VICKY REYNAL: How do I cease our nanny elevating her charges?

Our nanny has told us she’s putting up her fees in September. I think she’s worth it as our children love her and we trust her implicitly. 

But, my husband thinks she’s aware of how much we love and rely on her and so is taking us for fools.

I secretly agree with my husband, but just want us to keep her as it’s so hard to find reliable childcare. 

I’m concerned that if we try to negotiate she’ll just stop working for us – and there are plenty of families in our area who are after sitters. What can we do?

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies:  Most parents would agree with you: reliable childcare is hard to find. But that doesn’t mean that you need to comply to her request without giving it some thought or at least attempting a negotiation. 

Having a tentative conversation with her about it is very different from approaching it as an aggressive negotiation or an ultimatum. There are ways to lower the risk of her responding negatively to your desire to have a conversation about this.

First, I would advise you to do some research to help you have a better sense of whether she is ‘taking you for fools’ or not.  

Rates might indeed have gone up since you hired her so asking around what the range is might feel reassuring because even if you end up at the top of the range, you might feel ok with the fact that in return for a higher fee you get to keep a nanny your children know and love and whom you also value. 

It is emotionally very costly to go through the process of recruiting a new person, for the kids to get used to them, for you and them to find out what each other likes/prefers. 

The process of getting into a routine with someone might be out of your mind now that she is settled, but there might be real value for you in avoiding all that again.

When you approach her to have a conversation, start with the positive: how much you value and appreciate her – specific feedback is always valued (and more credible) so I would point to a few things that you particularly like about how she works with your family and the kids.

Then you can tell her that her request is a good opportunity to check in. Keep the scope quite broad at first: is she happy with how things are going? 

Are there things she likes/dislikes about the job? What does she find most challenging? 

Then you can move onto what prompted her to increase the fee. All this is useful information that will help you negotiate. 

You might find out that, actually, her landlord increased her rent and she is now struggling to make ends meet (not an unlikely scenario if you live in London, for example) – which might make you feel less ‘exploited’ by the request. 

Or, you might find out that she is moving flats which increased her travel costs but there might be solutions that can help reduce the travel costs (you can facilitate a car pool, one of you can drive her, etc.). 

If, instead, you find out that she feels she has been working a few too many hours you could have a think and conclude that, actually, she could be working a couple of hours less – you could agree to keep her salary the same but in return she leaves earlier on Fridays, for example. 

This way your total costs don’t go up, but she effectively gets a raise per hour. The scenarios are endless when there is more information in hand.

One family I spoke to, for example, found a compromise in accepting the higher fee but in return the nanny (who was French) offered the children a 30min French class twice a week (which she enjoyed doing as she was training during the weekends to obtain a teaching certificate).

The point is to try and assess what drove the request and what she values beyond the money, to create a space in which a more creative solution can emerge.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk.

Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, by Bonnier books, £16.99 is out now.