There is a scene in Netflix series Adolescence when Detective Inspector Luke Bascombe quizzes Ryan, a friend of 13-year-old Jamie Miller, arrested on suspicion of killing his classmate Katie.
‘Did Jamie ever talk about his feelings?’ he asks the boy. Ryan looks at DI Bascombe askance. Feelings? ‘No!’
It is one of the subtler moments in a relentlessly stark, confronting drama about a teen radicalised online before stabbing a girl he feels slighted by, but a telling indictment of the shifting emotional landscape of young boys nonetheless; one in which they feel ever more socially isolated and which, as a parenting coach tasked by schools with helping troubled adolescents, I am sadly all too aware of.
The advent of smartphones has subsumed boys into an online world of pornography, social media cruelty, and incel (involuntary celibate) ideology – a cyber subculture in which men blame women when they can’t find a romantic partner, legitimising violence against them.
Boys are subjected to toxic influencers such as self-proclaimed misogynist Andrew Tate and ‘Looksmaxxers’, who tell them if they don’t end up tall, with a chiselled jaw, they’re destined to fail.
This manifests in real-world pressure, as Adolescence starkly shows. DI Bascombe’s son Adam, who goes to school with Jamie, explains to his father that boys believe 80 per cent of women are attracted to just 20 per cent of men and that feelings are a sign of weakness. A social life spent group messaging and gaming has left many of these boys poor at communicating in person.
In my 17-year career coaching more than 50,000 children as well as hundreds of parents, teens often tell me they feel insecure, unpopular, convinced they don’t measure up to their peers, and ugly.
Obviously, not all boys dragged into this terrifying online world are going to end up murderers, but some do. In 2018, Alek Minassian killed ten pedestrians in Toronto, Canada, claiming he had been radicalised online by incels.
Adolescence star Owen Cooper (right) as Jamie Miller during an emotional scene with Stephen Graham (left) playing his father, Eddie
DI Luke Bascombe (Ashley Walters) with his colleague DS Misha Frank (Faye Marsay) at Jamie’s school
Here, Jake Davison, 22, who shot five people including his mother and a three-year-old girl in Plymouth in 2021, before killing himself, had discussed the incel movement online.
There are real consequences that, unless parents intervene, can have a catastrophic effect.
There is a misconception that only neglected boys who belong to gangs are vulnerable, but I am convinced even the most privileged middle-class children can be affected. In some ways, having more space, both literally and figuratively when parents are busy with work, and more money for tech can make a boy more vulnerable.
So how can you tell if your son is at risk? And what should you do about it?
signs to watch for…
SPENDING MORE TIME ALONE IN HIS ROOM
There’s a scene towards the end of Adolescence when Jamie’s dad Eddie cries: ‘But he was in his room, wasn’t he? We thought he was safe. What harm can he do in there?’ Unfortunately, when your child’s on their device in their room, you are effectively letting them invite strangers into a place that should be their refuge.
It is normal for teens to want to spend more time alone, however, so watch out for subtle changes in behaviour over the course of a few weeks – keep a diary, if it helps.
RUDE TO HIS PARENTS
Eddie speaks to his wife Manda (Christine Tremarco)
I have come across boys as young as Year 6 – the final year of primary school – who clearly don’t respect women, refusing to listen to female teachers, for example.
Watch for subtle kickbacks against family values at home. This might be as simple as their mother asking them to tidy up after dinner and them saying: ‘That’s your job, Mum.’
Or them making a throwaway derogatory remark about a female presenter’s body shape. They might suddenly become fascinated by a partisan influencer such as Elon Musk or seem reluctant to take instruction from female relatives or friends.
ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE
If they are reluctant to let their phone out of their sight, get jumpy or defensive when you try to pick it up, or evasive or angry if you ask them to show you what they’re looking at, they may be doing something they don’t want you to know about.
Although the obvious fear is that they are looking at something or talking to a stranger who means them harm, endless scrolling is a problem in itself – they’re likely to be using their phone as a way of numbing emotions that can later abruptly explode into anger.
