The Golden Globes kicked off Hollywood awards season Sunday night, handing out honors to actors, shows and films that half the audience has never even heard of.
So, allow me to break it all down for you, dear reader. These are the only prizes that you really need to know about.
Best host, not Ricky Gervais
Comedian Nikki Glaser was a natural to host this year after her hysterical roast of NFL mannequin Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan at a Taco Bell. Good thing this blonde bombshell has got some brains.
Glaser lowered the bar, telling Vanity Fair this week, ‘I’m not gonna go so hard that anyone’s gonna be offended… I’m not Ricky Gervais.’ Well, she had me snorting so hard that I fell off my couch, with jabs like ‘Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch. These are not just words Ben Affleck yells after orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight.’
Too bad Tinseltown’s twits didn’t behave with such aplomb.
Comedian Nikki Glaser was a natural to host this year after her hysterical roast of NFL mannequin Tom Brady. But expectations were as high as Seth Rogan at a Taco Bell. Good thing this blonde bombshell has got some brains.
Most unhinged
Zoe Saldana won for best-supporting actress in Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to transition into a woman (so, a standard coming-of-age story).
Saldana ruined the moment by endlessly naming dropping her exotic co-stars and screeching, ‘I’m filled with adrenaline, but my heart is full of gratitude.’
Geeze lady, that’s not all you’re full of.
Most likely to take ayahuasca
Kieran Culkin grabbed best supporting male actor for the movie A Real Pain (yeah, I didn’t see that either).
He thanked his wife for putting up with his oddities as he credited his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
Now, Kieran: Just relax and tell us all what really happened on Neverland Ranch.
Freshest smelling loser
As Culkin basked in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing.
Strong was nominated for his turn playing lawyer Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
He lost. But, as he was dressed head to toe in mint green (complete with fuzzy bucket hat), he receives the prize for Most Realistic Mitchum Anti-Perspirant Bottle.
Zoe Saldana won for best-supporting actress in Emilia Pérez, a musical thriller about a drug cartel boss who wants to transition into a woman (so, a standard coming-of-age story).
Kieran Culkin grabbed best supporting male actor for the movie A Real Pain (yeah, I didn’t see that either). He thanked his wife for putting up with his oddities as he credited his therapist, who clearly doesn’t get paid enough.
As Culkin basked in the spotlight, former Succession co-star Jeremy was brewing. Strong was nominated for his turn playing lawyer Roy Cohn in The Apprentice, a preachy biopic about a young Donald Trump.
Nearest nip-slip
Adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and stumbled onto the stage, warning the crowd that they ‘nearly saw my Golden Globes!’
Some viewers were hoping that boobilicious model Ashley Graham would stagger up next.
Fakest mustache
Even Kardashian-adjacent wunderkind Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser as she gushed, ‘You have the most gorgeous eyelashes… on your upper lip.’
Chalamet always looks like he’s playing the role of: Man who has barely gone through puberty.
Oddest couple – a tie!
Speaking of Timmy, how in the world does he land Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
They’d be the most unlikely pair if not for Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco. Gomez blushed after Glaser called out her recent engagement, joking that a ‘genie… granted [Blanco] that wish.’
I would be embarrassed, too, if my fiancee showed up to an award ceremony with a unibrow and wearing a women’s blouse.
Did he star in a Frida Kahlo biopic that I didn’t hear about?
No wonder Zendaya physically recoiled at the sight of Beastly Benny.
Even Kardashian-adjacent wunderkind Timothee Chalamet wasn’t safe from Glaser as she gushed, ‘You have the most gorgeous eyelashes… on your upper lip.’ Speaking of Timmy, how in the world does he land Kylie Jenner? Did someone whisper Showmance?
Adorable Jessica Gunning won for her work in Baby Reindeer and stumbled onto the stage, warning the crowd that they ‘nearly saw my Golden Globes!’ Some viewers were wondering if boobilicious model Ashley Graham (pictured) would stagger up next.
Best joke/Worst joke
Glaser had the room at Harvey Weinstein-levels of awkwardness after she was joked that the Zendaya movie Challengers was ‘more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card!’ and added, ‘I’m sorry, I’m upset too. The after-party isn’t going to be as good this year, but we have to move on… No baby oil this year.’
Ashton Kutcher must be thankful that he’s not nominated for anything anymore.
Best dressed for a Quinceanera
Ariana Grande creeped us all out worse than her Wicked co-star Cynthia Erivo.
Dressing like an anemic grade-schooler, she and Erivo held space for each other all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfy confines of their two-woman coven.
Most terrifying
Cynthia will hold a special spot in my nightmares with her terrifying gown that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
She needed to put it in Ali Wong’s shredder, who paraded around in a godawful smock pieced together with leftover Christmas ribbons.
Cynthia will hold a special spot in my nightmares with her terrifying gown that looked like a cross between a Rorschach test and an iPad.
Big win for a gassy man
Nine Inch Nails rockers Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross won another Globe for composing the soundtrack to Challengers.
I hung out with Trent and the band for a night in Atlanta when they kidnapped Jon Stewart and sat around in a van lighting their flatulence with a lighter.
Open a window, fellas
Worst presenter
Mindy Kaling is now dead to me. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she stopped being funny. But she really lost me when she appeared with Meghan Markle in her upcoming, straight-to-the-garbage Netflix series ‘With Love, Meghan’.
Mindy co-presented with Kate Hudson but was so stilted that she made Nicole Kidman’s drum-tight face look loose.
Dressing like an anemic grade-schooler, Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo held space for each other all night, taking selfies and whispering in the comfy confines of their two-woman coven.
Mindy Kaling is now dead to me. Even since she lost a lot of weight, she stopped being funny. But she really lost me when she appeared with Meghan Markle in her upcoming, straight-to-the-garbage Netflix series ‘With Love, Meghan’.
Best speech by a Romanian
Bucky Barnes won, you guys!
Captain America: Winter Soldier star Sebastian Stan won for best actor in a comedy or musical for A Different Man and gave a shout out to his Romanian mom, who came to this country to give him a better life.
I, too, have a Romanian mom!! I’m assuming Bucky’s success can be directly attributed to a childhood of stuffed cabbage, nonstop guilt trips and – if his mom is anything like mine – being called a ‘cow in shoes’.
Most convincing human
Demi Moore (whom one of my teenage daughters insisted was Courtney Cox) gave the most honest and heartfelt speech of the evening.
She expressed the sincere pain of self-doubt and confessed that she was about to throw in the towel when she stumbled up the script for The Substance.
After being dumped by P. Diddy-buddy Ashton Kutcher and managing care for ailing ex Bruce Willis, this woman has been through it. And we’ve all been along for the ride.
That’s why it means so much to hear her say: ‘Just know, you will never be enough, but you can know the value of your worth if you just put down the measuring stick.’
Amen, sister!