JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who finds herself torn between a hot new lover and angry mother
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I pulled down his trunks
My Mum is furious that I’m sleeping with her ex-lover.
She’s threatening to ban me from her house and write me out of her will. She’s told my sister that she will never be able to forgive me for this outrageous betrayal.
But she’s overreacting.
She and my new lover (her ex) were never suited. They never lived together and only dated for a few months. Yet she’s acting like she’s been stabbed in the back. How do I tell her that she needs to get over herself?
He and I got together a few weeks ago in a neighbour’s swimming pool. The neighbour throws amazing pool parties and my fella and I clicked after he pushed me in the water and threw an inflatable flamingo at my head.
I got him back by pulling down his trucks and hitting him with a noodle. It was knockabout, playful stuff. But then we got serious. We found ourselves groping and fondling under the water. I could tell he was excited, so we clambered out and ran to the shed-cum-changing room for the most urgent, and passionate bonk of my life. He had me over the rumbling tumble dryer while others drank cocktails.
I still think about that first time even though we’re at it every day and he excites me like no one else. Yet my angry mother continues to be an issue.
She can’t stand the fact that I’m happy and no longer at her beck and call. How do I make her see that she’s being pathetic?
JANE SAYS: Try and be kind and accept that your mother feels humiliated and alone. If she liked your new boyfriend herself, then no one would blame her for feeling let down and ridiculous. Don’t give up on her. Give her some time and space. Respect her position and keep in mind that she’s hurting. Maybe don’t keep posting pictures of you and your new guy together on social media because a little sensitivity never goes amiss…
Are you sure that this guy is right for you? Are you with him for all the right reasons i.e. because you feel a genuine connection and care for him and not because you’re enjoying getting one up on your mum? Think about it.
When you feel the time is right, go round to her place with a peace offering – like a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates – and tell her that you love and miss her.
How about going for a coffee or a day out or on holiday together? What would she like to do with just you?
Explain that you’ve found happiness, but your new relationship changes nothing between you. Emphasise that you want her to be involved in your new life because she’s your mother.
If she needs time to adjust, then, again, respect that. Maybe your new relationship will go the distance, maybe it won’t, you’ll just have to wait and see. However, if you and your guy DO make a go of things and decide this relationship is more than sex and fun, then hopefully, in time, your mum will be able to accept him and welcome him into your family because bitterness and anger don’t get us anywhere.
We snogged and drank cider
I’ve heard my first love is back in town.
She’s recently divorced and loaded. Dare I call her up and suggest a date? I haven’t seen her for twenty years, but I can’t stop thinking about our brilliant, carefree times together. We lost our virginities to each other in her parents’ bed. We spent days on the beach and nights under the stars snogging and drinking cider.
We clicked on every level and had such a laugh.
We only split because her dad got a job in Canada, and she went to university out there. Now she’s back. I’m in a relationship but I’m not happy.
Could a reconciliation work?
JANE SAYS: Tempting as it is to turn back the clock, I don’t think that contacting your ex would be a good idea. You’re a different person now with a busy life.
You and she broke up for a reason.
Of course, looking back can be moving but you mustn’t lose sight of who you are now and what you have. With sex comes responsibility and, I suspect, your current partner would be devastated if she discovered you were sniffing around.
Surely you should be concentrating your energy on your partner and the problems you’re experiencing as a couple. How does she feel? What can you and she do together to relight your fire and come together again?
Nursing me ended our sex life
My boyfriend simply wants to be my friend in future.
He loves me but no longer fancies me in a sexual way.
If he’s honest he desires other women and wants to be free to spread his seed (his words, not mine).
He found nursing me when I got severe gastroenteritis recently very challenging. Seeing me at my worst with a green face and bucket by the bed killed all romance. He now finds me too familiar, and intimacy feels inappropriate and a bit icky. How dare he simply cast me aside. It was hardly my fault that I got sick, was it?
JANE SAYS: Keep talking to him; explain that you crave a fully rounded adult relationship. Is he willing to consider counselling in an effort to get your sex life back on track again? Admittedly, seeing you at your worse can’t have been easy but he needs to be reminded that you’re still the same person he fell in love with.
Is he struggling with work or drink or money? Sadly, if he really doesn’t think that there is any way back, then you’ll have to concede that this relationship has run its course and start again.
I worry she’s being controlled
My friend never has any money when we go out.
It’s always left to me to fork out for drinks and coffees. Even when I take sandwiches to work, I feel obliged to share them with her. She and I earn roughly the same, but she’s hinted that her boyfriend is controlling. Help.
JANE SAYS: Economic control is a recognised form of domestic abuse, and your friend doesn’t have to put up with being kept down.
You have no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors. Are you inclined to ask her if she’s okay. Offer to help. Can she be encouraged to leave him? She can get support from the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247). She needs to understand that she is not stuck. She is not on her own.