We’ve all heard the word flung at someone or whispered behind a hand. She took the last biscuit on the plate at the meeting? What a narcissist! He let the door swing in your face? What. A. Narcissist.
But is this interpretation accurate, or is the word now used so often that it’s lost all meaning?
How can we tell if our husband, our mother-in-law or our boss really is afflicted by narcissitic personality disorder, rather than just thoughtless?
Here, trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of a new book, How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, describes six red flags that indicate you could well have a narcissist in your life.
The shape-shifting behaviour of a narcissist makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like
1. They won’t take responsibility for bad behaviour
Narcissists won’t apologise for the distress they cause. It’s always someone else’s fault. They’ll say: ‘I had to do this because you said that!’ Normal people might not speak to their partners for a while after an argument, but eventually they’ll sidle up, mumble an apology and accept some of the blame. But the narcissist won’t, as he doesn’t think like that.
2. They’re charming in public but controlling in private
Narcissists are like chameleons. They might goad you with hurtful comments before a night out with friends until they elicit an emotional reaction. Then, at dinner, they’re the life and soul, while you’re subdued because they’ve made you feel terrible. Effectively, they’ve made you look like ‘the crazy one’.
This shape-shifting behaviour makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like. ‘But they always seem so nice,’ they’ll say.
3. Whether overt or covert, all narcissists crave attention
There are two main types of narcissist. The ‘overt’ type, who might be your boss, walks into a room and commands attention. It’s their way or the highway. The ‘covert’ narcissist is harder to recognise.
Despite being privately controlling, in public they play the victim. If you’ve got a cold, they’ve got the flu. They might complain about their partner, so friends say: ‘But you’re such a good husband!’ They, too, demand attention and praise. We therapists call it ‘narcissistic supply’.
4. Most people feel bad if they hurt someone. Narcissists don’t!
We can all be selfish or unfeeling, but the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we do usually feel empathy for others. If we hurt somebody, we’ll feel bad and want to make it right. A narcissist is devoid of empathy.
5. They’re as brattish as a toddler and always have to win
The narcissist has the mindset of a three-year-old, and only their needs matter. If they’re your partner or boss, you’ll walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If you find fault, they’ll shout, go silent, or retaliate with a personal attack. The narcissist always wants to win.
6. They’re accomplished at gaslighting behaviour
A narcissist will manipulate you until you question your own sanity. You might see a mysterious text on your partner’s phone, but if you ask who it was, they’ll say: ‘Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing there.’ If you insist you saw it, they’ll shift the focus to your behaviour. ‘You’re such a drama queen!’ they’ll say. You wind up feeling as though you’re in the wrong.
How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, by Caroline Strawson, is now available
- This article was originally published by Mail+ in March