In any long-term relationship it is completely normal – in fact it is inevitable – for each of you to have fluctuating enthusiasms for sex.
Our sexuality is a garden, and it has seasons.
There are times when our most life-affirming choice is to harvest the fruits of our erotic connection.
But on other days, deep in winter, the life-affirming choice might be browsing seed catalogues to prepare for spring.
The key to sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term is to adapt with confidence, joy and calm, warm curiosity to the changes brought by each season of our lives. I have 25 years of experience as a sex educator and a decade of marriage in which my own sexual connection with my partner has ebbed and flowed.
What long-term couples want from sex is connection, shared pleasure, a feeling of being wanted and freedom to briefly escape from the ordinary
I have discovered the secret of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term is not sexual frequency.
It’s not about novelty and adventure, or orgasms, exotic positions or variety of sexual behaviours. It’s not monogamy or non-monogamy; watching porn or not watching porn; being kinky or vanilla.
It’s not attractiveness, being conventionally good-looking, or having a ‘perfect relationship’ or a great body. None of those things predicts great sexual connection in the long term.
The science has taught me three essential – but perhaps surprising – characteristics of couples who sustain a connection:
1. They are friends (they trust and admire each other).
2. They prioritise sex (in that they decide that it matters for their relationship).
3. Instead of worrying about what they should and shouldn’t be doing in bed, they prioritise what works for them and they collaborate to create a context that makes pleasure easier to access.
Honestly? If there’s a ‘sexual behaviour’ that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction, it’s cuddling after sex.
What long-term couples want from sex is connection, shared pleasure, a feeling of being wanted and freedom to briefly escape from the ordinary. They don’t want to feel obligated to have more or better sex.
You’ve just got to keep tending that garden together.
Let me show you my favourite tools for maximising the erotic potential of any happy long-term sexual connection…
1. Do you feel like a sex vending machine?
Sometimes, readers tell me they would be happy never to have sex again.
If sex is dismal and disappointing, painful or boring, or you feel like you’re a sex vending machine, then it’s not surprising that you feel you can live without it.
Great sex over the long term isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.
Desire and passion are overrated and it is wrong to think that if you’re not perpetually consumed by desire then something is wrong. In fact, worrying about lack of desire can put good sex even further out of reach.
What really matters in a long-term relationship is the pursuit of pleasure.
Yes, desire can be a fun bonus extra – a bit like simultaneous orgasms – but it’s more of a party trick, and not remotely necessary for a satisfying long-term sex life.
2. Forget about lust
Perhaps you would really like the sex you would be having if only you could bring yourself to have it, but you’re overwhelmed with exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety or repressed rage.
Or maybe you’re stuck in a role that’s incompatible with erotic connection: you’re always in ‘parent mode’ or ‘caretaking mode’ or ‘job mode’.
If that’s the case, your problem is not your lack of desire, it’s because you are stuck in a state of mind that keeps lust infuriatingly out of reach. However, I can tell you it is possible to lift yourself out of feeling physically exhausted, anxious or frustrated and closer to a sexy state of mind. The best way is to think of lust as a room in your mind.
Dr Emily says ‘in any long-term relationship it is completely normal – in fact it is inevitable – for each of you to have fluctuating enthusiasms for sex’
It might be way up in the attic, out of reach, with – at times – exhausting flights of stairs to climb.
But the good news is you just need to work out which rooms lie next door for you and figure out how to get yourself there instead.
For many people play (having fun, laughing, joking, being silly) is a good jumping off point, care (realising you deeply care for someone, or watching your partner care for your kids) can work too.
I’ve identified a space I call ‘seeking’, which is exploration, curiosity, adventure and learning. It might be solving problems together, or travelling to unknown places.
The shared exploration can bring you together in a way that makes sexual connection more likely.
3. Fire up the accelerators and dampen the brakes
Your brain has both a sexual accelerator, which sends a ‘turn on’ signal in response to any sex-related stimulation, and sexual brakes, which send a ‘turn off’ signal in response to any perceived threat.
If you want to create the best possible environment for connection to happen, you need to be fully aware of your personal accelerators and your own brakes.
Start with the brakes: ask yourself what circumstances or thought processes put the brakes on for you. It might be back or joint pain, anxiety, any kind of expectation or pressure, a sense of stress, of being overwhelmed, worry about being interrupted, worry about your body image.
Now think about what context allows for your brakes to be released.
Next, focus on your accelerators. Perhaps it’s simply a bit of flirtation, a sense of enthusiasm from your partner. It could be something simple like a warm bath, or an act of kindness from them, or perhaps non-sexual touch or a massage.
Just being aware of your accelerators and brakes can be very helpful. It might help to write your lists down and swap lists with your partner so the two of you can collaborate to create a context that takes a little pressure off those brakes.
4. Fix the brakes
One of my readers couldn’t understand why the sex they had on holiday was so much better than the sex at home, until they realised the bed at the villa they rented each year was made of stone and built into the wall so they never had to worry about potentially waking their children with noisy love-making. Changing their bed at home fixed that brake.
5. Charge the accelerator
My partner and I used to keep the bedroom door propped open with a small linen chest, so the dogs could come and go, but during sexy times we opted to keep the dogs out of the room.
Closing the door required moving the chest and pulling up a large corner of rug to get it out of the path of the door.
Now we just prop the door with a small waste-basket instead. That small change has made the opportunity for connection easier.
Dr Emily, left, says she has ’25 years of experience as a sex educator and a decade of marriage in which my own sexual connection with my partner has ebbed and flowed’
6. Celebrate ‘choreplay’
Sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is the dishes (or put the bins out). It might not turn you on, but ‘choreplay’ can work as an accelerator (because it shows they really care) and can help lift the brakes of feeling that you are stuck in a caretaking corner.
7. The mirror exercise
If one of your big ‘brakes’ on intimacy is worries about how you look or how you’ve aged, you can blame ‘The Bikini Industry Complex’ – the giant, corporate, money-making machine that profits from your self-loathing.
It can help to desensitise yourself and build your immunity with this exercise: stand naked in front of a mirror and write down everything you see that you like. Repeat regularly.
The reality is your body is lovable right now, and the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow older.
8. How to stop partner hassling you for sex
If their persistent requests are putting the brakes on for you, tell them so and suggest you have a conversation about what it is they want when they want sex, and what it is you don’t want when you don’t want sex, as a rich starting place for a great bit of mutual learning.
9. Plan for fun
Putting a priority on pleasure might mean planning ahead and adjusting your schedule so that you have a minimum of stress and considering what your partner might need to get into the right state of mind.
We plan and prepare for so many things that matter in our lives. Why would we believe that good sex should just happen without effort?
And why, if sex matters to us and our relationships, would we not want to put whatever effort we can into making it a delight? This might mean finishing the laundry and the dishes to minimise distractions or cleaning the bath.
You’re not going to feel horny as you scrub the ring of soap scum from the bath. You don’t have to be ‘in the mood’. You just need to care.
10. Use admiration to fight ‘Normal Marital Hatred’
Wouldn’t it be great if we only ever had sex with people we like? But there will be moments in any long-term relationship when the ‘like’ wavers.
In fact, it is perfectly common to feel ‘Normal Marital Hatred’ when a trait (or many traits) that may have seemed charmingly quirky at the start of the relationship becomes intensely irritating.
When we are stressed, our brains are more prone to noticing the things that annoy or frustrate us and ignoring things that please or impress.
So, at times, you might find yourself wondering where the passion has gone, but I’m suggesting you replace ‘passion’ and ‘spontaneous desire’ and ‘being in love’ with the seemingly tepid emotion of ‘admiration’ instead.
Admiration is the inoculation against the irritation that helps keep the connection and helps you to avoid the escalation of mundane irritations into full-blown hate.
You can have sex with someone you don’t admire, of course you can. But if you want to sustain a multi-decade sexual connection with someone, a bit of admiration is key.
Being able to look at your partner and see them as admirable, even when you feel a million miles from the ‘lust room’ in your emotional floorplan, is essential to co-creating a satisfying long-term sexual relationship.
It is a fantastic tool for getting through the inevitable rough patches.
If you sometimes, or often, can’t find much to admire about your partner, don’t despair. You are not alone.
It is so easy to forget to admire our partners in the midst of the hullabaloo of everyday life.
Try these evidence-based exercises to strengthen your admiration muscle:
1. Run through in your mind some of your favourite things about your partner. When do you most enjoy their company? What makes you proud to be with them? Now write a list of positive adjectives (kind, ambitious, competitive) that are even slightly characteristic of your partner.
2. Think of something about your partner that drives you up the wall, then consider what positive trait might underlie that behaviour. The task is to try to reframe your partner’s imperfections, flaws, or shortcomings so you can turn them into their greatest attributes.
Are they stubborn (annoying) or persistent (admirable)? Unfocused (intensely irritating) or free-thinking and creative (admirable)? Demanding (grrr!) or strong in their belief that the two of you deserve the best?
Do they interrupt you and finish your sentences (unthinkable!)? Or is this evidence of their quickness of mind and sense of deep connection with your thought processes?
Remember, all the best, closest-to-perfection traits about you are linked to the most difficult traits about you, too.
Adapted by Louise Atkinson from Come Together by Emily Nagoski (Ebury Publishing, £16.99). © Emily Nagoski 2024. To order a copy for £15.29 (offer valid until November 2, 2024; UK P&P free on orders over £25), go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.