Woman says ‘non secular OCD’ result in her virtually taking her personal life

A woman who suffered from ‘religious OCD’ has revealed how her immense ‘fear of sinning’ left her praying before taking every single bite of food and unable to look at the color red or the number six – almost resulting in her taking her own life.

Most teenagers are worried about grades, parties, and finding their first love, but for Jasmin West, now 25, from Ferndale, Michigan, she had one thing on her mind when she was in high school: getting into heaven.

Despite religion not being a huge part of her childhood, after she began watching videos on Christianity online at age 14, Jasmin became ‘obsessed’ with doing anything and everything she could to ensure that she would have eternal afterlife.

It started small – she would pray before meals and before going to bed, and avoided things that were considered sins like cursing, drugs, and alcohol.

But Jasmin’s obsession quickly started to grow, and she soon found herself repeating her prayers over and over again because it would feel like it ‘wasn’t good enough.’

She wouldn’t be able to eat or sleep until it felt right in her mind, which meant she would sometimes delay the activities by hours.

The compulsion got so severe that she started praying between every single bite of food that she consumed.

And that’s not all. Jasmin decided that not only should she avoid saying curse words, but she also felt like she couldn’t hear them – so she isolated herself from her peers.

She couldn’t stand to look at the color red or the number six because they were associated with the devil.

Similarly, if she had to write the letter T while doing her schoolwork she would have severe anxiety because it looked like a cross and she felt like it had to be perfect.

Soon, Jasmin stopped doing her homework and failed multiple classes – instead she would spend several hours of the day praying, and eventually, she contemplated taking her own life.

Jasmin spoke out about her ‘religious OCD’ – and how she ultimately overcame it during a recent appearance on Devorah Roloff’s We’re All Insane podcast.

The Michigan-native, who now works in marketing, explained that long before she developed her ‘obsession’ with getting into heaven, she showed signs of OCD.

Jasmin said she developed an irrational fear of getting sick at age eight, which resulted in her becoming obsessed with being clean.

‘Kids don’t really have those thoughts, kids go play, they don’t care,’ she said. ‘They have sticky hands all the time. But I was just wanted to be clean all the time.

‘It started getting really, really bad. I was just continuously washing my hands. I didn’t want to touch anything. 

‘I wanted to be in a hazmat suit all the time because I was just so afraid of getting sick.

‘And because I would wash my hands so much they would start to become raw, they would start cracking and bleeding.’

Jasmin explained that her parents split when she was finishing up middle school, which led to her moving away from her hometown with her mom while her dad and brother stayed behind.

And relocating to a new place and being separated from her friends and some of her family members only amplified her ‘obsessive’ thoughts. 

She said she became extremely ‘lonely’ after the move which is when she started ‘watching videos’ online – and somehow, she got ‘introduced to religious content.’ 

While Jasmin attended church as a kid, she said she was never ‘super’ into it – but as she came across more and more videos about Christianity, Jasmin said it sparked a newfound obsession in her.

‘It was this overwhelming fear of sinning or not getting into this higher place,’ she explained. 

‘OCD attaches to fears. I started thinking, “Oh so dying is not the worst thing that could happen to you, the worst thing that could happen to you is not getting into heaven.”

‘You had to be a certain way in order to get yourself a spot in heaven, that’s what I believed and woo did my OCD run with that. I started obsessing.’

It started with prayers before meals and bedtime, but that wasn’t a simple activity because her OCD would convince her that she had to pray over and over again until she got it ‘right.’

‘Something would tell me, “No, that prayer wasn’t good enough. You have to do it again or else you’re going to die in your sleep,”‘ she recalled.

‘So I’d start praying again. I would pray and pray and pray. It wasn’t even a different prayer each time, it was the same prayer every single time. I couldn’t eat [or sleep] until the prayer felt right.

‘It got to a point where praying before my meal wasn’t good enough anymore. Now, I had to pray before every time I took a bite of food.

‘If there was a bowl of chips I had to pray before every chip that I put in my mouth. If I had a stick of gum I had to pray before I ate this stick of gum.’

And soon, it expanded to more than just praying over food as she would have to ‘pray for forgiveness’ if she heard a curse word.

‘I started avoiding music that had cursed words. I started avoiding TV shows and movies that had curse words,’ she continued.

