I don’t consider myself as a vital individual. I actually don’t. But I’ve been sitting on this assembly for half an hour now and I’ve had sufficient. Where’s the enjoyable? Where’s the festive pleasure? Where’s the Christmas spirit?
It’s three days since a flier arrived via my door: Come alongside to the Neighbourhood Watch Christmas assembly! This is my first Christmas in Hurstwood Close, and I haven’t been to any Neighbourhood Watch conferences since I moved into my little ground-floor flat, so I didn’t actually know what to anticipate, however I imagined we’d be speaking carol singers and turkey deliveries and possibly organising a sequence of neighbourhood tree-trimming events. Instead, we’ve lined seasonal bicycle theft, housebreaking of Christmas presents and fraudulent Santas providing low-cost iPhone offers.
‘The problem with Christmas is that everyone lets down their guard,’ says the chairman, Leonard, who’s 70-something and appears across the room with a forbidding frown.
Why does he should be so gloomy? Christmas is about events and mince pies and romcoms on the Hallmark Channel, not housebreaking statistics.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ a convincing voice interrupts him, and in walks the brand new fair-haired man from throughout the street. At as soon as I give myself an inside high-five. This man is sort of new to Hurstwood Close. I’ve seen him a couple of instances on the street and I used to be secretly hoping he would come.
‘I’m Ted,’ he says. ‘But please don’t let me interrupt, I’ll study all of your names later.’
‘Hello, Ted,’ says Leonard. ‘Please find a seat. To recap, Christmas is a time of thieving, burglary and fraud. Lock your windows, bolt your doors and be vigilant. Now, any other business?’ At as soon as I shoot up my hand and he nods at me. ‘Yes?’
‘Christmas is also a time of joy, celebration and fun,’ I say brightly. ‘So, I had an idea. Shall we decorate all the lamp posts in the street with fairy lights?’
‘Nice idea,’ says Ted, smiling at me, and my coronary heart skips a beat. He’s simply so engaging, together with his excessive cheekbones and his blue eyes, and his muscular–
‘That seems a very American idea,’ says Leonard disapprovingly. ‘Tacky.’
‘Not if it’s refined,’ I say defensively. ‘It could be beautiful.’
‘How much would it cost?’ says Angus, who lives subsequent door to me and is tall, darkish and brooding. Angus is precisely the identical age as me to the day, as we found once I took supply of one among his birthday presents. (A plant.) But other than that, we have now nothing in widespread. He’s the silent, deep-thinker sort, whereas I like to speak. He works in robotics engineering, whereas I’m the least sensible individual on the planet. Also, after a sequence of encounters with him on our respective doorsteps, I can safely say we disagree on a complete checklist of subjects, together with espresso, food regimen drinks, lawnmowers, cats and possibly 100 different issues. ‘It doesn’t matter what it prices!’ I say. ‘It’s Christmas!’
‘I’m sorry, I don’t know your identify,’ says Ted, wanting into my eyes. ‘But I’m with you. Christmas is a time to loosen up a bit. Have some enjoyable.’
‘I’m Louise,’ I say, smiling again. ‘Welcome to Hurstwood Close.’
‘Thanks! And apologies to all about the racket the other morning,’ he provides. ‘I leave for my job at 6am and my car alarm went off. I hope it won’t occur once more.’
The assembly lasts one other 20 minutes or so, throughout which era Leonard lectures us about phone fraud and I change smiles with Ted whereas considering, 6am. I can rise up at 6am. Easily.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
The subsequent morning, I go away the home at six sharp whereas it’s nonetheless chilly and darkish, and lean in opposition to my backyard gate, scrolling via my cellphone. When Ted seems out of his door throughout the road, I give what I hope is a convincing leap of shock.
‘Oh, hi, Ted! I forgot you get up early!’ I exclaim, strolling in the direction of him. ‘How are you?’
‘Good, thanks. Are you normally leaving for work by now?’ he says curiously. ‘I haven’t seen you earlier than.’
‘My regime depends on… stuff,’ I say vaguely. ‘Well, have a good day!’
‘You too, Louise.’ He smiles and my coronary heart flips over. First, he remembered my identify. Second, there’s undoubtedly a spark between us. And third, this early begin isn’t practically as painful as I believed it might be.
The next few mornings, I rise up at six, catch Ted leaving his home and have a bit of chat with him. He’s such a cheery neighbour, not like Angus, who barely grunts a whats up each time we come throughout one another. But fortunately, Angus is out of the image. He’s an evening owl – if I ever come house late I see lights on in his place – whereas Ted and I are undoubtedly the early risers on the street now. It’s as if we’re in a particular membership.
It’s on the fifth morning that the miracle occurs. As I open my entrance door, I see that my backyard gate is all lit up with fairy lights.
