I thought I preferred older men until I became an antique myself. Now that I’m an absurdly perky-looking 62, older men are no longer intriguing. They’re Rupert Murdoch without the dosh: lizard-skinned, sarcophagus-eyed, ancient. All that vintage Jean-Paul Belmondo-esque crinkly-eyed smile, expensive-watch-on-starched-cuff stuff has a surprisingly early sell-by date.
I am currently caught in a dating vortex, whirling from Dick Decrepit to Cute Youth and back with larks and occasional sparks, but nothing I could bear to bring home to mother. (Un)fortunately, my mother has been dead for 29 years, so the situation is not urgent.
Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate
Well, here’s what I’ve learnt. In general, chaps fall off the fanciable precipice the minute they sail north of 55 (don’t you dare yell ‘Clooney!’ and ‘Pitt!’ at me; every rule has honourable exceptions). Pre-55, males are still convincing pistol-packers. After that point, they shrivel physically, intellectually and spiritually. Think Samantha’s older lover’s sagging buttocks giving her the ick – despite him giving her Cartier diamonds – in Sex and the City.
Let’s be factual, not polite. It isn’t sexy hanging out with fellows who take an hour and a half to pee. Their toenails crumble. Their scalps flake through carefully combed wisps of frizzled hair. These crusties missed out on #MeToo, consent and the female orgasm. They’re with The Donald: ‘Grab them by the pussy.’ They think they’re doing you a favour when they paw your thigh under the table, liver-spotted mitts slightly shaking. You wonder what your tongue would bump into if they moved in for a kiss: bridges, crowns, implants, loose dentures, desert dryness or clods of yesterday’s foie gras?
Lord, show me a woman who wouldn’t rather be pursued by a sweet-smelling youth, easily transported to paroxysms of insatiable lust by a mere glimpse of her freckled, time-crumpled cleavage. Young swains who have never heard of Dustin Hoffman or watched a second of The Graduate are obsessed with older women. Mrs Robinson – Anne Bancroft, soignée in black lace lingerie – is their ultimate libidinous fantasy. They gambol into the bedroom, priapic with joy at the thought of getting jiggy with a woman who might have been at school with their mothers. There’s no doubt as to whether you float their boat. Their rock-hard enthusiasm can’t be faked.
Remember, younger men were taught the salient sexual details in RSHE (Relationships, Sex and Health Education). They could draw you a map of the vulva. They don’t blunder about trying to locate the clitoris but rather home in instantly and linger obligingly, fluttering butterfly-softly till you shiver, arch your back and bless their staying power. They also detest kink-shaming. If there’s anything left-field you’ve always hankered to try, whisper in their shell-like and they’ll swirl, genie-like, to swap underwear with you, drip candlewax on your buttocks or lick ketchup off your nipples eagerly and without judgment.
What do an older woman and a younger guy have in common? Easy: it’s enthusiasm. We’re enthusiastic about their enthusiasm. They’re enthusiastic about everything. Enthusing is fun. We crave fun. Fun has been in short supply. We’ve been far too busy dabbing out stretchmarks with evening primrose oil, defrosting the freezer, liking our boss’s Insta posts, depositing our parents at the ophthalmologist, scattering scatter cushions and dreaming up something unexpected to do with mincemeat to be frivolous.
Remember, though: young men aren’t for keeps. They flit in and out like butterflies – happy to be fleeting. So enjoy them while you can. Nothing is more relaxing than sharing a cronut with someone smiley and switched-on, who doesn’t need to be driven to the cardiologist, competently whips up a scrumptious poke bowl, merrily paints strawberry blonde tint on your greying roots and whisks you to a Harlesden industrial estate for an all-night dance-up.
OK, these whippersnappers might flounder should you initiate a discussion on Neil Kinnock, Susan Hampshire or Edna O’Brien. So don’t.
Vanessa Bares All by Vanessa Feltz is published by Transworld, £22. To order a copy for £18.70 until 24 November, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25.
DON’T MIND THE GAP
From ten years to four decades difference in age, these lovers aren’t letting the maths dampen their ardour
Cruz Beckham, 19, and Jackie Apostel, 29 The youngest Beckham boy and singer Apostel were recently seen watching Inter Miami – the football team owned by his dad – play.
Kris Jenner, 69, and Corey Gamble, 43 Kardashian matriarch Jenner has been in a relationship with Justin Bieber’s former tour manager Gamble for a decade.
Cher, 78, and Alexander Edwards, 38 The on-and-off pair are back on again after the singer was seen cuddling up to the music exec at last month’s Victoria’s Secret fashion show.
Sam Taylor-Johnson, 57, and Aaron Taylor-Johnson, 34 The directing and acting duo, who met on a film set in 2008, have been married for 12 years and have two daughters.
Heidi Klum, 51, and Tom Kaulitz, 35 Supermodel Klum married the Tokio Hotel guitarist in a lavish Capri ceremony back in 2019, a year after they met.