I borrowed £500 from my friend who is seriously wealthy to invest in my start-up but despite my best efforts I can’t pay her back.
Should I ask her to forget my debt?
B.B. via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: You asked your friend to invest in your jewellery business and promised to pay her back by Christmas.
But you tell me in your email that you’ve only sold one piece and can’t afford to get rid of the debt. You offered her a piece of jewellery instead but she told you honestly that it wasn’t her style which you found infuriating.
Borrowing from a friend can create complex emotional dynamics. You might have borrowed the money with the best intentions but the challenges of starting a venture bring disappointments.
It is hard enough to face the setbacks in your projects but letting down a friend who believed in you can make it even harder to navigate these feelings.
What you do next could shape the course of the friendship.
Vicky Reynal says It’s important that you respect your friend’s choice not to accept the jewellery as repayment
While £500 may seem like a small sum to your friend, it is the principle behind the loan — and your agreement — that carries the real weight here.
More than about the money, this is about what the money represents: a promise. With it comes wrapped in the trust, support and belief in you that she showed by lending you the money.
Not valuing these would have a negative impact on your relationship.
It’s important that you respect your friend’s choice not to accept the jewellery as repayment. This is her money, which she lent to you in good in faith. Any expectation that she forgives the loan would also be unfair as this isn’t the deal you have.
I wonder whether you would make the same assumption if your friend wasn’t wealthy and whether you might be allowing some of the envy related to her financial situation to get in the way.
Or is this about a broader dynamic of inequality in your relationship and actually you feel that somehow she ‘owes’ you?
Your anger at her unwillingness to accept the jewellery instead or to help with your business could also be a response to your bruised pride – struggling to meet this financial obligation could be evoking feelings of failure.
Sometimes, when shame feels hard to manage, we might project it into others: maybe it’s easier to feel angry with her and think she should be ashamed for not forgiving your loan than to cope with your own sense of shame about all this?
It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about the situation. Make sure you don’t avoid her, or the topic and don’t wait until the loan is overdue and she has to bring it up first.
Find a good time to talk, with no other people around (and no rush) and explain the reality of your financial situation as openly as you can.
Vicky Reynal says as a sign of goodwill you might even offer to pay a small amount of interest
Show your intention to repay her fully and present a plan for how you might do that. For example you might make small sacrifices every week for however many months or selling some items on eBay/Vinted, or any other solution you can think of.
Ask her what she thinks about your plan and leave room for her feelings: she has the right to be angry, but will hopefully show sympathy and flexibility.
As a sign of goodwill you might even offer to pay a small amount of interest to acknowledge the fact that you are not sticking to the initial agreement and that this might have a cost (both emotional and financial) which you want to acknowledge and repair.
If, however, she decides to forgive your debt, it should come from her as a spontaneous and voluntary act of generosity. The best thing you can do is to approach her with vulnerability and openness, hoping you can reach an agreement together that will leave the friendship unharmed by this setback.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk