Q I have never been accepted by my adult stepson, despite being married to his father for over 17 years. This is my husband’s third marriage and my second, and we are in our 70s. We have given my stepson lots of support, including helping him leave his manipulative wife three years ago. He has two children yet he’s never agreed to me being called Grandma, even though I’ve been in their lives since birth.
Now our stepson has a girlfriend, who seems nice, but I’m worried about their approach to his eldest child, aged 13. He often refuses to go to school, sleeps all day and plays computer games all night. They say they’re ‘trying’ to cut down on this behaviour, but are planning a big family holiday to America, so the children can get to know the new woman (they live mostly with their mother). I cannot see the wisdom in rewarding a boy who won’t go to school.
I raised two children with firm, loving boundaries and they are both successful and happy. When I tried to offer advice, my husband told me that I was seen as interfering. He won’t stand up for me, which makes me question my marriage.
A I can sense how hard it must be to feel you are being treated as an outsider by your stepson, even after such a long time. Maybe he initially regarded his father’s third marriage with scepticism. This could have caused him to hold back from connecting with you – leaving you feeling rejected and defensive – thus forming a pattern that is unfortunately still in place.
I understand your concerns about ‘rewarding’ a child who won’t go to school. However, his refusal may be down to struggling emotionally rather than being defiant. He has endured his parents’ messy divorce and now possibly faces a new stepmother. The pandemic has also left many children with anxiety and school-related fears. His compulsive gaming could be a result, or cause, of depression. I’m sure this distresses his father and his new partner. I’m sorry you find it hurtful not being called Grandma, but perhaps this is out of respect for the biological grandmothers and it needn’t stop you forming a loving bond with the children. Please seek advice from Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) and Internet Matters (internet matters.org) to learn about school refusal and gaming addiction.
The more you are able to support your stepgrandson, the more much-needed stability he will gain in his life. I suspect your husband may feel caught in the middle, so talk to him about how you feel, but do listen to him, too. You might be able to change the pattern with your stepson by simply standing back a little, being a loving presence for his children and asking how you can support him and his partner, rather than offering advice.
WILL MY DIVORCED FRIEND THINK I AM GLOATING?
Q I fell out with a close friend a few years ago. Perhaps it was stupid, but I told her I didn’t trust her new fiancé. I felt she was rushing into a new marriage after her first one had ended badly. I said he would never be faithful. He had made a pass at me but I didn’t tell her that, I thought she would just think I was jealous because I was also single after a divorce. My friend was furious and I haven’t seen her since.
However, I have recently discovered she is divorced again, as her husband had at least three affairs. I would love to get back in touch with her but I am worried she will think that I am gloating or will say, ‘I told you so’, which I wouldn’t dream of doing.
A Far from being ‘stupid’ to tell your friend your concerns, you were trying to protect her from making a mistake and suffering a second painful divorce. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to tell people things they don’t want to hear, especially when they think they are in love. Yes, I expect she would have just thought you were jealous back then, just as she might think you are gloating now. I can see you were neither.
Perhaps send her an email to say that you are sorry to hear she is divorced and that you hope she is OK. Even though you have nothing to be sorry for, an apology might nevertheless soften her up. Explain how much you have missed her and that you would love to meet. Keep it short, simple and free from defensiveness. I suspect you might have always contributed more to this friendship than she has, so if she can’t accept your olive branch in the spirit in which it is offered, you might need to let it go.