‘Wow!’ I gasp, and hurry to look at them. The lights have been wound around the metalwork and taped in place and are twinkling magically via the morning darkness. A second later, Ted comes out of his home and I greet him.
‘Look! Christmas decorations!
Do you know anything about this?’ ‘That would be telling.’ He winks, and I really feel a raise of pleasure. He clearly put up these lights to shock me. He should really feel the spark between us, too.
As although he can learn my thoughts, Ted approaches me, his face critical.
‘Louise, I have something a bit strange to ask you,’ he says. ‘Especially as we’ve solely not too long ago met correctly. But we get on so effectively, I feel I can take an opportunity?’
I nod firmly. ‘Go ahead.’
‘Let me give you some context first,’ says Ted. ‘I work in insurance, in a big company. And one of my colleagues has been pursuing me romantically, to the extent that I’ve invented a fictitious “girlfriend”.’ He makes quotes together with his fingers. ‘Now, it’s our workplace Christmas get together on Saturday and I simply know this girl will make a beeline for me, so I’ve began hinting that my girlfriend might be there. Only I don’t have one. So I puzzled, would you play the half? I don’t have anybody else I can ask,’ he provides frankly. ‘I’m new on the town. And when you’re appalled by the entire thought, please be sincere.’
Appalled? How might I be appalled by a Christmas film coming to life in my very personal avenue? This is precisely what occurred in A Christmas Fake Date in Manhattan and masses extra Christmas romcoms. I’ve watched so many, I understand how they go off by coronary heart. The couple embark on ‘fake dating’ for some motive or different they usually inform themselves it’s all performing – however guess what? They’re genuinely falling in love! As the film finishes, they lastly admit the reality to one another – then they kiss and snow begins to fall and it’s one other completely satisfied ending.
And now it’s coming true! I’m in my very own festive romcom with the attractive hunk from throughout the road! How did life prove so effectively?
As I’m getting out my cellphone to swap numbers, Angus comes out of his entrance door. He eyes my cellphone, then appears at Ted and frowns. Always such a merry creature, Angus. (That was a joke.) ‘Morning,’ he says curtly, and I nod again.
‘Morning.’ ‘You’re up early.’
‘Same to you,’ I retort. ‘You’re by no means usually up by this hour.
‘I have a train to catch,’ says Angus. ‘What’s your excuse?’ Again, he glances at Ted, his face glowering. He hasn’t guessed I’m stalking Ted, has he?
‘I’m wanting on the fairy lights,’ I say defiantly, gesturing at my gate. ‘Aren’t they beautiful?’
‘Waste of time, if you ask me,’ says Angus and I really feel a prickle of antagonism.
‘Well, I love them!’ I beam at Ted, who laughs good naturedly.
‘I must get going,’ he says. ‘But Louise, thanks for agreeing to… what we were talking about. I’ll be in contact.’
‘Great!’ I say, fervently. ‘Can’t wait!’
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
I spend all of Saturday on a cloud of pleasure. Not solely do I’ve a pretend date with Ted tonight, however he’s carried on adorning the entire avenue. Every morning extra lights have appeared. It’s like residing in a festive grotto!
At 7pm immediate there’s a hoop at my doorbell, and I hurry to open the door. Ted is standing there, wanting dapper in a swimsuit and holding a bouquet adorned with fairy lights, which he palms to me.
‘Thank you so much!’ I exclaim. ‘You didn’t have to offer me something.’
‘Thought you’d like them,’ he says, his eyes twinkling. ‘Happy Christmas.’
‘Honestly, those street decorations have absolutely made my year,’ I say earnestly. ‘And even Leonard approves!’ I ran into Leonard yesterday and principally pressured him to say how good they regarded.
‘Glad you like them,’ says Ted simply. ‘And I must say, you look lovely.’
‘Thanks.’ I beam. ‘You, too.’
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
The get together is being held in an upstairs room at a pub and, as we enter, a lady with darkish hair in a bob comes straight over to us. ‘You made it, Ted!’ She surveys me with hostility. ‘And this must be the famous girlfriend.’
‘Yes!’ I say, grabbing Ted’s arm. ‘I’m Louise, Ted’s girlfriend. Aren’t I, darling?’
‘You certainly are,’ says Ted. ‘Louise, meet Simone.’
‘Oh, Simone!’ I exclaim. ‘Yes, I’m positive Ted has talked about you, a couple of times. Lovely to fulfill you!’
‘You, too,’ says Simone tightly, and I smile blandly again. I feel this might be enjoyable.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
So it seems that pretend courting is super-fun. And the get together’s fairly good, too. There are drinks and meals and a photograph sales space, and all through, Ted stays close to to me, his hand stroking my hair or his fingers casually resting on mine. I really feel like I’ve a correct boyfriend, and even discover myself telling Ted’s boss how thrilled I used to be to search out Ted on Tinder.
