Triathletes dripping with the Seine’s sewer-soiled water must have been thinking what the rest of us now know:
This is the crappiest Olympics in recent history! Literally.
It’s taken nine years, $1.5 billion of environmental remediation and countless 5-hour workdays (this is France, folks) for the Paris 2024 organizers to deem the E. coli-tainted river safe enough for athletes to swim in. Just.
Last-minute bacterial tests saw the scheduled men’s triathlon event bumped from Tuesday to Wednesday this week, presumably to give lifeguards a chance to fish out a few floating bonbons.
When the boys did swim, many joked about the water quality.
Tyler Mislawchuk (pictured) finished ninth in the men’s triathlon and vomited after the race.
‘I’m definitely going to be visiting the bathroom later,’ South African Jamie Riddle said after the race. ‘I swallowed gallons and gallons of water, so that’s going to be a fun, post-race party!’
But this foul river farce is the least of our Olympic problems.
On Thursday, an almighty gender ruckus erupted after an Italian lady boxer forfeited her match in just 46 seconds after taking two straight punches to the face.
‘I had to safeguard my life,’ Italy’s Angela Carini told reporters after collapsing onto the mat in tears.
Her Algerian opponent, Imane Khelif, had been disqualified from last year’s Women’s World Championships after DNA tests reportedly ‘proved’ Khelif was intersex.
Yet the International Olympic Committee – who don’t carry out testing of their own – inexplicably approved Khelif to play.
On Thursday, an almighty gender ruckus erupted after an Italian lady boxer forfeited her match in just 46 seconds after taking two straight punches to the face.
And while the Carini incident may go down as the most disturbing Paris snapshot, it will have stiff competition.
Last Friday, the opening ceremony fast descended into a rain-soaked Rocky Horror Show.
Torch-bearing Serena Williams looked like she might toss up her croissants as she nauseously wobbled in the lead procession boat heading down the turdy Seine.
Maybe she’d caught sight of the Parisian private parts on display during the show’s odious parody of Leonardo da Vinci’s Last Supper.
One of the performers suffered a wardrobe malfunction that left his testicle dangling out his sparking black undies.
The eyeball-burning abomination was complete with a bearded drag queen and corpulent, self-described ‘love activist’ DJ Barbara Butch.
Then some dude painted blue and wearing a thong emerged from a giant chafing dish. He was supposed to be Dionysus, the Greek god of – among other things – insanity and ritual madness.
Then some dude painted blue and wearing a thong emerged from a giant chafing dish. He was supposed to be Dionysus, the Greek god of – among other things – insanity and ritual madness.
Talking of insanity – the Olympic Committee are yet to give an honest answer as to why convicted Dutch pedophile Steven Van de Velde, who served time for raping a 12-year-old girl when he was 19, has been cleared to compete.
Last Supper?
No, thanks. I’m not hungry anymore.
But the athletes are starving.
Despite a pledge to run the ‘greenest ever Games’, Olympic Village caterers have reported a ‘very high demand’ for meat and egg products.
A third of the ‘sustainably-sourced’ meals forced on the 15,000-odd athletes so far have been vegetarian or vegan. But, quelle surprise, the world elite don’t run on quinoa and locally sourced figs.
Meanwhile, our sports boys and gals have been forced into five-to-a-bathroom prison-style dorms with hard-as-rock, ‘eco-friendly’ cardboard beds, and no air conditioning.
Things got so stinky steamy in close quarters that US tennis sensation Coco Gauff snitched on her roommates who’d escaped to a hotel room!
At least one golden girl is enjoying herself: America’s waning queen, Jill Biden.
The Doctor – sans Joe – is all giggles in her ‘Farewell to Grandpa’ Era of the European tour, tossing back bubbly with Zendaya, Flavor Flav and Snoop Dog in the stands.
The Doctor – sans Joe – is all giggles in her ‘Farewell to Grandpa’ Era of the European tour, tossing back bubbly with Zendaya , Flavor Flav and Snoop Dog in the stands.
But this softest of soft power will do little to stem the ménage à trois of debauchery, deprivation and dookie unravelling across the pond.
Can anyone save us?
Three years after her dramatic withdrawal from the Tokyo games derailed Team USA’s podium hopes, gymnastics great Simone Biles has made a triumphant return.
And as she and her top teammates have proudly hoisted the Stars and Stripes this week, gold-medals adorning their necks, Biles has shown the world that girl-boss grit does pay off.
Thank you, Simone.
And, please, keep away from Dionysus.
Weirdo Olympics
Stateside, there’s another contest underway: the ‘Who’s Weirder’ Olympics, a.k.a. the 2024 election.
This week, the Harris campaign hosted a 150,000-strong ‘White Dudes for Kamala’ live stream.
‘I’m white, I’m a dude and I’m here for Harris,’ actor Jeff Bridges declared.
Sounds like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump remarked on Tuesday that wifey Melania was so traumatized by the Butler attempt on his life that she can’t talk about it, meaning ‘she either likes or loves me. And that’s nice.’
News flash – you’re all weird!
Free at last
Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich is finally free!
Russia released him and former US Marine Paul Whelan on Thursday as part of a large-scale prisoner swap.
Gershkovich spent 478 days in Kremlin-controlled hell – but for him and his family, it may now take far longer to overcome this unthinkable trauma.
Hack check!
Unhinged MSNBC harpie Molly Jong-Fast claims Trump VP-pick J.D. Vance’s ‘childless cat ladies’ slur is really a racist plot to encourage American couples to have ‘more white children’.
Will someone inform this hack that Vance and his wife Usha (the daughter of Indian immigrants) have three kids.
Good Romance
Lady Gaga was overheard at the Olympics introducing her tech-bro beau Michael Polansky to the French Prime Minister as her ‘fiancé’.
Gaga has had a string of bad romances, including a previously broken engagement.
At 38 years old with no kids, let’s hope this one lasts.
Lady Gaga was overheard at the Olympics introducing her tech-bro beau Michael Polansky to the French Prime Minister as her ‘fiancé’.
Silver Selleck
There’s more of Tom Selleck to love these days. But at 79-year-old and with a full head of hair, he still puts the silver in my fox.
Recent pictures showed what appear to be long scars on each of his knees, perhaps the result of replacement surgery.
Having just recovered from a hip-tear repair operation, I know how hard it is to get back on your feet. Good for you, Tom.
There’s more of Tom Selleck to love these days. But at 79-year-old and with a full head of hair, he still puts the silver in my fox.
Say it with your chest
Susan Sarandon’s busty daughter is boohooing over her boobilicious bridal gown.
39-year-old Eva Amurri hit back at social-media trolls who told her to ‘put away’ her lady balloons after she shared a snap of her revealing wedding dress.
But the veritable breast buffet was the least of her sartorial problems.
For starters, what is that hideous curtain-like rag hung round her waist?
Susan Sarandon ’s busty daughter is boohooing over her boobilicious bridal gown.
Taco Terminator
The robots are coming to fat shame you!
Taco Bell is rolling out A.I.-powered ordering kiosks at a string of drive-thru locations across the country.
They say it cuts down customers’ ordering times – though no doubt it’s about saving a crispy coin and firing minimum-wage workers.
But what will become of company profits if the A.I. outsmarts oversized fast-food fans who have stomachs for brains?
‘Do you really want fries with that?’