A prominent American clinical psychologist has revealed a technique for dealing with narcissists – but warned you must be ‘tough as nails’ to see it through.
Dr Ramani Durvasula, who has a huge social media following with 1.81 million subscribers on YouTube alone, released a video on the platform entitled ‘What happens when you go “gray rock”?’
During the 12-minute video, she explained what ‘grey rocking’ is and why it is an effective way to get rid of the narcissist in your life – but also highlighted that it’s unlikely to be a comfortable experience and could even be ‘triggering’.
A narcissist, as someone who craves admiration, wishes to be the centre of attention and believes they’re deserving of special treatment, feeds off recognition from others – what psychologists call ‘narcissistic supply’.
So, while some people argue that you should call a narcissist out, Dr Ramani believes nothing could be further from the truth.
Grey-rocking, Dr Ramani explained, is essentially maintaining minimal communication with a narcissist and not engaging in real conversation with them.
By offering no reflection back, the grey rock takes the narcissist’s power away – they’re no longer an enabling mirror.
‘You become completely inert, forgettable, unengaged… like a grey rock,’ she said.
Dr Ramani (pictured) released a video on YouTube, where she has 1.81 million subscribers, entitled ‘What happens when you go “gray rock”?’
She explained that you may still throw ‘bits and pieces of supply just to get them off your trail’ but ultimately grey rocking comes down to having as little contact with the narcissist as possible.
Dr Ramani elaborated: ‘When you’re in the presence of a narcissist you can sit like a grey rock – calm, serene and not going to engage with the BS, basically.’
In other words, by ‘not engaging, not talking to them, not arguing with them’ you no longer offer them a source of narcissistic supply, which will eventually lead them to ‘get bored of you’ and move on to someone else.
Yet, as Dr Ramani went on to point out, it’s rarely an entirely smooth or painless experience for those trying to free themselves of the narcissist.
Rather, when the narcissistic individual begins to perceive the change in behaviour, they will likely become very agitated.
She explained: ‘Because narcissists desperately need other people – and they resent other people because they need them – initially, when you grey rock them, you stop being as robust a source of narcissistic supply.’
And, because you’ve long been their ‘source of validation and narcissistic supply’, they will ne quick to notice its absence.
Dr Ramani expanded: ‘The narcissist will get frustrated and say things like: “What are you in therapy now?’, “Are you too good to talk to me?”
Dr Ramani warned that while grey rocking is an effective method to get rid of the narcissist in your life, it’s rarely a comfortable experience and can be ‘triggering’
‘They’ll turn it into an argumentative, combative, demeaning kind of a space.’
Because such repercussions are so unpleasant and uncomfortable for those doing the grey rocking, they may start to doubt that they are doing the right thing in ridding themselves of the narcissist.
Here, Dr Ramani was absolutely resolute.
‘The trick when you’re doing grey rock is to endure this initial period of agitation,’ she said.
She added: ‘Initially there’s going to be agitation, contempt, anger, frustration. They may be combative, rude, invalidating, they may call you names, they may really try to draw you out.
‘This is the toughest phase of grey rock. You have to be as tough as nails to stand there and withstand it.’
Yet, for people who wish to distance themselves from a narcissist by using the grey rocking method, that isn’t the only challenge they’ll likely come up against.
While the goal of grey rocking is to get rid of the narcissist, the stage that comes next – what Dr Ramani calls ‘the discard phase’ – may also prove difficult, or even intolerable.
She explained that the narcissist will likely become very agitated with the person doing the grey rocking (stock image)
The discard phase comes when the narcissist is so fed up of trying to get a rise out of the person doing the grey rocking – so bored of tapping them for narcissistic supply and getting nothing back – that they simply stop and move on.
But although the ultimate goal of grey rock has been achieved, it’s rarely straightforward for the person who has now been freed of the narcissist.
Dr Ramani explained: ‘The discard phase is always uncomfortable and sometimes the discard phase is triggering.
‘It can remind a person of early life experiences where they would be discarded by a parent.’
How the narcissist discards the person can complicate matters further – for example, if they make threats or start saying negative things about them to other people.
But, as Dr Ramani reminded viewers, no matter how uncomfortable they feel, the grey rock must hold strong and remember that their objective was always to be free of the narcissist.
She emphasised: ‘You got to hold on, remember, you want this to happen. The discard, the walking away from you, it’s good.’
The grey rock has enforced a boundary between them and the narcissist, which, in turn, will enable them to live a freer and happier life.
Grey rocking, Dr Ramani concluded, takes away the narcissist’s power.
‘You take away their power fully and play upon their insecurity by no longer being that enabling mirror back on their narcissism,’ she said.