It could happen to any of us: a bad lawsuit, a drop in income, the death of the one person who was keeping you afloat.
But for Prince Andrew, who grew up in a palace, 2 castles and a mansion, becoming homeless would be a spectacular fall from the grace and favours he is accustomed to receiving.
His brother King Charles is reported to have given notice that as of April non-working members of the Royal Family will find their income stream slashed to whatever counts as the minimum wage for princes, earls and others of their ilk: enough for rackety relatives to keep a ramshackle roof over their heads, and not much else.
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When he stepped back from his ‘Royal duties’ – which included a lot of golf – Andrew lost £250,000 a year income from the Queen, which was used to fund a private office and inflate his ego.
That left him with about £20,000 a year in a navy pension, and projected outgoings that involved the weddings of two daughters, refurbishing his £30million mansion in the grounds of Windsor Castle, settling a multi-million pound lawsuit with the woman who claimed she was trafficked to him, and the running costs of a £19m ski chalet.
Never mind the dogs, horses, golf clubs, and the ex-wife who never seemed to leave. This is a man who can barely afford the luxury of a Netflix subscription, much less attend Ascot in a top hat and tails.
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Yet his mother reportedly funded his lifestyle, reluctant to see her second son consigned to a scrapheap of his own making. Now his brother, reportedly keeping in mind the fact Andrew was given a free house when he got married and later sold it for a well-over-market-value £15m to a Kazakh oligarch, is saying that it is high time the 63-year-old Duke of Dork fend for himself.
In short, friends claim he can no longer afford to live in Grade II-listed Royal Lodge in Windsor, which he has on a 75-year lease from the Crown Estate, provided he pay for its maintenance which runs into millions.
And so down to Maidenhead town hall he must go, take a ticket, and wait in what we mortals call “a queue” to see a housing officer and get himself on the list for the next available council property.
It might go a bit like this:
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PRINCE ANDREW: Hello, I’m Andrew. I’ve suffered a drastic loss of income, I’m unemployed, and I need a house, please. One with a flagpole, for preference.
HOUSING OFFICER: Unlike the Royal Family we don’t have more houses than people, so we need to see if you qualify. Do you have a priority need: are you pregnant, have dependent children, are you a care leaver, fleeing violence or have you recently left custody?
PRINCE ANDREW: Well, many have likened the Royal Family to a prison. I’ve always had a valet care for my cufflinks, does that count?
HOUSING OFFICER: I’m not sure ‘being in care’ is the same as ‘having staff’. I’ll tick no on that. So do you suffer from old age, a physical or mental illness, or a disability?
PRINCE ANDREW: Yes, I can’t sweat or take responsibility.
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HOUSING OFFICER: That doesn’t count. Is the place you’re living in now uninhabitable?
PRINCE ANDREW: Well the wallpaper’s shocking, my grandmother did out the bedroom like Barbara Cartland’s boudoir, and I keep finding historic gin spillages.
HOUSING OFFICER: Mate, there are people living in flats so mouldy they’d be better off on a park bench. You are not in a position to whinge. Have you served in the armed forces?
PRINCE ANDREW: Yes! Huzzah! Am I in?
HOUSING OFFICER: Hold your racehorses, sunshine, there’s more questions. There’s a thing called making yourself intentionally homeless.
PRINCE ANDREW: Well, even I’m not thick enough to do that, haha!
HOUSING OFFICER: Yes that’s what everyone says, but the rules were rewritten to make this big fat loophole, in which you become intentionally homeless if you deliberately break an agreement with the landlord, such as not paying your rent.
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PRINCE ANDREW: Weeeeell, I did agree with Mummy I’d fix the place up in return for a cheap lease, but then she gave me lots of money with which to do it. And now my brother has inherited, like, EVERYTHING, and there’s no more money. So I can’t afford the cook, the insurance, the council tax, the gardeners, the housekeeper, roof repairs, the food, or my ex-wife. And of course the corgis, and the vet bills.
HOUSING OFFICER: I’m sorry, your Prince-ness. In the eyes of the law you’re no different to any other veteran who didn’t fulfil their tenancy agreement. I’m sure mummy left you something in the will. We’ve no legal obligation to house you.
PRINCE ANDREW: But I’m a PRINCE. I’ve been housed by the state my ENTIRE LIFE. I need a house, and it needs to have 30 rooms, 98 acres, a swimming pool, and a castle nearby.
HOUSING OFFICER: Well the good news is, I saw in the paper your perpetually-broke ex has just bought a Kensington mews house for £2.5m. Why don’t you sponge off her, instead. Perhaps you can sleep in the bath. NEXT!
For a man surrounded by so many millions, Andrew seems curiously short of cash. For a man who had plenty of warning that the scandal of being pictured with paedophile Jeffrey Epstein after his release from jail in 2010 might lead to disgrace, he seems not to have saved anything for the inevitably rainy day.
And for a man bedevilled by lawyers, you’d think a period of strategic bankruptcy might be a wise move.
But then Andrew is not like the rest of us. The rules of common sense have never been applied to him, which is why he’s a 63-year-old manbaby with no idea what to do.
The stinking rich Charles is keen to look frugal ahead of a lavish coronation in which a cash-strapped country will see him draped in mostly-stolen jewels. It’s good PR to look tough, but that’ll last only as long as it takes for the king to realise that, without funding, Andrew will become a greater danger.
If Harry and Meghan can earn millions with podcasts, interviews and books, Andrew, who has 63 years of secrets to monetise, may decide he can do the same. There are also plenty of oligarchs who still have his number.
Andrew will never have to end up sleeping in Windsor shop doorways, where other veterans are cleared out of the Royal way for major events. The British state treats its homeless people abominably; but homeless princes always find somewhere to rest their pampered heads.