OBSESSED WITH STATUS
Andrew Tate is a self-proclaimed misogynist influencer and is under investigation in Romania for human trafficking and rape
A teen overtly influenced by the online world is likely to lose interest in real-life activities he once enjoyed – playing football, for example. He’ll also stop mentioning friends you’re familiar with.
He may become obsessed with his social media status: how many followers he has on TikTok, comments left on his Instagram posts.
(In Adolescence, after a photo of Katie topless circulates via Snapchat, Jamie asks her out, apparently to make her feel better, but she mocks him on Instagram – a prime example of public shaming).
FLIES OFF THE HANDLE
Insecurity and low self-esteem often manifest as anger, and you may find your son becomes irritable, lashing out at the smallest infractions such as if you ask them to tidy their room.
They may not be physically aggressive, but often they can be explosively reactive, storming out if you ask what’s wrong.
He is likely to be less interested in his homework and reluctant to go to school, especially if he feels ostracised by classmates online.
The four-part miniseries, which landed on the streaming platform on Thursday, follows 13-year-old Jamie, who is accused of stabbing his classmate Katie (Emilia Holliday) to death
and what to do…
GIVE CONTROL OF PHONE TO AN OLDER RELATIVE
When you’re trying to work out what’s keeping your son glued to his phone, start with curiosity and empathy. Ask what they’re watching and why they enjoy it.
It’s also important they understand their phone is a luxury not a right and that they must expect you to look at it, because your job is to keep them safe.
If there is an older adult you trust and your son looks up to – a brother, for example – ask them to check your son’s screen usage and report back. Set clear boundaries as to where their phone is and isn’t allowed – I advise against letting them take phones into their bedroom – and set times for use.
TALK TO HIM ABOUT SEX
By 13, children have been taught about the potential damage of online pornography at school.
Boys may find it easier to talk about this with teachers than you, but it’s important they know it’s a subject you’re willing to discuss.
I’d approach it by saying something like: ‘I don’t expect you to say much – I know this is awkward – but you need to know I am here if you see anything that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable online.’
Tell them not to send anybody a picture they wouldn’t be happy for their granny to see. You could use the drama Adolescence as a conversation starter to show how quickly compromising pictures can ruin lives.
LET HIM BE ANGRY
The series is a No1 hit on Netflix
Often you can’t solve your child’s problems and trying to ‘fix’ them when they seem sad can only make them unhappier. Instead, if they’ve obviously had a bad day, say, ‘I know this sucks. I’m sorry.’ A good question to ask is, ‘Do you need my help or do you just want me to listen?’
Ask if they want to go for a run – movement helps – punch a cushion or let out a scream.
Tell them that you sometimes feel unhappy, too – that it’s normal. Modelling how to work through your own discomfort shows them how to work through theirs.
Research has shown it takes 90 seconds to identify an emotion and allow it to dissipate, and if we learn to sit with it, to cry or breathe deeply to release stress hormones – it will pass. Trying to resist it by scrolling or zoning out with computer games ultimately only heightens the emotion or leads to anger.
GET TO KNOW YOUR SON
Even if you think their favourite YouTuber sounds like the most inane person you’ve ever heard of, make an effort to understand the appeal to your child. Doing your own online research shows you care.
Gently expose them to men who shun toxic masculinity such as entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, who recently said we need ‘another model of what a man is’.
Encourage activities they once loved – a bike ride, fishing trip or board game. Encourage them to take risks offline – take them skateboarding, for example – to foster resilience and build self-esteem, and find volunteering opportunities (Oxfam accepts volunteers from age 14) which are proven to boost mental health.
WHEN TO SEEK HELP
If your son’s mood has been low for a couple of months, talk to their teachers – yes, schools are stretched, but they often have dedicated wellbeing teams to help with children’s mental health. And charities such as YoungMinds offer invaluable resources and advice.
As told to Antonia Hoyle.