To kickstart celebrations on the 2 hundredth anniversary of Trafalgar, an actor dressed as Lord Nelson was despatched up the Thames on the prow of a RNLI lifeboat.
On the orders of elf’n’security, he was pressured to put on a lifejacket over his nineteenth century admiral’s uniform, which considerably spoiled the dramatic impact.
I couldn’t resist writing a column imagining how the battle may ever have been fought below fashionable phrases of engagement. It’s been doing the rounds on the web ever since and went like this . . .
We joined Nelson on the deck of his just lately renamed flagship, HMS Appeasement, studying the sign he has simply despatched to the fleet.
‘Hold on, Hardy, that’s not what I dictated to the sign officer. What’s the which means of this?’
‘Sorry, sir?’
‘England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?’
‘Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal alternatives employer now. We had the satan’s personal job getting “England” previous the censors, lest it’s thought of racist.’
From there on, it’s downhill — or maybe that ought to be downstream — all the way in which. Nelson is horrified to find that the crow’s nest has been shut on the orders of elf’n’security as a result of there’s no wheelchair entry for the ‘differently abled’.
‘Differently abled? I’ve just one arm and one eye and I refuse even to listen to point out of the phrase. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by taking part in the incapacity card.’
‘Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
‘The ship has been declared a no-smoking environment and consumption of alcohol on board is banned as part of the government’s coverage on binge consuming.’
‘Don’t inform me — well being and security. Whatever occurred to rum, sodomy and the lash?’
‘Rum is off the menu, sir. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’
‘What about sodomy?’
‘I believe it’s to be inspired, sir.’
‘In that case . . . Kiss me, Hardy!’
Far from being a nationwide hero, Nelson is now seen broadly on the Left as an evil white supremacist, and is falsely accused of being a supporter of slavery — which he wasn’t. Pictured: Portrait of Horatio Nelson from 1800
You couldn’t make it up. Except I did. That was again in 2005. What I couldn’t have forseen is that, as we strategy the 220th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, life would finally come to overhaul my very own flight of fantasy.
Far from being a nationwide hero, Nelson is now seen broadly on the Left as an evil white supremacist, and is falsely accused of being an enthusiastic supporter of slavery — which he wasn’t.
Even earlier than the Black Lives Matter insanity, his status was being trashed and there have been requires Nelson’s Column to be toppled. You anticipate this sort of deranged woke nonsense from madwomen writing within the Guardian, however not from the National Maritime Museum.
Sadly, it was in all probability inevitable. One by one, our establishments have all fallen to the revolutionary, revisionist Left. Our historical past should now be seen by the kaleidoscope of race, gender, sexuality and incapacity.
As a end result, the Nelson exhibit on the museum in Greenwich has been ‘reinterpreted’. Notices insist that admirals should now ‘move over’ for ‘unsung heroes of the sea’.
Alongside a bust of Nelson has been positioned a statue of a ‘genderless migrant goddess’.
She/he/they, within the form of a black girl, is there to characterize those that have additionally proven ‘bravery and resilience at sea’ — together with migrants crossing the English Channel.
Press a button and you’ll hear the ‘goddess’ berating Nelson: ‘Many people make treacherous journeys escaping war. As a protector of migrants I have no need of your fancy medals and uniforms.’
The new exhibit is a part of the taxpayer-funded museum’s coverage of ‘working with stakeholders’ to supply extra assorted historic views.
It was created in conjuction with the charity Action For Refugees Lewisham — presumably twinned with Wolfie Smith’s Tooting Popular Front — and the controversial transgender kids’s charity Mermaids UK.
Quite what Britain’s naval historical past has received to do with a trans kids’s charity is past me. But it helps clarify why the ‘goddess’ statue is described as ‘neither male nor female, neither human nor fish’.
To be trustworthy, I’m unsure that Nelson is one of the best goal for Letfist revisionism. For a begin, he rose to the highest of his occupation regardless of shedding each a watch and an arm. And he was just one stray blast of French grapeshot away from gender reassignment
While his adulterous relationship with Lady Hamilton was nicely documented, his well-known ‘Kiss Me, Hardy’ final gasp may recommend he swung each methods. After all, the LGBTQWERTY+ crowd declare nearly each different well-known particular person — from Baden-Powell to Field Marshal Montgomery — after they die, so why not the daring Horatio?
Meanwhile, the rewriting of historical past to go well with fashionable prejudices continues apace.
With the 220th anniversary of Trafalgar approaching subsequent 12 months, don’t be stunned to see Nelson, carrying a rainbow lifejacket, wash up on the Kent coast on the prow of a dinghy stuffed with migrants.
STARMER: I’M FROM BARCELONA
Did Keir Starmer point out that earlier than he went into politics he was the Director of Public Prosecutions?
Oh, he did. I assumed so. What I can’t work out, although, is what he really did in the course of the 5 years he served as DPP between 2008 and 2013.
In that point there have been a minimum of two energetic investigations which you might need anticipated to return throughout his desk.
One concerned the choice to not prosecute Jimmy Savile on serial intercourse offences. The different involved harmless sub-postmasters accused of theft, fraud and false accounting.
It has now been revealed that greater than 90 prosecutions of postmasters have been taken up by the CPS — some whereas Starmer was in cost, however they’re not saying what number of.
Judging by Keir Starmer’s report as DPP, he’s not a lot a robust chief as Manuel from Fawlty Towers – as he is aware of nothing, says Richard Littlejohn
Starmer himself denies any data of those instances, simply as he insists he wasn’t conscious of the choice to not proceed towards Savile. I’m assuming on each events he will need to have been washing his hair that day.
We should take his phrase for it, however the procession of postmasters showing earlier than the courts was already within the public area. It appears curious that the person in cost wouldn’t have a minimum of been knowledgeable about two main case information — one apparently involving widespread criminality on the State-owned Post Office.
If and when he turns into Prime Minister, can we additionally anticipate him to be lacking in motion in terms of taking tough choices?
Judging by his report as DPP, he’s not a lot a robust chief as Manuel from Fawlty Towers.
When it involves Savile and the Post Office scandal: he know nothing.
AGAIN, I ASK: JUST HOW THICK IS GARY LINEKER?
Most of the marchers on the pro-Hamas/Palestine demo wouldn’t know the distinction between the Houthis and Hootie & The Blowfish, the American soft-rock band.
That didn’t forestall brain-dead parts of the group chanting: ‘Yemen, Yemen, do us proud, turn another ship around’, whereas the Old Bill stood there doing nothing.
Would they’ve been allowed to march alongside the Strand chanting: ‘Luftwaffe, Luftwaffe, do us proud’ throughout World War II?
The Royal Navy and the RAF are at the moment participating the Houthis, who’re attacking transport within the Red Sea, together with allied warships. Yet there are individuals on the streets of London screeching assist for our enemies, simply because the ‘River to the Sea’ headbangers are giving succour to bloodstained terrorists hellbent on wiping Jews off the face of the Earth.
How for much longer are we anticipated to tolerate these weekly hate marches from the enemy inside?
Meanwhile, Gary Lineker continues to make a prize, pig-ignorant prat of himself by backing requires Israel to be banned from worldwide soccer.
He’s no higher than the braying mob howling their assist for Hamas and the Houthis. A couple of weeks in the past I requested: Just how thick is Gary Lineker?
Now we all know for positive. About as vivid as a blowfish.