- If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org
This is the agonising moment Joe Tracini struggled to answer even a simple question due to his battle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
The Hollyoaks star, 35, best known for playing Dennis Savage in the soap, is hoping to raise awareness for the condition in new Channel 4 documentary Me And The Voice In My Head.
BPD severely affects how a person thinks and feels about themselves and other people, leading to intense, unstable emotions, chronic insecurity and intrusive thoughts.
Joe was diagnosed with BPD ten years ago, and it’s a condition around two per cent of the country will live with at some point.
In the documentary, which aired on Monday night, Joe showed just how much BPD impacts his daily life when he couldn’t answer a straightforward question from the camera crew, which eventually resulted in him breaking down in tears.
This is the agonising moment Hollyoaks star Joe Tracini struggled to answer a simple question due to his battle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
The producers asked Joe, who is also a comedian: ‘What would you say is your funniest video?’
But the actor was visibly struggling as he couldn’t form the words of a response, eventually just saying: ‘Oh my god.’
He explained to viewers in the voiceover: ‘Whereas a normal person would just answer that very simple question, my BPD means that, more often that not, I can’t.
‘BPD severely affects how a person thinks and feels about themselves and other people. It often leads to intense, unstable emotions, chronic insecurity and intrusive thoughts.
‘Right now I’m thinking everything from f*** what if the cheese has gone off to how much better my family would be if I just died.’
Still not able to communicate his response, Joe broke down in tears in frustration.
He told the camera crew: ‘It feels utterly mental. This is mental. I want to be able to talk to you.
‘I want to be able to see here and show you all the things I’ve done. You’re here because I asked you to come. I’m quite clearly mental because this is not normal.
Joe broke down in tears at his frustration as he struggled to form a response
Joe is exploring his BPD diagnosis for Channel 4’s Me And The Voice Inside My Head
Joe appears in the documentary alongside another image of himself, who he calls ‘Mick’ and who represents the voice inside his head
Joe’s father is I’m A Celebrity winner and comedian Joe Pasquale, who admitted he felt ‘blame’ over Joe’s struggles
‘I’ve never known why I have BPD. I do know that it’s bloody hard to live with. This is the worst I’ve felt, now.’
In the documentary, produced by Hungry Bear, Joe introduces the viewer to Mick, the voice inside his head who wants to constantly hurt him.
Whenever Joe is having a good day or feeling more positive, ‘Mick’ begins to shout intrusive thoughts at him that leave him unable to carry on.
BPD has caused him to struggle with addiction and panic attacks that have ended his stand-up comedy career. He confessed that he has tried to kill himself six times and suicidal thoughts are a regular occurrence for him.
‘I live with something called Borderline Personality Disorder and one of the symptoms of that in me is that I think about killing myself a lot,’ he explains in the show.
After going to Edinburgh to meet Kate, a professor of clinical psychology, Joe is advised to explore his childhood as a means to start therapy.
While the exact cause of BPD is unclear, it is thought to result from a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Those with the condition commonly experienced some form of neglect or trauma as a child.
Joe is the son of I’m A Celebrity winner and comedian Joe Pasquale, who appeared in the documentary to admit he was ‘absent’ for a lot of his son’s childhood due to work and now feels he is at least partly to ‘blame’.
After leaving Hollyoaks, Joe hoped to form a career as a comedian (pictured: one of his comedy videos) – but his BPD and panic attacks have prevented it from becoming a reality
Mr Pasquale admitted he had been absent for a lot of Joe’s childhood due to work
As a child, Joe spent much of his time alone trying to learn how to be a magician. But he fell out of love with it at the age of 16 and ‘filled the gap’ by doing drugs.
‘As soon as I finished drugs, I started drinking,’ he added.
Now 11 years sober, the documentary also explores Joe’s first attempt to perform on stage again after a panic attack meant he’d previously had to call off a show five minutes before it began.
In a tremendously courageous move, Joe manages to perform his one-man show in Norwich Playhouse to raise awareness for BPD in front of 300 people.
In other parts of the documentary, Joe speaks to his family, loved ones and experts in BPD, in order to gain more understanding into his condition, and try to make his life more liveable – though Mick is never far away.
Joe was supported by a psychologist through making the film and will continue to receive support following the show’s transmission.
He has previously opened up about his mental health in his book, Ten Things I Hate About Me.
Joe Tracini: Me And The Voice Inside My Head is on Channel 4 now.
If you have been affected by this story, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 or visit www.samaritans.org.