JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who struggles to match the spending power of his wealthy mates
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If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published.
Strapped for cash
Keeping up with my free spending pals is crippling me.
I’ve been mates with a gang of six blokes since school. We see each other a couple of times a week and celebrate birthdays and go on holiday together.
My salary is okay. However, the others are much flusher than me. I suspect one fella may have won some money or been left an inheritance because he’s got so much dosh to fling about. He pushes for us to visit lap dancing clubs and posh cocktail lounges. For his birthday he hired private dancers and escorts to a private party in a fancy rented apartment. We enjoyed the best vodka and food and the floor show was amazing…
I can’t even begin to imagine how much it cost and stretched myself buying him expensive aftershave and champagne as a gift. Now he’s talking about the fabulous trips we need to book for next year, but I’m strapped for cash. A round of drinks with my mates can cost me £30 a throw. Any time one of them gets engaged or married I’m in for thousands of pounds for clothes, gifts and travel.
My birthday is coming up in January and they’re already asking me what I planning. Yes, I could put a party on a new credit card but I’m already up to the max on two others. This is a nightmare. I don’t want to be viewed as a taker or a party pooper but I’m just not in the same league as the others. How do I get across to them that I do want to remain friends – and stay in the same social circle – but I have limits when it comes to splashing out?
It’s come to the point where I live in dread of the next invitation coming in. Plus, I can’t afford to have a full time girlfriend because I can’t afford one. Help.
JANE SAYS: You need to get a grip before you fall too far and ruin your life. The reality is that you’re under no obligation to keep up with your friends. You have no way of knowing how much they earn or what they have saved. Some of them could be just like you – living on the edge in order to keep up appearances. Overspending is a fool’s game. Yes, going out for a drink or on a fun holiday is a laugh but we must cut our coat according to our cloth. If one of your pals really has inherited or won a substantial amount of cash, then how can you possibly even try to keep up?
I understand the strength of peer pressure, but you must resolve to be your own person.
Besides, do you really want to be splashing cash on expensive booze, escort girls and lap dancing clubs? Just asking…
Is this really the life you wish to lead or do you find yourself swept along by some very big and very demanding personalities.
You mention at the very end of your letter that you’re too broke for a girlfriend. If it’s love you crave, then shouldn’t that be your priority? Start saying ‘no’ to invitations that don’t interest you and start listening to your heart. A bottle of booze isn’t going to keep you warm at night. Get in now and make it clear that your next birthday is going to be a quiet one – and don’t feel guilty about it.
Fast love
I take my laptop to a local coffee shop to work. I’ve fallen for a barista, and we’ve developed a close bond. He says he wants to be with me full time. My long-term partner and has become neglectful and distant. My new friend listens to what I have to say. He thinks we could make a go of things. His landlord is selling up, and he’s suggested we get somewhere together in the New Year.
This is all happening so fast and my emotions are all over the place. We’ve kissed and touched (in the storeroom) but have never had sex. What must I do?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow this individual to put pressure on you because you hardly know him. A couple of conversations a day don’t constitute a fully formed relationship. Have you seen him lose his temper? Has he ever seen you juggling your numerous responsibilities? Do you know anything of his finances? I’m sorry to sound unromantic but there’s still a mountain to climb. For a start, you must give your partner a chance to save your relationship. He must hear that you feel neglected. He deserves respect and the truth. Tell your new friend that you will not be rushed. Take a break from visiting the café and really think this through.
Girl never wants sex
I deeply regret leaving my ex-wife for my current girlfriend. I was blinded by sex. I’d grown bored of my dependable wife who adored me. I was seduced by my girlfriend’s flattery and edginess and love of risky sex. How could I have been so shallow? Today my girlfriend is brattish and demanding. She’s selfish and vain and never fancies sex at all. The grass is by no means greener. Meanwhile my ex is dating a good friend of mine and I realise that I’ve messed up big time.
JANE SAYS: New relationships are exciting because we present the best versions of themselves. When you fell for your girlfriend, everything was dangerous and edgy. You were seduced by her energy and were swept along by her sexual appetite. Now everyday life has kicked in, and you realise you’ve made a mistake, but you don’t have to stay. Take personal responsibility for the fact you took a wrong turn and plan your future as a single person.
If you feel your ex is owed an apology, then be big enough to offer one, but then wish her well while you pull yourself to your full height and learn from this episode. Will your girlfriend even care if you leave?
Sis enjoys seeing me fall
My sister has always been a spiteful, now she’s delighted that my career is in tatters. I was hoping to become a classical dancer, but a stupid injury has killed my dreams. She thinks this ‘serves me right’ for having ‘lofty ideas’ and thinking that I’m better than everyone else. What’s her problem?
JANE SAYS: You cannot allow your sister’s childish attitude to hold you back. Turn her negative energy on its head and use it to spur you on. Remember that your best form of ‘revenge’ is success. You’re clearly a dedicated, hardworking person so look at your options. Discount nothing and keep pushing forwards. It sounds as if your sister is to be pitied, especially if she has unrealised dreams and ambitions of her own. Is it worth levelling with her?