Wes Streeting and Keir Starmer have called for views on how to shake-up the NHS – but may be wishing they didn’t.
The Government has launched a “national conversation” on the future of the health service, urging patients, staff and other interested groups to have their say. But officials have been forced to step in after the public came up with some wild ideas – including partnering with Wetherspoons, putting Mikel Arteta in charge and funding services with slot machines.
Other ideas include making Matt Hancock Health Secretary for life, increasing capacity by using bunk beds and turning Buckingham Palace into a hospital. Responses will be used by the Government to help form its 10 year plan for the NHS, shifting services from hospitals to communities.
While the responses include plenty of sensible ideas about supporting NHS staff, funding and accountability, online jokers have had a lot to say too. Department of Health officials say they’ve had to remove or hide material that is “clearly inappropriate or irrelevant”.
Here we look at some of the more bizarre ideas that have been put forward.
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1. Partnership with Wetherspoons
One suggestion is that patients could be allowed booze with their meals. It suggests that this could “raise morale” and encourage people to get better faster.
NHS bosses could even partner with pub chain JD wetherspoons >Wetherspoon, the author wrote. They said: “Allow patients to have wine, beers, spirits etc with their meals to raise morale. Maybe opening a pub in hospital would encourage them to get better quicker and free up beds.”
It then helpfully goes on: “Wetherspoons could partner with the NHS.”
2. Put Mikel Arteta in charge
One idea Mr Streeting can consider is putting the Arsenal manager in charge of the health service.
But the rationale seems pretty mean spirited. A suggestion on the consultation site says: “The Government should put Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta in charge of the NHS.
“Then hospitals would only collapse in March and April every year, rather than before Christmas as they usually do.”
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3. Rename the NHS ‘NHS-y McNHSFace’
Sigh.
A nod to the dreaded Boaty McBoatface fiasco when the public was asked for opinions to name a research vessel back in 2016. One suggestion is that the NHS could do the same.
One person wrote: “Put it to a public vote. There are literally tens of us in favour of this.”
4. Make Boris Johnson pay the £350million a week he promised
Feelings are still running high over the infamous Brexit campaign bus claiming the NHS would enjoy a huge cash injection after leaving the EU.
The tongue-in-cheek suggestion states: “The NHS needs more cash. We send it to Boris every week. Let’s fund our NHS instead.”
5. Turn Buckingham Palace into a hospital
It has a lot of room, and could be helpful in a time of national crisis.
James Wilcox suggested it would be an ideal place to hand over to the NHS. He wrote: “Buckingham Palace very nice location for hospital.”
6. Madatory clapping for NHS staff
Another suggestion is bringing back the Thursday evening clapping for NHS workers – and denying treatment to those who don’t join in.
It states: “Anyone who does not clap should be denied future treatment since they have made it clear they don’t care about the NHS. This would save a lot of costs of treatement and would bring back some much needed social cohesion to this country.”
7. Put funny tweets and Rick Astley prank on the walls
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According to Frank Harper, this will raise spirits among patients and staff.
He wrote: “Putting up memes on the walls of NHS hospitals and GP surgeries could really help lift the spirits of both patients and staff.” Mr Harper suggested a “a meme such as a Rick Roll” – which sees unsuspecting victims sent a link to Rick Astley videos – would work.
He wrote: “For patients, seeing something funny might just take their minds off their worries, even if just for a moment. For doctors and nurses, it’s a little reminder that it’s okay to have a laugh amidst.hard work, it’ll help everyone feel more connected and lightening the mood during those otherwise long and depressive days.”
8. Larry the Cat for Health Secretary
Downing Street pet Larry is a unifying figure in the world of politics.
But does he deserve a seat at the top table? One NHS user thinks so, putting forward a suggestion that simply says: “Larry for Health Secretary.”
9. Or… make Matt Hancock Health Secretary for life
Putting Larry in charge is probably a better idea than this.
The consultation has led to a call for former Tory Health Secretary-turned TV star Matt Hancock to be given his hold job back. One user, Johannes Vork said: “Take us back to the salad days of 2019.”
Thankfully this one is unlikely to gain any traction under the new Labour Government.
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10. Get IKEA to furnish hospitals
One suggestion, from a user who calls themselves Slay Queen, suggests furniture spending would plummet if the Swedish retail giant came onboard.
It says: “The NHS spends too much on furniture. Partner with IKEA and get them to furnish all hospitals and GP surgeries. Get them to run our hospital canteens it would be better than the slop. Give us cheap meatballs.”
11. Rent out cinema seats
It has been suggested that the NHS should rent out empty seats in cinemas.
An idea posted on the consultation site says: “Cinemas need a boost – often empty post pandemic. We need hospital beds. People like films. People have mental health issues.
“Solution – the NHS rents out empty seats in cinemas so people can watch a film whilst they’re waiting to be seen or under observations. Win win?”
12. Ban onions and celery
Another idea Mr Streeting will have to mull over is whether onions and celery have had their day.
One suggestion says that they should be outlawed for the greater good. It states: “Ban onions and celery for the good of public health. They are not food and nothing good ever comes from eating them.”
13. Turn the heating down a bit
Claire Bradshaw said that hospitals can be too warm – and addressing this could save some cash.
She wrote: “After spending several days in an overly hot ward and hearing both patients & nurses complain about the temperature, it struck me if heating settings were lowered by 1 degree across the NHS then a huge amount of money would be saved annually.”
14. Replace single beds with bunk beds
This approach could increase hospital capacity, one person has suggested.
One entry on the consultation site says: “If every emergency hospital bed was a double-decker, this would double the capacity of A&E wards and reduce waiting lists.
“Also it would cheer up the patients who get to go on the top bunk.”
15. Put jukeboxes in hospitals
This would raise spirits, apparently.
Adam Coles wrote: “I think it would help raise the spirits of patients if they could request music to be played. Dizzee Rascal could increase the probability of recovery by a huge amount.”
16. Free annual cake if you don’t use the NHS
Jon Berneray wrote: “For every year that you don’t use the NHS, you should be awarded a cake. If you can make a chain of several consecutive years, then you level-up to a larger cake. For example, if you have no use of the NHS, its services or resources, for 25 years then you are awarded a massive wedding-sized cake.
“As well as being an incentive to stay away from the NHS and thus free up services for other people, this initiative would be a strongly beneficial boost to the UK bakery sector.”
17. Put slot machines in hospitals to raise cash
One suggestion says: “Slot machines are a highly profitable item in casinos and pubs. By placing them in hospitals, especially in high-traffic areas like waiting rooms, the NHS could generate substantial passive income for investing in new equipment or hiring staff.
“It also keeps patients entertained whilst waiting for their consultations. We all know what it’s like having to wait in a stinky room with a bunch of sick people, so why not ease the pressure by winning a few quid?”
18. Privatise everything
This was a common theme in consultation responses. One, which Mr Streeting would be minded to ignore, states: “Privatise everything privbatise it make it private turn everything private I want a contactless point at every door in every door in every building.”
It goes on to say: “I don’t want queues no waiting lists, just make it private allow the price mechanism to work for heaven’s sake thank you.”