When Barry Keoghan, the star of Saltburn, allegedly cheated on singer Sabrina Carpenter, the internet went nuts.
How dare he cheat on someone so attractive?
It was the same when Hugh Grant got caught with a sex worker while in a relationship with the undisputedly gorgeous Liz Hurley. In the lookist society we live in, the question ‘But WHY?’ loomed large.
Research by the dating app Flure found there was a 302 per cent surge in searches for ‘Is my boyfriend cheating on me?’ following the split of Keoghan and Carpenter.
If men are going to cheat on women like that, what hope is there for us mere mortals?
The truth is men cheating on beautiful women is nothing new. In fact, you’ve probably got more chance of a partner cheating if you are better looking or more successful than they are.
Feeling second best isn’t fun
If someone feels dwarfed by their partner’s success or looks, they cheat to seek validation of their own attractiveness. They do it with someone average and attainable because they’re after an ego boost, not a challenge.
Men cheating on beautiful women is nothing new. In fact, you’ve probably got more chance of a partner cheating if you are better looking or more successful than they are (stock image)
The reasoning behind these infidelities might be logical but it still amazes us when it happens.
What does it feel like when your partner cheats with someone much less attractive or appealing than you?
Conversely, why risk losing a perfect partner by sleeping with someone not even half as fabulous?
To find out the answers, I spoke to a man and woman on either side of the story. Here’s what they told me.
‘THE OTHER WOMEN WEREN’T BETTER THAN MY WIFE – THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT THEY WEREN’T’
Stuart, 38, has been married for twelve years. His wife has no idea he cheated three times out of insecurity.
‘When I first started dating my now wife, I had so many people say to me, “Look at you! How the hell did you pull her?”.
‘It was meant as a compliment because my wife is extraordinary in all senses. But even in that initial stage of being utterly besotted, I still didn’t like the insinuation that she was somehow better than me – even if she is.
Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) says if someone feels dwarfed by their partner’s success or looks, they cheat to seek validation of their own attractiveness
‘My wife is that rare combination of extremely attractive – great body and face – and extremely intelligent.
‘She owned her own marketing firm by the age of 32 and it’s now a top agency in the UK. She did it all herself as well, no rich parents to give her a leg up.
‘I am moderately successful and attractive. But I do have a certain charm and can make people laugh – I guess that’s what she sees in me.
‘I was always the “hot one” of our friendship group but when I married her, I moved into an entirely different league.
‘The creative men she works with are all very cool: they know how to dress and are charismatic. Her friends are all powerful and have husbands who make a ton of money. Women fall at their feet. Money does that.
‘Everyone was nice to me and I was made to feel welcome. But I would look at her and wonder why she chose me when she could have had anyone.
‘She says it’s because I’m real and that I love her for who she is, not because of her looks or power or money. She is right but it didn’t stop me feeling nervous and resentful at the start.
I cheated on her three times early in the marriage. Once was on a stag weekend (which I don’t think counts, every guy does). The second time was with a co-worker, who has now (thankfully) left.
Men may cheat with someone average and attainable because they’re after an ego boost, not a challenge (stock image)
‘She hit on me and I think her motivation was to see if she could pull someone who had a wife like mine. She shouldn’t take it as a compliment: it doesn’t mean she’s better in any way. Her appeal was that she wasn’t. For once, I was better looking and more successful and I won’t deny that didn’t feel good.
‘The third girl was a girl I picked up in a bar when travelling for work. She was drunk and desperate and below average in looks. Was the sex good with these women? Yes, but only in the sense that it’s a new body in the bed. Did it make me feel better about myself? Yes, but only for a little while.
‘That was eight years ago. What stopped me cheating was the realisation that my wife is also exceptional in the best of all possible ways. She’s a nice woman. She has never put me down or doubted me in any way. She doesn’t deserve to be treated like that.
