‘Jude Bellingham regarded like pub participant however was particular when England wanted him’

Football eh? Bloody hell.

And we get to do it all again in less than a week’s time. Because somehow England salvaged jubilation from the pit of despair on a remarkable night in the unremarkable city of Gelsenkirchen.

With seconds of stoppage time left England were heading home in shame – and Gareth Southgate was heading to the job centre. Then all hell broke loose. Jude Bellingham’s spectacular overhead kick levelled the scores.

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With what was England’s first shot on target in the entire game, against a Slovakia team on the brink of their greatest win of all time. “Who else” mouthed Bellingham as he charged off to celebrate. Which felt crude, considering he’d spent most of the match resembling a pub player, instead of one of the greatest on the planet.

Yet special footballers come up with special moments. And this moment of magic had taken the game into extra time, where Harry Kane scored in the opening minute of it to complete an astonishing comeback. Slovakia’s moment in the sun had literally gone in 60 seconds.

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While Southgate had gone from the dole queue to a place in the quarter finals against Switzerland – and still dreaming of being on that open top bus in Trafalgar Square this summer. Fair play to Southgate. He was hammered for not making changes as his worst nightmare unfolded.

Ivan Shranz’s 25th minute goal had given Slovakia a deserved lead, which the European minnows clung to like their lives depended on it. The clocked ticked down and Southgate looked like becoming the bloke who’d managed to turn a side from favourites to muppets in the space of four games.

Southgate needed to wake up and smell the coffee, because he was being outthought by an opposite number, in Francesco Calzona, who used to sell the stuff for a living.

Southgate had to rip up the plan at half time and make significant changes. He had nothing to lose. England’s front four were like strangers. But Southgate was killing himself with his own loyalty to those letting him down. He didn’t make one single substitution.

David Strelec almost scored from the centre circle after spotting Jordan Pickford off his line. It was comical. More than an hour had passed before Cole Palmer was sent on. Having said he’d never return to three at the back, Southgate did just this. Declan Rice hit the post, but that looked like being as close as England were going to get to the great escape.

Southgate watched the clock tick down – on both the game and the position he’s made look like a burden at this tournament. But then Kyle Walker’s long throw was flicked on by Marc Geuhi, and it fell to the golden boot of Bellingham. With one swing he saved an entire nation from mourning.

Bellingham deserved to have been taken off, but he hadn’t been. So did Kane. But he hadn’t been. And it was Kane who headed home the winner, thanks to a fine contribution from substitute Ivan Toney. The squad celebrated on the sidelines, while Southgate went to sit down and take in what had just happened in two of the maddest minutes possible.

During which time Southgate had gone from a managerial clown to some sort of brave genius. There’s nothing quite as fickle as football.