We look good collectively, we get on and giggle, and because the night progresses, I really feel a flutter in my chest each time Ted appears at me. This date is actual. He should really feel that too, certainly?
As ‘Last Christmas’ begins taking part in over the sound system, Ted nods on the dancefloor. ‘Want to dance?’
‘Sure,’ I say, hardly in a position to communicate. We start dancing, awkwardly at first, however then catching one another’s rhythm. As I’m singing ‘Laaast Christmassss…’ Ted reaches for my hand and brings my fingertips to his lips. I’m entranced, my head dizzy with pleasure, and I simply can’t keep quiet any longer.
‘This is real, isn’t it?’ I say, reaching as much as communicate into his ear. ‘Us two. It’s actually actual.’
‘Agreed,’ he says in that resonant voice of his, and one thing inside me melts. We’re within the remaining scene of the film! I wish to pull him shut, however then I bear in mind this can be a work get together. I ought to preserve some decorum.
So though I’m longing to kiss him, I preserve my self-control all the way in which to the tip of the get together, and all the way in which house within the taxi, till we’re standing on the road outdoors my home. The avenue appears much more sparkly with fairy lights than earlier than, and I don’t suppose I’ve ever felt happier.
‘Well, goodnight,’ I say, and attain as much as kiss Ted tenderly on the mouth. He jolts with shock, so I pull his head down in the direction of mine, ensuring he is aware of that is fantastic by me. Our connection is so actual, so intense…
It takes me a second to grasp that he’s struggling to flee my grip. ‘Louise!’ He sounds rattled as he wrenches his face away. ‘Sorry, what are you doing? This isn’t… It was a pretend date and it’s over now. So, I don’t suppose…’
Huh? ‘Fake?’ My voice echoes across the empty shut.
‘Of course it was fake.’ He appears flummoxed. ‘We agreed on that. It was a fake date.’
‘Yes, but then we fell in love with each other!’
‘What?’ Now his flabbergasted voice echoes across the shut. ‘No, we didn’t! I barely know you!’
What is he saying?
‘But…’ I flounder for phrases. ‘But you put up the sparkly decorations for me. And we bantered all night.’
‘Banter isn’t falling in love. And I didn’t put up the decorations.’
‘You didn’t?’ I stare at him. ‘But you said, “Glad you like them.”’ ‘I am glad,’ says Ted. ‘That doesn’t imply
I put them up. Please might you let go of my arm?’
‘But then… who did?’
‘Who knows?’
I stare at him for a couple of moments, making an attempt to make sense of the whole lot. ‘I don’t get it,’ I say ultimately. ‘At the party I said, “This is really real. Us two,” and you said, “Agreed.”’
‘Really real?’ Ted’s forehead creases. ‘I thought you said, “really weird”. That’s what I used to be agreeing with.’
‘Right,’ I say after an extended pause. ‘Well, sorry for the misunderstanding.’
‘No problem,’ says Ted awkwardly. ‘See you around, OK?’
‘OK. And thanks for a lovely evening,’ I add, remembering my manners. I head to my door, my cheeks sizzling and my palms sweaty. I’ve by no means been so embarrassed in my life.
★ ★ ★ ★ ★
I’m so mortified I can’t go to sleep and at 2am I’m going to make a cup of tea. A flash of sunshine catches my consideration and I peer out of my kitchen window into the darkish shut. Then I see it. A darkish determine winding fairy lights round a tree. The mysterious decorator!
I sprint outdoors, nonetheless in my dressing robe, and to my astonishment see Angus arduous at work. ‘It was you!’ I gasp, and he appears up, giving a brief giggle.
‘You caught me out!’
‘I thought you hated fairy lights. What about the cost?’
‘I realised I was being a bit of a Scrooge,’ he says, sounding shamefaced.
‘But why keep it a secret? Why sound so grumpy about it?’
‘I wanted to surprise you. Everyone,’ he corrects himself swiftly, then offers an embarrassed giggle. ‘OK, cards on the table, it was for you.’
For a couple of moments I’m silent.
Everything I believed appears to be fallacious. Ted wasn’t falling for me. Angus isn’t a depressing Scrooge. He adorned the road to shock me. Have I bought him all fallacious? And… might I get to know the actual Angus?
‘Angus,’ I hear myself saying. ‘Shall we go out for a drink sometime?’
‘I’d like that,’ he says, as flurries of snow start to whirl round us.
‘Me, too,’ I say, smiling at him via the twinkly, snowy evening.
It’s all good! I’m in a romcom film once more. Only, this isn’t the tip. This is only the start.
Save 20% on Sophie’s newest novel. Sophie Kinsella’s newest ebook The Burnout is revealed by Bantam, £22. To order a duplicate for simply £17.60 till 7 January, go to mailshop/books. Or name 020 3176 2937. Free UK supply on orders over £25.
Paper artwork: Su Blackwell
Retouching and extra art work: @getmarktodoit