‘She doesn’t know about any of this, and I pray never does. I will never cheat again and feel sick at what I did. But when I read about celebrities cheating on perfect women, I can’t help but relate. It’s difficult being the partner of someone like that.’
‘HE CHEATED WITH MY PERSONAL TRAINER WHO ISN’T PRETTY BY ANYONE’S STANDARD’
*Jamie is an influencer and dated Dean for a year before discovering he’d cheated on her with a woman much less attractive than herself.
‘I saw people’s eyebrows raise when I first introduced Dean as my boyfriend to friends. They didn’t come out and ask, “What are we missing here? What’s the appeal?”, but they might as well have.
‘Dean is average looking, has an average job and is, well, average in everything, really. Why did I go for someone so uninspiring? For many reasons.
Even though the reasoning behind these infidelities might be logical, it still amazes us when it happens (stock image)
‘I’m an influencer and – online at least – I look like I have it all. I’m decent looking and live an envious life. I photograph myself at expensive restaurants, my home is inspirational, and I have celebrity friends.
‘But any influencer will tell you that all comes at a price, and all is not what it appears to be.
‘For starters, I might look OK to others, but I still struggle to believe it. I was a fat kid and my childhood was rough. My Dad left when I was three and my Mum brought us up on her own with no money.
‘I started babysitting and doing odd jobs for everyone from a very early age. I’ve always worked hard and at least now it’s in a nice environment.
‘I figured I was OK looking when I hit my teens and boys asked me out, but I’ve never felt good-looking on the inside. My Mum didn’t exactly fill me with confidence or give compliments. She was too busy making ends meet to worry about stroking our egos.
‘The outside version of me – the bit the public see – looks sexy, glamorous and together. I can thank my girlfriends for that: they taught me how to makeup and pose and the right clothes to wear.
‘The inside me has low self-esteem and worries constantly that I’m not good enough.
‘When I met Dean, he couldn’t believe I would consider dating him, let alone sleep with him. All I could think was, “Surely this guy will be safe and won’t leave me”. (Yep, those abandonment issues run deep when your father leaves you when you’re very young.)
Stuart, 38, who cheated on his beautiful and successful wife three times, understands why celebrities do it (stock image)
‘There’s always a voice that whispers, “Wait until he sees the real you – the clingy, insecure wreck you really are”. It took about six months of living together before he realised.
‘I could see it dawning on him that I was incredibly anxious and needed constant reassurance. That was the first sign he wasn’t who I hoped he’d be: he was pleased to see my distress, not concerned.
‘He’d always tell me he felt like I was too good for him. His attitude after that was, “Now I see why you’re down-dating. You might look great but you’re a mess. Who else would put up with you?”. He didn’t say it in so many words but the power in the relationship shifted.
‘The real kick in the teeth is that he cheated on me with my old personal trainer – and I paid for her to train him as a birthday present.
‘She is nothing like me: she’s short and stocky and not pretty at all. That sounds bitchy but she used to train me and still slept with my boyfriend, so I don’t feel inclined to be nice about her.
‘Even more humiliating, one day after I found out and dumped him, she put a photo of the two of them larking about during training on Instagram. It looked flirtatious and her comment insinuated they were more than just trainer/client. They didn’t end up dating, but the damage was done.
‘My friends have used her for training and go to the same gym. The day before I’d posted a “look how happy we are” photo of the two of us on my Instagram feed. (We weren’t but no-one who posts that stuff ever is.) Two days later, here he is with another woman.
‘My friends were all outwardly supportive, but it was obvious some ‘frenemies’ were delighted. Especially those that are secretly jealous of the number of followers I have. Kind of, “She looks great on Instagram but clearly not that good looking in real life. Can’t keep a man happy, can she?”.
‘There is a happy ending though: I finally got some therapy and feel a lot happier with myself. Next time I settle down, it will be with a man who is my equal.’
* Some names have been changed.
Stuck for what to buy your partner for Christmas? You’ll find Tracey’s product ranges exclusively at lovehoney.co.uk.