Twas the fortnight before Christmas, when all through the royal house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse’…
Then up pops Prince Andrew at the centre of another excruciatingly shameful scandal.
Apologies for paraphrasing Clement Clarke Moore’s poem, but can you imagine the King’s reaction to the news this Advent season that a close confidant of the prince has been banished from Britain after claims by MI5 that he’s a Chinese spy?
The supposed spy, a businessman known only as H6 for legal reasons, was apparently authorised to act on the duke’s behalf to seek investors in China. He was even invited to the prince’s 60th.
What planet was Andrew on? Well, Planet Grasping, Arrogant and Stupid for a start. The alleged spy was told Andrew was ‘in a desperate situation and will grab at anything’ and presumably took full advantage.
It is hard to think of anything Andrew could have done to match his catastrophic association with convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his lawsuit with Virginia Giuffre, who accused him of sexually molesting her.
But he has managed to trump himself, unbelievably forming an ‘unusual degree of trust’ with someone considered a threat to our national security.
Which brings us back to that festering sore of his insistence that he has a right to stay in the 30-room Royal Lodge in Windsor Park with no visible financial means of support. The Mail on Sunday suggested Charles was still paying for Andrew to stay on. Which, kind as it may be, would be a serious error of judgment.
The 30-room Royal Lodge in Windsor Park. Andrew insists he has a right to stay there with no visible financial means of support
What planet was Andrew on? Well, Planet Grasping, Arrogant and Stupid for a start. Our King must realise the monarchy is a fragile institution and Andrew is deeply damaging it
Our King must realise the monarchy is a fragile institution and Andrew is deeply damaging it.
He must cut all ties with his brother for ever.
Jen takes a bow
Jennifer Lopez’s ‘revenge dress’ after reluctantly filing for divorce from Ben Affleck tops a list of the best of 2024. She’s got no knickers nor bra under two sequinned panels held together by bows. Given Ben often raised his eyebrows – and not in a good way – over her skimpy outfits, rather than thinking ‘look what I’m missing’ he’s probably thanking the stars for his escape.
- Eco zealot Ed Miliband reveals to LBC’s Nick Ferrari that he doesn’t own an electric car but rides an electric bike, to which Nick asked how far that would get him on his weekly visits from Parliament to his constituency in Doncaster, 170 miles away.
Why Coleen is no Kardashian…
After Coleen’s success in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, Disney+, Sky and Amazon are bidding for the rights to a £5million series At Home With The Rooneys. I fear it would be a snooze-fest. As lovely as Col is, she’s no Kim Kardashian and her husband Wayne is a halfwit. But if this picture of her hideous silver Christmas tree in a grey room resembling a mortician’s basement is a clue, we’d have fun walking around the Rooneys’ home.
- Amid the astonishing facts of Taylor Swift’s Eras tour – 12 costume changes, 46 songs per show, 1.5 billion in ticket sales – comes news that she had 250 pairs of stiletto Christian Louboutin red-soled shoes made for her. Sorry to spoil the party Taylor, but anyone who has worn them, like me, knows they should carry a health warning. You may dance well now at 35, but you’ll have bunions the size of Texas at 50.
Westminster wars
- Another Labour triumph after its massive pay rise for train drivers means disruption for passengers as staff can’t now be tempted to do overtime on their new salaries of up to £70,000. Talk about a Happy Christmas for the union paymasters. And all at our expense!
- Tory leader Kemi Badenoch says sandwiches aren’t real food, lunch is for wimps – but she occasionally has a steak, like Meryl Streep channelling Vogue’s Anna Wintour in The Devil Wears Prada. If she wants to emulate the great Wintour, may I humbly suggest frumpy Kemi gets a new stylist.
- Keira Knightley is nominated for Hollywood’s Golden Globe award for best actress in a drama TV series following her role as a ruthless assassin in Netflix’s Black Doves. It is both compulsive and convulsively hilarious viewing, the toothpick-thin Keira beating the hell out of baddies twice her size. Jason Bourne would have her sorted in seconds!
Secrecy over Sara
Justified outrage that anonymity is granted to the family court judge who failed Sara Sharif by allowing her to be sent back to live with her violent father –despite repeated warnings about his brutality.
Surely those wielding such power should be held to account?
But then whoever placed Sara into the hands of this monster will have to live with the knowledge that they did so – and that, for them, will be a life sentence.
- Women with painful gynaecological conditions are suffering ‘medical misogyny’ as male doctors fail to recognise their symptoms and dismiss their pain, says a report. All too true. But when I had adenomyosis, a horrible womb condition that causes bleeding and pain, it was a female NHS doctor who refused to do another scan on me. She said I’d already had my quota of treatment, and sent me packing with a paracetamol. The sad fact is it’s both men and women doctors who are failing us.
- Kate Moss ditches her lover Count Nikolai von Bismarck, 13 years her junior, to have more fun at 50. Jolly good. But maybe she should recall the words Billy Preston sang: ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.’ Even for supermodels, Christmas can be lonely.
- Many speculate that Daniel Craig playing a gay guy in new movie Queer was his bid to distance himself from James Bond. Reviews mostly rate the film at one to two stars. Hope his Bond diamonds (£65million from five 007 films) are forever.
I’ll cha-cha-cheer for Chris
The Strictly 2024 glitterball will tonight be raised by one of the finalists, whether it’s blind comedian Chris McCausland, Miranda star Sarah Hadland, ex-boy band star JB Gill or deaf reality TV star Tasha Ghouri. Chris is the only one without professional dance experience – fulfilling Strictly’s original promise to turn non-dancers into something resembling gracefulness. So even though he’s not the best, I’ll vote for Chris.
We all try to help others at this time of year, but nothing compares to Kevin Sinfield’s Running Home For Christmas marathon in which he covered 31 miles a day for a week, raising cash for research into motor neurone disease, which took the life of his rugby pal Rob Burrows. Kevin wore Rob’s number 7 and his target of £777,777 was smashed as more than £1million rolled in.