JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who isn’t comfortable with the idea of being filmed in the bedroom
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She wants to bring in others too
My girlfriend wants us to make a raunchy sex tape.
She says that that getting naked and jiggling our bits for the camera will be fun and give us something to do now that the nights are drawing in. She’s suggesting we produce a storyboard and film it like a proper film with different scenes, angles and a script. She’s suggesting exotic characters and an element of humour.
She’s talking sex toys, dressing up and filming all over the flat from the kitchen counters to the steamy shower for risky fun.
She’s even saying that if the first tape goes well, then we can think about inviting other, open minded, people over and to make a sequel. My outrageous girl has got big ideas and thinks we could become Internet stars.
I can’t think of anything worse. We’ve been together for 18 months. We’re very committed and in love, but what if we fall out? What if we make a film, or two or three and she uses them against me?
A friend of mine once made a very brief tape with his old flatmate. They bonked on the roof top of their old apartment building, and she sent it to his boss and parents when they split up. He nearly lost everything.
My girl and I have a good relationship but we’re by no means perfect. We have rows and bust ups just like anyone else. She frequently annoys me just as much as I annoy her. Recently we fell out over a broken tap, and we didn’t speak for days. Eventually we made up after I apologised – even though it wasn’t my fault. What if a future row were to escalate?
JANE SAYS: You must trust your instincts. If you don’t feel comfortable with this idea, then you must be prepared to stand up for yourself and say ‘no thanks’.
Your girlfriend needs to hear that her raunchy idea is a non-starter. Making a sex tape may seem like a risqué project during a boring period, but the resulting footage would be pure dynamite. What about the pitfalls? What about jealousy? Performance anxiety and body confidence? What if the resulting footage falls into the wrong hands?
None of us know where we’ll be or what we’ll be doing in the future. A snippet in the wrong hands could bring her down – and you with it. It could be something that haunts you for the rest of your life. Who are these other ‘open minded’ people she’s talking about bringing into your home and your relationship? What do you know about them? Can they be trusted?
If it’s more exciting sex your girl is after, then create your characters and have some fun in the privacy of your own bedroom. Create your scenes, dress up and let your imaginations run riot. But for goodness’ sake don’t commit anything to film or it’ll be hanging over you like an unending nightmare. A quick flick through the Internet reveals that a large number of famous – and not so famous people – deeply regret making sex tapes. Don’t add yourselves to that list.
He belittles me
When is my bloke going to start taking me seriously?
Our sex life is good and we do everything – holidays, nights out etc – together. Yet he still refuses to upgrade me to partner status. I cringe whenever he introduces me to new people as his ‘girlfriend’. I feel about 14.
Any time I complain he huffs: “Labels aren’t important to me”. We don’t live together because he likes his own space, but I’d like to know where I stand. Is he serious about me?
Is that too much to ask for? We’ve been together for four years
JANE SAYS: Does your man have a problem with commitment? Is he worried that a change of status will result in him having his wings clipped or his freedom curtailed? I suggest you orchestrate a heart-to-heart conversation. Lay your cards on the table and be honest about what it is you want. You may consider that a gamble, but if he isn’t interested in moving beyond the girlfriend/boyfriend stage – and you want more – then you need to know. What you can’t do is allow this matter to fester and upset you. Unfortunately, if it transpires that he isn’t interested in making you a more permanent fixture in his life, then is what you currently have good enough for you? If you feel insulted or belittled, then do you need to move on?
Angry dad won’t forgive
My Dad is furious that I am back in contact with my Mum. He’s still angry that she ran off with his best friend. He cannot forgive or forget. How do I get him to stop telling me that I’m a disgrace when she’s, my mother? I’m 26 years of age and they divorced five years ago.
JANE SAYS: Your Dad needs to hear that you speaking to your Mum doesn’t mean that you love him any less. You understand that he still feels angry because he was hurt and humiliated by the two people, he trusted the most, but denying you a meaningful relationship with your own mum solves nothing. Make it clear that you have enough love to go round and that you won’t be told what to do.