‘I started separating myself from people because high school kids, they’re swearing all the time.’

She said she would also pray if she even looked at the color red or the number six.

‘When you think of hell and and the devil, [you think of] red. I connected it with evil,’ she shared.

‘If I [was at a store and my total] had a number six I had to purchase something else so the [total] did not include the number six. 

‘I was so deathly afraid of that number it was insane. It got to this point where I was praying in my head constantly.

‘[Someone would be] talking to me and I would not be listening because I would be praying in my head over and over again.’

In addition, she said she would get ‘anxious’ while writing the letter T because ‘it looked like a cross,’ so she felt like it had to be ‘perfect’ or God would think she was ‘going against him.’

She said she soon started skipping her assignments over the stress of having to write the letter T and the fear of potentially seeing the number six, and ended up failing two classes. 

‘I was truly a shell of a person. I was living in my own head. I felt so suffocated,’ added Jasmin. 

‘I was being driven mad with these thoughts. It was all encompassing. I was so tired, mentally drained.

‘I didn’t want to eat anymore because I knew what would come with it. It was so exhausting. I limited my eating and that just caused really bad eating habits for me.

‘I started hiding myself in my room and becoming very reclusive. I was trying to avoid everything.’

Eventually, Jasmin developed suicidal ideations. She said, ‘I was feeling so overwhelmed with these thoughts and the noise was so loud. I started thinking, “What are ways to stop this? Can I ever stop this? Will I ever heal from this? Will this ever be something that I don’t have to deal with?” 

‘Then it turned into, “Dying doesn’t sound that bad. Dying sounds very peaceful.”‘

But because Christianity views suicide as a ‘sin,’ that made her feel even more ‘overwhelming guilt.’

‘Ultimately the OCD took over and was like, “You can’t do that because if you do you’re not going to get into heaven and that’s your ultimate goal,”‘ she explained.

Jasmin said she kept much of what she was going through a secret from her family, but eventually, her mom caught her praying before eating breakfast one morning and forced her to start therapy – and that changed everything.

During the first session, the therapist diagnosed Jasmin with OCD, something she had never heard of previously.

‘[Before that] I just thought I was crazy, I never thought there was a definition for what I was going through,’ she said.

‘She was the first person that told me essentially like, “You’re not alone there’s other people that deal with this and there are solutions. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.”‘

She then began taking anxiety medication which also helped ease her ‘intrusive thoughts’ and made it ‘manageable.’ 

Most importantly, however, she did a ‘ton of personal, mental work,’ and learned to be more ‘patient with herself.’ 

‘That’s not something that I had been previously. I was really hard on myself [before],’ she added. 

‘I finally got to a point where I was like, “You’re not crazy, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” 

‘I started gaining a lot of sympathy for myself and I started saying, “You have gone so long dealing with this you should be very proud of where you’ve come.”‘ 

Jasmin went on to graduate from high school and earn a bachelor’s degree in marketing and a master’s in criminal justice. 

She’s now a marketing specialist for Redefined Growth Marketing and his happily married.

She was on medication for eight years but no longer needs it, and while her OCD has improved, it’s something she knows will never fully go away. 

‘I still have OCD it’s something that I’m going to carry with me [forever],’ she dished. 

‘[My OCD] will always be there but it’s manageable, it’s not something that I struggle with now. 

‘There are things that I noticed that will trigger it so I just tend to avoid these things but they’re not like major things. 

‘Like certain TV shows I can’t watch, like creepy or horror things that talk about people being possessed.’ 

As for her religion, she ‘stepped away’ from Christianity for a while but eventually ‘found her way back to it.’

‘Now, my relationship with religion looks very, very different. I am very careful with myself to make sure that I don’t fall back into any compulsions and obsessions,’ she explained.

In the end, she said she’s ‘grateful’ for what she went through because it got her to where she is now.

‘I try to stress to anyone that is struggling with OCD, you are not your mental illness. You are not those intrusive thoughts,’ she concluded.

‘I want people to know that they’re not alone. I want people to understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

‘Don’t give up, it gets better. I know that’s the thing that everyone says but it really does, it gets better, I promise.

‘I was in a cage, I felt trapped, I felt like there were chains. I wasn’t free and now I feel free. I can swear if I want to, I can listen to anything that I want, I can wear any color.’