Dear Jane,
Six years ago, my husband of many decades confessed to having lived a double life.
He had engaged in a long affair that resulted in a child. He had since become estranged from that son and mother – but nonetheless, I divorced him.
In our divorce, I got a far greater share of the marital assets. I think he felt guilty, or maybe he just wanted to get out without a hassle. I stayed in the family home – and he rented a small place nearby.
Then, a few years later, he became sick.
Dear Jane, I discovered my husband was living a double life, and now my children are demanding that I do the unthinkable.
Our adult daughter, who still lives close with her family, took care of taking him to medical appointments and handling household tasks such as getting groceries.
We also have an adult son who lives across the country. He would travel to us whenever there was a medical emergency.
My ex is so lucky to have children who still love him, despite what he did to our family. But they’re getting tired of this arrangement and have recently told me they want to put him in an assisted living facility.
The problem is that he has no money after our divorce… and my kids want ME to pitch in.
They think I should contribute at least a quarter of the cost, since I got the greater share of the marital funds.
I can indeed afford it but I said ‘no’.
This man lied and cheated on me for so many years. And, without going into great detail, he also risked my health by not using protection during his affair (and who knows how many other women there were).
So, no – I’m not going to spend my hard-earned (and saved) money on him.
But now both of my adult children, plus five of my six grandchildren, will no longer speak to me.
I am angry and hurt. I dearly want to be close to my family again – but I refuse to pay for this man to live out his life after he ruined mine. What should I do?
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
From,
Twice Wronged
Dear Twice Wronged,
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in such a difficult bind, particularly after years of enduring all the pain that your husband caused you.
Let’s be clear: You aren’t under any obligation here. And you certainly aren’t required to pitch in to pay for your ex-husband’s assisted living facility simply to make your children happy.
You have earned this money, the divorce was final and you do not owe him anything.
But, perhaps the situations is slightly more nuanced than a simple yes or no, pay or don’t solution.
Even though you don’t want to give this money to someone who wronged you, it might ultimately make you more happy if you were to find a compromise and maintain a close relationship with your kids.
When we have children with someone, we are bound to them forever. I know many people who have flown halfway across the world to take care of a sick spouse whom they’d divorced years ago because, in the end, they are still their children’s parent.
Families are complicated! Once you have children, I’m not sure that anyone involved is ever ‘out’ of your family for good.
Your husband has hurt you terribly but now he is very sick. It could be healing for all of you if you found it in yourself to support him.
It may not need to be a quarter of the cost but it could be something.
And remember: it would be an act of love for your children… not him.
Whatever choice you make, I wish you well.