How’s your sex life going?
You’d be surprised how many people in long-term relationships answer that question with ‘It’s uncomfortable’, ‘It’s awkward’ or ‘It just feels wrong’.
Or maybe you won’t be surprised at all.
My inbox is full of people complaining that their partner feels more like a sibling/roommate/best friend rather than a lover.
We all know why it happens.
Routine and comfort turn the relationship from exciting to predictable and stress and responsibilities take priority over sex. Perhaps one or both of you have ‘let yourself go’.
Over time, you stop spontaneously feeling like sex and it all starts to feel like, well, a bit of an effort when you could both just snuggle up and watch telly.
I don’t know one long-term couple who doesn’t identify with this – it’s normal. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fix it.
Routine and comfort turn the relationship from exciting to predictable and stress and responsibilities take priority over sex- it’s normal. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fix it (stock image)
There are ways to turn ‘sibling sex’ back into hot sex – even better, it’s best done through small changes rather than one big scary confrontation.
Here’s how.
TALK ABOUT IT
Fear not – this isn’t a ‘sit down, we need to talk’ talk.
Admitting you are each other’s best friend is hardly something to be ashamed of!
Start by talking about how much you enjoy each other, then veer off by saying ‘…but we’re not so good at maintaining the sex part of our relationship, are we?’.
Think back to the start of your relationship (when most people have their most experimental sex). Reminisce about how great it was. Would you like to experience that again? Of course you would! Make a pact to make it happen.
HERE’S THE TWO MISSING INGREDIENTS
Friendship loves routine and comfort; romance needs mystery and desire. They live at opposite ends of the spectrum – which is why the closest couples are generally the ones having the least sex.
Mystery and desire occur naturally at the start – you don’t know each other well and you’re (usually) physically attracted to how you both look. Then – just as mysteriously – both disappear over time.
You can get them back. A good place to start is to…
Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) says her inbox is full of people complaining that their partner feels more like a sibling/roommate/best friend rather than a lover
BREAK OUT OF YOUR RUT
Train your brains to crave novelty.
It sounds strange but simply trying a new restaurant rather than wandering down to your local is a good start to getting sexual again. See friends you haven’t seen in a while, get on a train and explore a new area. Holiday somewhere completely different, switch genres of what you watch on telly.
New things put you in new places and circumstances and force you to see each other with fresh eyes. Watching your partner swimming in the sea offers a different perspective to seeing them splayed on the sofa. Novelty makes you feel alive again, not just cruising through life on autopilot.
DON’T DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER
Spend time apart so you miss each other.
Go out with friends solo. Not only does it give you something new to talk about, a little bit of jealousy works wonders to create desire. You’re concerned someone else might try to chat them up?
Brilliant! It makes you remember you aren’t the only one who finds your partner attractive.
Do things separately: take up hobbies solo. Stop being Tweedledum and Tweedledee. On that note…
ENCOURAGE THE ‘OTHERNESS’
The world-famous psychotherapist Esther Perel, the undisputed expert on solving ‘sibling sex’ issues (Esther is the author of ‘Mating in Captivity’) says in romantic relationships it’s crucial to appreciate the unique qualities and individual needs of each partner. If you erase the ‘otherness’ and try to merge, desire is stifled.
It’s a good thing if you aren’t matching bookends: it’s healthier and sexier NOT to agree on everything. Don’t create mini-me’s: let each other be their own individual selves.
ADD IN SOME SENSUAL TOUCHING
Close couples are great at affection: I bet you snuggle on the sofa, kiss and hold hands all the time.
What’s missing are the sensual, playful ‘daring’ touches. So, plant a kiss on your partner’s neck not their cheek. Slap their bottom. Be a little suggestive. Tell them they look hot and sexy not ‘nice’.
TALK ABOUT SEX – SPECIFICALLY THIS TIME
Before you do, each think about what you really like about the sex you have (or used to have) and any things you’d like to try.
(Note I didn’t say to talk about what you don’t like: always start from what you want more of, not less of.)
You used to love Sunday morning, spooning-style sex? Your partner gives a hell BJ? Sexual compliments get you everywhere; knowing what you want is three- quarters of the battle to getting it.
TACKLE ANY CONFIDENCE ISSUES
Sometimes sex stops because both or one of you don’t feel attractive anymore. If you don’t feel confident of how you look, take some steps to rectify it.
Exercise, eat better, buy some new clothes or give yourself a mini makeover.
The sexier you feel, the more likely desire will follow.
PLAN SEX TO MAKE IT A HABIT
Spontaneous sex is great – but if all long-term couples waited for desire to just happen, you’d never have sex again.
Life gets busy and the less you have sex, the less you want it. Your body forgets how good it can feel.
Anticipation is a fine substitute for spontaneity.
Plan a time when you think you both might be open to having sex then plan a sex session you will both look forward to.
Ideally, you’d take turns planning the session, making sure you try one thing each time. (It doesn’t have to be a big thing: facing different ends of the bed is enough to trick the brain.)
Write down 10 things you’d each like to try on a sheet of paper.
Approve each other’s suggestions, then cut them up into 20 individual bits, fold and put in a jar.
Before you have sex, one of you chooses from the jar and you do whatever it says.
It’s a great way to add novelty without unwelcome surprises.
REVEAL YOUR DARK SIDES
Nearly all of us have something we find a huge turn-on that we haven’t revealed to our partner – or any partner for that matter.
Usually because it’s something that’s not ‘acceptable’ and we’re worried we’ll be judged for finding it exciting.
Keeping sex exciting long-term is a tough call – but you’re never going to succeed unless you let each other see your ‘dark sides’.
Whether that’s admitting to liking a quirky porn category to fantasising about being tied up and completely submissive, the more shocking the admission is, the better.
The aim is to provide enough of an erotic jolt to make you see each other as sexual beings again.
Swap, ‘I really do think we should have painted the living room green after all’, for ‘I keep having a fantasy about you and I having sex in public where someone might walk in and surprise us.’
Create fireworks not cosy fireside cuddles!
You’ll find Tracey’s product ranges at lovehoney.co.uk. Season 13 of Tracey’s podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, launches early April. Details traceycox.com.