We’ve been amused and horrifed in equal measure by the U.S. Presidential contest and Joe Biden‘s meltdown during last week’s debate. But what do the Americans make of our own general election? Time to check in with this column’s TV affiliate Eye-Witness News, in Palm Beach, Florida.
Good morning, America, how are ya? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, with another three hours of fake news you can use.
While we wait to discover whether President Biden will still be standing against former President Trump in November, there’s another important election taking place across the pond this week. The Yew-Kay goes to the polls on Thursday.
The world was left bemused by Joe Biden’s less-than agile performance in last week’s debate
For the latest, let’s cross live to our special correspondent Brit Limey. Good morning, Brit. How’s it hanging in Jolly Old Englandland?
Good morning, Chad. I’m standing here outside Bellingham Palace, in London, where Englandland fans have been celebrating victory in a soccer tournament.
I can see the piles of discarded beer cans and vodka bottles in the background. They were obviously enjoying themselves.
Oh, that’s nothing to do with the soccer fans, Chad. Staff at Conservative Central Office have been drowning their sorrows after reading the latest opinion polls. It looks like President Dishy Souness is on the way out and the Yew-Kay will have a new Labor government on Friday.
And a new President, too. Who’s that gonna be?
Sir Piers Starman.
What the guy who won The Apprentice?
No, that was Pierre Mordaunt, from America’s Got Talent.
So who’s this Sir Starman?
He’s a Labor yuman rites lawyer and he’s heading for a landslide win. The Conservatives — the Tories as they call them in the Yew-Kay — could be wiped out.
But didn’t the Conservatives have a yuge majority last time out?
That’s right, Chad. Under President Boris Johnson they won an 80-seat majority, on a Get Brexit Done ticket.
So what’s gone wrong for the Tories?
They got rid of President Boris because he was fined £50 for eating a piece of birthday cake during the Covid lockdown.
Fifty English pounds, that’s like 60 dollars or something? Hardly the crime of the century.
Nope, but Tory MPs wanted him out and some, like Dishy Souness, wanted his job.
So let me get this straight. Boris had to resign as President because he was fined 60 dollars for eating a piece of cake. But Donald Trump could be our next President even though he has 31 felony convictions and could end up in jail.
Sir Keir Starmer is miles ahead in the polls despite his low popularity ratings
Go figure, Chad.
So, if Sir Starman is going to win by a landslide, he must be a really popular guy.
Negative to that. His latest personal approval ratings stand at minus-19. If he wins, he’ll be the most unpopular President of the Yew-Kay ever to take office.
Why are people voting for him, then?
They just want to punish the Tories for letting them down.
For instance?
The Brits were told that after they voted for Brexit they were taking back control of their borders. They think the Tories have betrayed them. Immigration has soared to record levels and small boats packed with migrants are flooding across the Channel every day.
And Starman would put a stop to that?
Nope, he’d scrap plans to send illegals to Africa and give an amnesty to those already here.
But he’d take back control of the borders?
No, he wants to do a deal to take even more migrants from the European Union. He’d also smuggle the Yew-Kay back into the EU by stealth without another referendum.
So why would anyone who voted for Brexit and wants to cut migration vote him?
Beats me, Chad. But voters are also angry at the Tories for having raised taxes to their highest level in 70 years.
And Starman is promising to cut taxes?
Quite the opposite, Chad. He’s planning to put them up.
Voters are angry with Rishi Sunak and the Tories for raising taxes to their highest level in 70 years
He must have some popular policies?
Not really. Starman’s going full-on for net zero, plans to carpet the country with windmills, force people to buy electric cars and give votes to schoolchildren.
Anything else?
I almost forgot. He thinks women can have penises.
They’re always welcome to mine, Brit.
Not like that, Chad. Starman thinks biological men should be able to call themselves women, use women’s bathrooms, changing rooms, etc. Not even people who have always voted Labor support that.
Despite all that, the crazy Brits are going to make him President by a landslide?
We’re talking turkeys voting for Thanksgiving here, Chad.
And still they have the nerve to criticise American politics. Suddenly a choice between Trump and Biden doesn’t seem so bad.
One of the most overused cliches of the campaign has been the comparison of Keir Starmer’s approach to a man carrying a Ming vase. Only a few more days to go without dropping it.
But come Friday, you can bet your life that once he’s carried the vase over the threshold of No 10, he’ll reach for a sledgehammer and smash it to smithereens.
A former female prison officer accused of being filmed having sex with a prisoner in his cell at Wandsworth jail was arrested at Heathrow airport today, trying to travel to Spain.
Linda De Sousa Abreu, a 30-year-old Brazilian OnlyFans ‘modelle’, who recently quit her job at the prison, has been charged with misconduct in a public office and bailed to appear in court on July 29.
Having seen her, er, portfolio at MailOnline, I can only wonder what qualified her for a job as a screw at Wandsworth in the first place.
After all, we’re not talking Mr Mackay from Porridge here.
Miracles rarely happen twice. But after Jude Bellingham’s wonder goal and Harry Kane’s header, wouldn’t it be delicious if Sunak scored a late winner in extra time and Keir Starmer went to bed on Friday morning having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory?