The Daily Star has uncovered troubling news that former Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag may in fact not be real.
Our concerning discovery came just hours after the figment of our collective imagination was sensationally sacked by the brass at Old Trafford, who we can only assume sat on one side of the board room and stared straight out of the window.
We were led to the ghostly revelation after we went out onto the streets of the capital – the heartland of Manchester United fans in the UK – to see how the diehards were feeling about the end of his tenure.
(Image: Offside via Getty Images)
We headed into the Soho and Oxford Circus districts of London, somewhere we assumed to be a fortress of Red Devils, forged by the white-hot flame of the Alex Ferguson era.
How wrong we were.
“Who?”
“Who’s that?”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Who? Erik? Not every German likes football, you know.”
(Image: Harry Thompson)
These were the kinds of responses we were met with as we traipsed the streets, a sullen feeling of repeated rejection mixed in with the confusion and mental anguish of suddenly not having a clue who it was we’d been watching manage United games since 2022.
Who had he been, this mysterious man with a sullen face and and neatly cropped beard and a grey chin?
(Image: Harry Thompson)
Had those tired eyes we’d seen grimacing on the touchline actually been our own souls staring back at us from the television?
We kept going. Someone had to know who Erik ten Hag was.
“Who? I’m a Spurs fan.”
(Image: Harry Thompson)
Standing outside the flagship Nike Town store, one person said: “Soccer? No. NFL!”
Finally, growing weary, we found someone who knew what we were on about. They at least acknowledged that the man existed, but didn’t seem confident his ability to manage a team did. “It’s because he spent so much money on not the proper players!”
(Image: Harry Thompson)
Another man, those same ten Hag tired eyes implicit on his face, simply muttered. “I think it was about time.”