To the people she met through her corporate PR job, glamorous Sarah Lloyd seemed to have it all: a high-flying career, cosy family life and a vivacious personality which always made her the life and soul of any social event.
But unbeknownst to them, her heavy, daily drinking meant that she was also struggling with crippling anxiety, burnout and a lingering sense of shame, which she believes are connected to her using alcohol to navigate life with undiagnosed autism.
Ms Lloyd, 48, explained: ‘Drinking at first was always about fitting in.
‘It was my way of letting go, blocking out how I was feeling and attempting to fit in with others around me—and I had no off switch—I would just keep going until the money ran out or I was kicked out.
‘I am not officially diagnosed [with autism or ADHD] but when I hit peri-menopause I had a realisation that a lot of my behaviours and communication style isn’t just down to high functioning anxiety, it was much deeper than that.
‘I used alcohol to help me overcome my awkwardness.
‘I would take things very literally and found it hard to know when someone was joking and when they weren’t.
‘I would say yes to everything and had no boundaries to the point I would often endanger myself.
Sara Lloyd believes being autistic caused her to rely on alcohol to navigate life
‘And if plans changed on me, I would think that everyone hated me.’
While Ms Lloyd hasn’t been officially diagnosed with autism by a psychiatrist, many of her self-reported symptoms align with the condition, and she believes she has that or AuDHD.
Autism is not a disease and is present from birth, although it may not be recognised until childhood or even much later in life.
It exists on a spectrum: at its most severe, people with autism might not be able to communicate at all and require lifelong care, while others can live independently with little support but find forming relationships challenging.
The other form of neurodivergence is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which can cause restlessness, forgetfulness and anxiety.
It is also common for someone to be diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which is dubbed AuDHD.
Both conditions have historically been critically underdiagnosed in women, meaning that there has been a huge spike in middle aged women seeking a formal diagnosis, adding extra pressure on already stretched NHS diagnostic services.
Figures released in December 2024 revealed that there were over 224,000 people—130,000 of who were under-18— on the waiting list for an autism assessment in England.
She was always the life and soul of the party, but there were crushing lows when she got home
Until a decade ago, autism was only believed to affect boys—as with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)—meaning there’s been a huge surge in women discovering they have it later in life.
It is common for people with autism to prefer predictability and dislike loud, chaotic spaces—and Ms Lloyd, who lives in Hampshire, says this describes her to a T.
After reflecting on decades of difficulty with sensory overwhelm, social masking, people-pleasing and anxiety, she realised she was likely living with autism or ADHD, a discovery that has reframed her entire relationship with alcohol.
Ms Lloyd’s drinking hit its peak in her 30s and early 40s, and she relied on booze to get through high-pressure days at work, necking a drink most evenings and bingeing at weekends just to feel ‘normal’.
She said: ‘I lost friends and potential partners because of how I behaved when drunk.
‘I would often text the night after a major session, panicking that I had upset people, often not remembering what I had said.
‘Work kept me putting one foot in front of the other.
‘Mentally it was a rollercoaster.’
She quit drinking in 2015, after the birth of her second child
But having a few drinks didn’t always guarantee that Ms Lloyd would be able to navigate busy social situations, and she remembers that often she would still be overwhelmed, sometimes having to leave events suddenly without warning.
‘I would either be the life and soul, or withdraw from plans or leave gatherings without a second glance,’ she said.
‘I felt uncomfortable in my own skin most of the time and never felt like I truly fitted in, so I learned to copy others and worried I would be found out.’
Ms Lloyd’s route to sobriety began after the birth of her second child in 2015.
After the birth of her second child, Ms Lloyd suffered severely from crippling panic attacks and anxiety that left her terrified and desperate for answers.
When antidepressants and CBT didn’t help, she turned to alternative therapies including reiki, a Japanese stress reduction technique, to try to bring calmess and clarity to her life.
Reiki devotees claim it reduces stress, increases relaxation, and promotes healing.
It involves laying hands over the body based on the idea that an unseen life force energy flows through us while we are alive; and, if your life force energy is weak, you are more likely to feel stress or become unwell.
Ms Lloyd turned her back on her corporate job and became a reiki practitioner
The experience sparked a huge shift in Ms Lloyd, and, after attending the Mind Body Spirit Festival in London in 2017, she found herself quitting her corporate job and retraining as a reiki practitioner.
Ms Lloyd, who also fronts the Shame-Less Stories podcast, said: ‘It was like someone had switched a light on inside me.
‘I felt this sense of peace and calm I hadn’t felt before.
‘Before the festival I had a successful career in a global role, two small children, a marriage and on paper life was great.
‘But in reality I was struggling.
‘At my worst, when single, I would drink a bottle of wine a night.
‘I was spending around £50 a week on alcohol.
‘I primarily drank wine but when I tried to calm my drinking down I switched to beer.
‘I was drinking too much, had high-functioning anxiety and was working all hours.
‘I had already always had a leaning to the more spiritual way of life in my younger years, but had shut it all off until I realised conventional ways were not helping.
‘I had tried anti-depressants and they just turned all my feelings off.’
Instead of seeing herself as weak or overly sensitive, Ms Lloyd chooses to view her past through the lens of someone who was struggling without the language or awareness to explain it.
Today she is alcohol-free, grounded and focused on helping other women share their stories.
She added: ‘I’ve learned that understanding myself – my mind, my body, and my patterns – has been far more powerful than any drink ever was.
‘Now I face life with clarity, not a bottle, and that freedom is priceless.’