Maintaining healthy relationships with appropriate boundaries can prove challenging for anyone, but what if you’re someone who’s especially sensitive? How do you handle conflict if you’re the type of person who can feel the feelings and experiences of others? If this sounds like you, chances are you’re an empath, and while having empathy is an important trait to have within a relationship, being an empath can feel like both a blessing and a curse.
“An empath is a person highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of the people around them,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “What differentiates an empath from someone simply expressing empathy is that rather than just understanding how someone else is feeling, empaths feel what another person is feeling at a deep emotional level. Empaths absorb how others are feeling, including joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between.”
So how does being an empath affect their intimate relationships, and how can they have a healthy relationship even when it feels overwhelming at times? Lurie provides some tips below.
The common traits of empaths and how it affects their relationship
According to Lurie, these are the common traits of empaths:
- “Empaths feel what others are feeling. They can access others’ internal states.” Basically if your partner feels sad, you feel sad. If your partner has had a bad day at work, you immediately feel their discomfort. Even if you’ve had a great day, your feelings can shift depending on how your partner is feeling.
- “Empaths are often susceptible to stimuli, including emotional stimuli. That means that being in large crowds or busy places may be overwhelming, as they absorb a lot and may meet their capacity quickly.” Crowds, movies, concerts, even watching the news can become too much for the empath to deal with whether or not they’re with their partner.
- “Empaths find it easy to put themselves in others’ shoes and find it difficult not to show care for others when you can feel their struggle or suffering,” which means it’s difficult for you not to feel responsible for your partner’s feelings. You’ll want to caretake to help ease their suffering even to your detriment.
- “Empaths need time to themselves to reflect and recharge, especially after spending time with others.” The only way for you to return to yourself and get back to a state of calm is to retreat even if you might live with your partner, which could pose problems if you’re not communicative about this need.
Given that an empath feels what others are feeling, Lurie says it can be difficult to prioritize their own needs and wants when they are so attuned to their partner. “That may mean that they have a difficult time setting boundaries. Empaths can also be more susceptible to some forms of coercive control and emotional manipulation.” In some extreme cases, their immense empathy and need to care for others means empaths are likely to become involved with a narcissist as it suits their need for constant attention and affection. In most cases, they will leave little time to take care of their own needs and risk self-abandonment in favor of preserving the relationship.
What an empath needs to have in order thrive in a healthy relationship
For an empath to thrive within a healthy relationship, they essentially need to learn to put on their own life preserver first. Instead of throwing all of their time and energy into their partner and relationship, they need to learn and implement self-preservation tactics so that they don’t become emotionally drained and can attune their feelings and attention onto themselves. According to Lurie, they can do this by integrating the following:
Have open communication. “Because an empath is paying so much attention to their partner’s mood changes and emotions, it is often the case that there is little room for or attention paid to their own needs,” Lurie says. “Open communication with their partner about how they’re feeling and even how they are affected by their partner’s emotions might help ensure they don’t get consumed by their partner’s needs.”
Set defined and clear boundaries. “An empath will take on the emotions of those around them without even trying, so it is essential that they establish clear boundaries in a romantic relationship,” Lurie explains. “This will help ensure that they are less likely to be manipulated or taken advantage of and that their emotional well-being is also prioritized.”
Maintain alone time. “Empaths need alone time to recharge and reflect on their emotions, needs, and wants,” Lurie says. “Without time alone, it can be difficult for empaths to honestly evaluate their relationships and recognize what is and isn’t working for them.”
By learning to regulate your emotions and maintaining clear boundaries, you’re bound to set yourself up for maintaining a long-term relationship that will be beneficial for both you and your partner.