Leaving an abusive relationship is always an achievement to be praised. But this is far from the end of the road. Emerging from a relationship with a narcissist, which abusive partners tend to be, can leave you feeling unsure of yourself and wary of future connections.
You feel as if you’ll never be able to trust anyone again. Every cell of your body demands self-preservation, screaming at you to ‘stay on your own!’
I know this journey intimately. After leaving my abusive marriage, I was left battling complex PTSD, depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
I felt isolated, judged and as though the best years of my life were behind me. I thought I would never find love again. But at 51 years old, I am now happily remarried and help other people heal after abuse as a therapist.
When I was 24 I met my first husband. We were working as cabin crew and our colleagues tried to warn me off him, saying he was a ‘player’ but he was extremely persistent.
He showered me with attention and gifts and, when we had only been together for three months, he sealed his commitment by having my name tattooed on his arm.
Of course what I didn’t realise was the intense romantic gestures and the crazy tattoo were classic signs of ‘love bombing’.
Later his manipulative nature, frequent use of gaslighting, bare-faced lies and violent mood swings emerged. I was permanently on eggshells, never knowing how he was going to react. When I became pregnant with our son in 2003, his mood swings intensified.
CAROLINE STRAWSON: I felt as though the best years of my life were behind me. I thought I would never find love again. But at 51, I am now remarried and help other people heal after abuse as a therapist
I gave up my job and he assured me he would look after me. I’ve now learned making your partner financially reliant on you is another narcissistic trait.
When I fell pregnant again I discovered my husband was having an affair. Devastated, I persuaded him to go to counselling, where the therapist opened my eyes to the fact he was a narcissist.
Two years later he left me and I discovered we were mired in debt – £70,000 to be precise. Homeless with two young children I turned to self-harm and even contemplated suicide.
Desperately hoping to prove I was loveable, I jumped into online dating far too quickly. I craved external validation. I was still attracting toxic men because I hadn’t recovered from the abusive patterns. I was overly accommodating, trying to win love, instead of just being loved for who I was.
There was a relationship that became serious, but six months in his controlling nature became apparent. I realised I’d found myself in another narcissistic relationship. This time I had the awareness and strength to walk away.
I paused dating altogether. I knew I needed to heal. I spent time reconnecting with myself and what I liked, what I needed, and who I actually was.
And when I eventually did meet my now-husband, the dynamic was completely different. It wasn’t about rescuing or fixing, it was about mutual respect and love built on a foundation of healing.
Survivors can end up in an abusive cycle. Cortisol, a stress hormone, can be addictive, so living in survival mode and receiving breadcrumbs of love is a comfortable and familiar feeling.
It’s crucial to break this cycle. Victims deserve to love and be loved again. Here is my professional advice for how to navigate the world after abuse – and find a happy, stable love that lasts.
If a situation or behaviour feels off, honour that feeling. Your intuition is a valuable tool in assessing the safety and compatibility of new relationships
NOTICE RED FLAGS EARLY
Keep your eyes open for warning signs early in any relationship but particularly if you’ve suffered abuse before. Some examples include possessiveness, jealousy, dictating what you wear and putting you down as a ‘joke’.
Victims of abuse may be particularly vulnerable to ‘love bombing’, where a partner tries to accelerate the relationship, expressing emotions too intense for that stage. Being you’re incredible is appealing, but manipulative partners know this, and often use these tactics to draw you in.
ESTABLISH AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES
It’s normal to require more communication or reassurance than average after an abusive relationship. Don’t feel guilty for defining and asserting your boundaries for in your next relationship, even if you feel what you require is beyond the ‘norm’. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for your healing and well-being.
Years of abuse might make you think communicating your needs or calling out behaviour you don’t like makes you a ‘drama queen’. But as someone who has previously suffered, it’s so important you define these boundaries.
A slow approach will help build a solid foundation for future relationships, conveying self respect to your new partner – and deterring potential narcissists.
TRUST YOUR INTUITION
Survivors of abuse have been conditioned to seek external approval and validation, as relying on their own judgment may have led to negative consequences. Rebuilding this trust in yourself and your instincts is essential for healing and developing healthy relationships.
If a situation or behaviour feels off, honour that feeling. Your intuition is a valuable tool in assessing the safety and compatibility of new relationships.
LEARN ABOUT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Embarking on a new relationship can feel scary, especially if you’ve never encountered a healthy relationship before. It’s essential to educate yourself on what mutual respect looks like so that you know what is acceptable and what is not.
There is so much information out there about abusive relationships with narcissists. But you want to learn from someone who is about supporting your healing, not just keeping you stuck in a victim mindset, because you can heal and thrive after abuse.
In my book, How To Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, and on my podcast, Trauma and Narcissism Redefined, I want women to learn that what has happened is not your fault and you are not alone.
This understanding empowers you to make informed choices.
TAKE THINGS SLOW
Allow relationships to develop at a comfortable pace. Rushing can obscure red flags and lead to emotional entanglement before trust is established. Taking your time fosters a deeper understanding of your partner and your dynamics. After seven dates, you may start to see red flags.
There is no set time frame for personal healing. Don’t put pressure on yourself and enjoy the process, as you can have fun along the way.
SEEK THERAPY
Engaging with a therapist who specialises in healing after abuse can provide invaluable guidance. Therapy offers a safe space to process experiences, develop coping strategies and reinforce healthy patterns.
By implementing these tips, you can approach relationships with confidence and clarity, laying the groundwork for healthier and more balanced connections.
Remember, your past experiences do not define your future and with intentional steps, you can cultivate the loving relationship you deserve – and not let the fear of your past ruin your present or your future.