Oh no, Thomas Tuchel said England were a bit rubbish at the Euros! Quick, someone fetch the smelling salts!
In case you missed it, the new Three Lions boss riled up the chin-stroking masses last week by having a pop at He Who Must Not Be Shamed, Sir Gareff – polite stepdad and wellness influencer to the nation, who convinced far too many of us that vibes and a Majestic Wine loyalty card were more important than playing effective football.
Tuchel said Southgate’s team were ‘scared to lose’ in Germany, which is like saying Premier League referees are scared of competency: clear as daylight! Still, that didn’t stop the chattering classes from pompously wagging their fingers.
But here’s the thing – it isn’t disrespectful to state the bleeding obvious. England were as toothless as Nobby Stiles, Southgate was tactically under-baked, and Jude Bellingham was cockier than a rooster in satin trousers. These are facts.
If we can’t be honest about why we failed, then how the hell are we ever going to succeed? Tuchel’s blunt honesty is exactly what’s required after eight years of Kumbaya-singing, lentil-munching, always-the-bridesmaid mediocrity.
(Image: Getty)
Sure, Southgate deserves respect, but you know who else deserves respect? Me, for sitting through game after game of absolute dross last summer – or as I like to think of it: a month in the life of a Manchester United fan.
Behave New World
But before you brand me a shameless Thomarse-licker, let’s get one thing straight: if Jordan Henderson and Kyle Walker are his idea of a fresh start, then he needs a gut check like Eden Hazard did after that burger binge he went on before joining Real Madrid.
I get it, they’re both “leaders”. But their recent form – and, to a certain degree, their moral compasses – are about as dodgy as Manchester City’s finances. Allegedly.
Plus, they’re both old enough to be Myles Lewis Skelly’s dad… or, in Walker’s case, his secret dad.
(Image: Getty Images)
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Even in their prime they had more flaws than an Arsenal title charge. The only stuff Henderson was ever world class at was pointing, and unnecessarily barking obvious passing instructions at his team-mates.
As for Walker – sure, he was quick, but watching him defend was like watching a pensioner try and reset their WiFi router – a lot of frantic movement, but no real sense of what’s happening.
If Tuchel’s dead-set on picking retirees with zero chance of making the World Cup, the least he could do is have a bit of fun with it.
(Image: Marc Atkins/Getty Images)
Why not stick Andy Carroll up top in a suit of armour and let him go full mediaeval jouster, swinging his elbows like he’s fighting for the last mutton joint?
Or better yet, strap a GoPro to Peter Crouch and have him whisper suggestive innuendos in defenders’ ears all night. Or maybe give John Barnes a run-out, but only on the condition that he promises to hold, give, and do it at the right time.
Come on, Tommy. Indulge us!