Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for three years. We’re both in our early thirties.
We have a great relationship and are very aligned on family, work and future goals.
We’ve also always had a great sex life, except for one thing.
When we met at college, I was a smoker. It wasn’t a pack-a-day habit, but I’d have one or two, and then more if I was out with friends and drinking.
One night, early on in the relationship, we were lying in bed and he revealed to me that he found my smoking very attractive, arousing even.
Dear Jane, my husband has a dangerous fetish and I don’t want to participate anymore
At first, I found this harmless and funny. I happily went along with it, smoking occasionally during foreplay and after dinner before we went to bed.
But since then, it’s escalated. He now wants me to smoke every time we have sex and will sulk if I say no.
He’s also recently started asking me to smoke during sex, which I find dangerous, distracting and, honestly, a bit gross.
We’re also hoping to have children soon and I want to cut back on the cigarettes in case it impacts my fertility.
His fetish really isn’t helping me to stop.
I tried to explain this to him, but he laughed it off.
I’m starting to worry that this has gone on so long that he won’t find me attractive without a cigarette in my hand.
He’s always been such a great partner and gone along with anything I want to try in the bedroom, so I feel bad denying him this.
I wish we could find a middle ground, but I just don’t know what that would be.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Smoking Hot
Dear Smoking Hot,
As dangerous as cigarettes are for your health, as far as fetishes go, this one is surprisingly mild.
It isn’t talked about often, but there is a name for this – Capnolagnia – sexual arousal from the observation or imagination of a person smoking.
That being said, I don’t dismiss your distress.
Smoking is demonstrably terrible for your health, not to mention potentially disastrous for your bed linens.
More importantly, given that you simply don’t want to do it anymore, this clearly needs addressing.
I am wondering if there are other ways to fulfill your husband’s desires that do not involve you inhaling harmful substances.
Perhaps, he’ll be satisfied if you pretend to smoke with a prop cigarette like those used by actors.
There are also plastic inhalers used my people who are trying to quit smoking that only expel nicotine.
Maybe, we can watch videos of women smoking to give him the fix he desires.
There is currently no recognized cure for capnolagnia. But it seems to me that there may be workable strategies to keep your husband happy, whilst protecting your health.
Wishing you much luck.