‘Tis the season to be jolly – except no, it isn’t. Not here. Bah humbug!
Brent A Gob launched in February, and I’ve spent the past 10 months moaning more than Mohamed Salah about not getting a new Liverpool contract. Now, given that Christmas is a time for making lists, I thought I’d toss my hat into the festive ring.
Santa Claus, of course, has his Naughty and Nice columns. My column, however, doesn’t really do Nice. It’s strictly naughty – like Cristian Romero when there’s an exposed shin to be hacked. So, I’ve trawled back through every rant I’ve written this year (all 114 of the buggers!) to work out who’s been sleigh-ted the most.
Like my trousers after a Christmas kebab, I’ve split it in two – logging the targets of the rants themselves and the gags scattered within them like baubles on a tree, or s*** footballers at Manchester United.
The result? An ultimate 2024 Brent A Gob power ranking. Enjoy it, ya filthy animals!
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In at No. 5 is Todd Boehly , who, until about October was the Harry Maguire of football club owners: a walking, talking punchline. Chelsea might be flying at the moment, but after spending half the GDP of Malta on new players you’d expect nothing less!
At No. 4 it’s Liverpool/Liverpool fans, who, as ever, have spent the year crying foul more than Bruno Fernandes after a gentle shoulder nudge. We’ve heard how their trophies ‘mean more’, how all their players are ‘werrrld class’, and watched Jurgen Klopp channel his inner-Alex Ferguson by abusing refs and reporters like the Germanic Sith Lord he’s become in recent years. In short, they can all get stuffed, Christmas turkey-style.
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No. 3 on the list is Rio Ferdinand, whose endless “innits” and “bruvs” annoy me more than Paul Pogba annoys Graeme Souness. Between his basic insights, his teenage vocabulary, and his delusional takes about United, he’s the most annoying pundit going – which is saying a lot given he works with Steve ‘I’d push my nan down the stairs before saying something negative about Liverpool’ McManaman.
At No. 2 we have Man United. Do I even need to explain this one? Like James Cordon, they’re a complete disaster – both functionally and aesthetically. They’re as careless with their money as a drunk at a strip club and their on-field performances have been Lizz Truss-levels of incompetent all year.
(Image: Getty Images)
And at No. 1… it’s Jude Bellingham. What can I say, other than sod this overrated, performative, tap-in merchant! He’s the new bane of my professional existence, and the fact that most people haven’t worked out he’s a jumped-up, arrogant so-and-so yet is a bigger head-scratcher than Pep Guardiola, or Tottenham paying actual money for Timo Werner.
So here’s to you, Jude – winner of the inaugural Brent A Gob s**** of the Year award. Boy, did you earn it.