Q I am in my late 50s, divorced with pre-teen children. I’ve been in a five-month relationship with a man ten years older who is lovely – kind, considerate, intelligent – and we have become really close.
However, one thing I find difficult is that he never kisses me or holds my hand in public. In fact he is rarely affectionate except when we are having sex. I am not the most touchy-feely person but I do find his reticence disconcerting. I have tried talking to him but he just shrugs it off.
A Some people don’t like public displays of affection, although this seems to be more than that. The physical holding back suggests an emotional barrier – it’s perhaps more the case that he can’t, rather than won’t, hold your hand or kiss you in public.
There could be several reasons for this. Perhaps he came from a strict or reserved family where his parents were non-demonstrative. Maybe he was even reprimanded for being affectionate. Did he go to boarding school at a young age and learn to withdraw to cope with the pain of separation? Some people on the autistic spectrum also sometimes find physical affection problematic.
Of course, such matters will be hard for him to discuss, so explain gently that you understand he dislikes physical affection but that you find it difficult to be quite so limited. Tell him you need him to be able to meet you halfway otherwise it leaves you questioning the relationship. If he is willing, counselling might help lift some of these barriers. I know some might also think that he is having an affair and is afraid of being seen with you in public, but unless there are other indications, that’s very unlikely.
Our family Christmas seems to bleak now my mother has dementia
Q I’ve lost two aunts and an uncle to dementia, and now I’m watching my mother succumb to the same terrible condition.
Our family has always been close. Growing up, I had many memorable summer holidays that I still cherish in my 60s. Christmas was always a special time, but dementia has decimated this. My mother is still at home, looked after by my stepfather while the rest of the family take turns to help when we can, but her condition has deteriorated.
I’m heartbroken to see her forgetting all the happy, shared memories of family and friends – she doesn’t even understand what Christmas is now. With both my aunts and my uncle now absent, too, this time of year seems so bleak. I don’t have children or grandchildren of my own (though I do have nieces and nephews and their children). At the back of my mind, I also worry about my own dementia risk. I’m trying to remain positive but I’m falling apart. How can I get through the Christmas season?
A I fully share the view of the charity Alzheimer’s Society (alzheimers.org.uk) that dementia services need to be a national priority. Its Christmas campaign Light Up is partly aimed at addressing this (through raising money for support services and campaigning for change) and bringing a little light into the lives of families who are affected.
So firstly, I wonder if you are getting enough support. It sounds as if your mother might now need more help than the family alone can give. I know it is not always easy to accept outside help and that funding professional care may not be possible, but I think it is time to stop trying to do it all yourselves. Please contact the charity’s advisers to talk through your options. You should also access its Companion Calls and support groups. After years of helping people who are suffering emotional distress, I know one thing that makes the biggest difference is connection. Knowing that others are overwhelmed, too, and not everyone is living perfect Christmas-advert lives will help you.
Regarding the day itself, please don’t ask too much of yourself. While your mother is in the later stages of dementia, you will be perpetually grieving, so it is particularly hard. But she is probably unaware of her own circumstances and, eventually, after her death, hopefully your own good memories will slowly return. For now, remind yourself that you are also allowed to enjoy things even though she can’t any more.
Self-care is crucial, so step back sometimes and take moments for yourself. If you can acknowledge that the so-called festive season will be hard, but allow yourself to enjoy even brief moments, it will make it easier. You might, unsurprisingly, be suffering from depression, so please also see your GP.