JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader whose ‘helpful’ sexual tips went down like a lead balloon
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He didn’t like being told
Recently, during a heart-to-heart about sex, I gave my husband some notes and pointers.
We were propped up in bed, and I thought we were being honest with each other so I listed all the ways our sex life could be better. I complained about his reluctance to give me oral sex, his lack of imagination when it comes to different sexual positions and his unwillingness to throw caution to the wind and indulge me when I fancy sex in unusual places – such as the garden and park. I pointed out that he used to be far more adventurous when we first got together in 2016.
I said that I’d like him to take risks and be naughty again. I reminded him of the time we had sex in the lift at his old job. His ex-boss caught us mid-bonk and didn’t bat an eyelid. He simply rode up to the tenth floor as if we weren’t there. It was hilarious.
I ended up by giving my partner a ‘five out of ten’ for effort and a ‘three out of ten’ for imagination. Look, I wasn’t prepared to sugar coat or lie because our sex life DOES need a kick up the backside. To be absolutely fair, I then critiqued my own sexual performance and gave myself a meagre ‘two out of ten’.
I admit that I often make excuses about being too tired for passion and deliberately wait until he’s asleep before going to bed to avoid intimacy. The point I was trying to make is that we’ve both become complacent and guilty of taking each other for granted, but now he’s miffed.
He’s sleeping with his back to me and behaving like a big kid. He’s hardly talking to me. We’ve been married for years. Surely, I’m allowed to be honest about something as serious as our sex life?
JANE SAYS: Never underestimate the power of negative language. Harsh words can wound. How would you like it if he went for you like a rottweiler?
There is always a good and a bad ways of saying sensitive things and I don’t get the impression that your heart-to-heart was particularly kind or fair. Your poor fella must have felt like he was under fire as you picked apart his sexual technique, imagination and energy.
No wonder he’s now miffed. Giving him marks out of ten was cruel and you need to apologise for that. Pick your moment and admit that you were wrong. Of course, we should always aim to talk problems through, but you should have thought before you blabbed.
If he’s someone who is struggling with his sexual confidence and life in general, then your comments can’t have been helpful. I understand that you and he need to get your sex life back on track, but respect and courtesy must be the way forward. Suggest going back to square one with kind words and gestures in everyday life. From there you can consider date nights (where you make an effort for each other) with a move towards making sex a priority. You clearly care for him so ask him to understand that you are coming from a place of love – you just want things to be good again.
Mates take advantage
My partner does anything for anyone. He is a people pleaser, and I love him for his kind heart and generous nature. The problem is that certain individuals take advantage. His parents and siblings are shameless takers, while his mates aren’t much better.
From borrowing money to demanding lifts and favours, he’s the go-to guy. This drives me crazy, but he tells me not to fret because he likes helping out.
At the moment an old school mate has asked him to look after his dogs and keep an eye on his business while he goes travelling for two months. This is too much. How can I save him from himself?
JANE SAYS: Some individuals like to keep busy and enjoy feeling needed. If your partner doesn’t have a problem being Mr Useful, then accept that, that is who he is. Just make him promise that he’ll listen to you if you fear that he’s overdoing things. He also needs to realise that you need time and attention too. Insist on regular unbreakable dates and private, couple time.
I suspect it was his positive ‘can-do’ attitude that attracted you to him in the first place. Don’t attempt to clip his wings simply for doing what comes naturally. As for looking after someone else’s dogs in your home, tell him ‘forget it’. The globetrotting pal will have to make other plans.
I want her sex
My feelings towards my ex-boss have changed.
Since she was made redundant, we’ve become close friends, but I want to go further. I yearn to hold her, kiss her and touch her. I think about her all the time in a sexual way.
We’re going to a wedding in Spain next month. We’ll be sharing a room, and I don’t know how I’ll react to being in a confined space with her. I’ve known her for so long but don’t know how to tell her how I feel.
JANE SAYS: Resolve to enjoy the upcoming trip with your friend and just see how you get on on a day-to-day basis. Don’t reveal your feelings or put any kind of pressure on her, because, if she doesn’t feel the same way, then she could feel uncomfortable and compromised.
Trips away can be difficult and intense at the best of times. If you still feel attracted to her when you get back, then pick an appropriate moment to speak, but only do so if you feel she would be receptive to such a confession.
Trust your instincts and be aware of how she treats you but also talks about other love interests – either male or female – too.
Silence isn’t golden
I thought my boyfriend loved me, but he’s simply disappeared. I last saw him on October 31st. He left my flat at 10pm saying that he’d call me the next morning. I’ve not heard a word from him since. His sister tells me he’s ‘fine’ but he’s not taking my calls or phoning me back. What did I do wrong?
JANE SAYS: I suggest you give this guy all the time and the space he needs. Accept that he is doing his own thing. If, in time, he does come back to you, then you’ll have to listen to him in order to decide if he is right for you.
Ultimately, you can’t allow anyone to mess you around, waste your time or break your heart. Perhaps your relationship was too intense for him?