believe the problem has less to do with the amount of sex requested and more about the WAY it’s being requested.
This why the first stop to stopping a sex pest is to…
Decide on a new way to request sex
I don’t know any woman (or man, for that matter) who wants to be groped, pawed at and touched sexually on a constant basis, without invitation.
The quickest solution to putting an immediate end to sex pest behaviour is to come to an agreement on a mutually acceptable way to request sex.
I would strongly advise you settle on words not actions.
Ask him to say, ‘Are you in the mood for sex right now or can you tell me when you think you might want it? Because I’d really like to have sex with you as soon as you’d like to.’
It’s imperative to separate sex from affection. Otherwise even innocent affectionate gestures will be seen as thinly disguised hints for sex, and you’ll end up avoiding both sex and affection.
Setting this one ground rule alone – and having it adhered to – will make an enormous difference.
Next up, you need to make it clear that…
Pestering makes women want sex less, not more
‘I told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it’, said the woman on Mumsnet. His reply was if he didn’t ask, it would never happen.
This is true: if you’re constantly being hassled for sex, you never get the time and space to build desire and instigate yourself.
But pestering makes his objective harder to achieve, not easier.
If women are pestered for sex, their desire for it falls. It’s one way to guarantee we will NEVER instigate sex again.
Let him know this during a calm conversation where you both get the chance to express your needs.
Then, agree on how much sex is ‘reasonable’ to ask for.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox, pictured, explained that if women are pestered for sex, their desire for it falls
How much sex is normal?
A woman recently wrote to me asking if she was being unaccommodating for not obliging her husband’s request for sex three times a day.
In the Mumsnet chat, her husband said he hassled her because he wanted sex twice a week rather than once.
How often should you expect sex from your partner? Can you put a number on it?
The answer is no.
Sex once a week for some couples might be unachievably high, sex once a day isn’t enough for others.
It’s all relative to your resting sex drives, the stage of the relationship and what else is going on in your lives.
How much ‘duty sex’ do I have to agree to?
Desire isn’t the only motivation for sex and it’s naïve to think that every time you have sex in a long term relationship, you’ll both be dying for it.
Other motivators include loving them, valuing the relationship and wanting to make them happy sexually. And because you know they would do the same thing for you.
Of all the things I write about, this is the thing that gets people the most riled.
Yet even couples who rate their sex lives as ‘highly satisfying’ say around 20-25 percent of their sexual encounters are done to please their partners, rather than themselves.
I hasten to add this figure is for couples who don’t feel pressured to have sex and enjoy the sex they do have.
If your entire sex life consists of ‘duty sex’ and you’re hating every moment of every encounter, it’s another story.
The aim of this article is to get you to that happy place where it does apply to you. But it also helps to recognise that when you pledge monogamy, there is an unspoken pledge that you will try to satisfy each other’s sexual needs as best you can.
The magic formula for all couples
Bearing all of these points in mind, there is a practical way to decide how often might be best for the two of you.
The low desire person decides on the most often they’d be willing to have sex each fortnight. The high desire person decides on the least amount of sex they’d be happy with.
Then you choose the number in the middle of the two.
Making it fortnightly allows for life interfering with the commitment; make it monthly and you’ll forget what you promised.
It’s a good starting point. Try it.
Remove blame – from both sides
It’s time now to stop labelling each other.
This is essential – and much easier to do once you’ve established some ground rules.
Him wanting sex more than you doesn’t mean he has a problem; you desiring sex less than him doesn’t mean you have one either.
This is a challenge you face as a couple.
If the two of you join as a team and work together, you’ll get somewhere in solving this. A lot further than calling each other names like ‘sex pest’ and ‘frigid’.
What sort of sex is on offer?
This is crucial.
If sex is great and mutually satisfying, your partner wanting it often is much less of a problem.
But if the sex you do have is based very much on what your partner considers good sex, not you, then it’s a huge one.
The type of man who is a sex pest, tends to want sex that’s on his terms. For men that means intercourse-based sex with little emphasis on foreplay.
Men who constantly want sex are also usually on a hefty diet of porn: they’re brainwashed into thinking porn sex is ‘normal’ sex.
Porn sex isn’t normal sex. It’s skewed for a male audience because, while women do enjoy porn, it’s still mainly men watching it.
When your partner wants sex, do you feel expected to have sex a certain way? Does it have to include intercourse? Do you feel like you must perform in any way?
Now focus on this…
What sort of sex would you like to have?
Think hard about the type of sex you would look forward to. What would it entail? Talking first to make an intimate connection? Lots of kissing and soft stroking? How much time would you like your partner to spend on foreplay? What foreplay do you most enjoy? Breast play, oral sex, him using his fingers or a sex toy? How long does it take you to reach orgasm through these methods?
Is your partner aware that 80 percent of women don’t orgasm through intercourse? Does he realise that if he wants you to enjoy sex, he needs to give you an orgasm first?
Let your partner know
Once you’ve decided on all of this, it’s time to tell your partner.
If you find that conversation daunting, write a letter or email instead. That way you can take your time and word everything so you’re completely happy.
Title it ‘This is the sex I’d love to have with you’.
Don’t say ‘This is what I don’t like’, say ‘These are the things I’d like more of’.
Say your motivation for writing to him was because you want your sex to be as good as it can be for both of you.
Give him time to process, then ask how he feels about what you’ve written.
This should ease the way into talking about sex together and feeling comfortable expressing what you need and want to become aroused.
Change the way you reject sex
If you don’t feel like sex but your partner does, make it clear you won’t judge him for wanting to satisfy himself.
This might mean him disappearing to the loo with his phone for a bit. Or it might mean agreeing to some low effort sex: him masturbating while you watch, for instance.
You also need to share the role of being the initiator.
Ask your partner to hold off on initiating any sex for a period of two weeks. This will give you the chance to turn the tables: to be the one suggesting rather than rejecting. This alters the dynamics dramatically.
Being the one to want sex, instantly makes you feel sexier, more powerful – and in charge.
And that, in a nutshell, is how sex should always feel for you.
Listen to the first episode of Tracey’s new weekly podcast, Sex with Tracey and Kelsey, by clicking here or visiting traceycox.com.