This is probably the worst kept secret about me – I am a Costa Coffee addict.
I don’t know what it is about the place, but for the vast majority of the last five years I have found myself frequenting one of two local Costa branches at least three times every week. My order, a salted caramel coconut latte, is known by staff at both branches to the point where it’s ready before I’ve even paid for this.
Yes, this says a lot more about me than the brand, and I swear I’ve spent so much money there over the years that I should be given shares in the business – or at least a bottle of the salted caramel sauce.
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(Image: Netflix)
Anyway, I digress.
Last week Netflix announced it was brining one of Channel 5’s “Inside” shows to the streaming service, and this time it was Inside Costa Coffee. It appeared on Sunday, and yes, it was appointment viewing for me (and my wife . . . sorry!).
The 45 minute expose was more of the usual stuff we’ve all come to expect from these types of shows, from “wow, what a wonderful company we are” to “marvel at how we’ve become the best in the country” etc. But there were two things that stuck out for me, yet only one of those was featured prominently on the show – the food and the in-house music.
It quickly became apparent that Costa’s coffee was the best among rivals Starbucks and Cafe Nero, which is something many will find hard to argue against. But when it came to the food, Costa paled in significance to Starbucks. And this is my first, longstanding, point of anger with the brand.
(Image: Bloomberg via Getty Images)
Now matter how hard they try, the food is always sub-par – and has been since a family member of mine was working there 15 years ago. A sad looking vegan ham and cheese toastie, a rather tasteless tomato and mozzarella panini, and a bland tuna melt panini are not enough to make anyone go “oooh, I want to go to Costa for food”.
The baked goods are also very below standard, with the millionaire shortbread the only relatively decent thing you can get – especially since the cakes have risen in price, while the slices have shrunk. A short-lived partnership with Marks and Spencer, which never really reached much of the north it seems, has already left the building, with an on-off love affair with the Bosh boys is always welcome . . . but short-lived.
Facebook forums and other social media platforms have been filled with complaints and moans about the food for YEARS, but it seems to be a circle Costa bosses can never square. I’m not asking for life-changing, Michelin-starred meals . . . but would a bit of imagination go amiss?
(Image: Adam Cailler)
Or, just bring back the much-loved chocolate twists?
My second rage is the music. Good lord, it’s horrific. The show didn’t feature it, unless you picked up on one of the same 15 or so songs the brand allows staff to play subtly blasting in the background of one in-store clip.
Let’s be honest, when you spend as much time as I do inside Costa, you begin to notice small things. And the music has become one of those. It has no redeeming qualities, at all. The playlist is a mix of weird songs you’ve never heard of, mixed with somber love songs that teeter on the verge of being almost Christmas-like.
(Image: Bloomberg via Getty Images)
The staff hate it, the customers hate it, yet Costa bosses seem to love it. There’s even a Spotify playlist featuring all of them, which one person on Facebook described as “a playlist of nothing but pain and dark thoughts”.
Although, come to think of it, maybe they don’t spend all their time listening to it . . .
So yes, Costa Coffee, I love you for everything that you give me in life, but please, please fix the two issues you’ve been plagued by for as long as I can remember.
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