Q I’m worried about how much my wife drinks. She’s 49, I’m a few years older, and we were both fairly heavy drinkers when we first got together 15 years ago.
But I’ve had to cut back – my job’s too demanding. We have two children, aged 12 and ten, and my wife goes out every week with a group of mums from their school.
She usually comes back quite drunk. I’ve tried raising my concerns, but she insists that everyone else drinks as much as her and that it’s just ‘a few proseccos with friends’.
I spoke to one of the mums, who admitted they are also worried. They often have to stop my wife ordering another bottle.
She also drinks every evening at home, saying it helps her unwind. It’s now affecting our relationship and sex life – she often falls asleep in front of the TV or is too hungover for intimacy.
I don’t think she drinks during the day, but I still find her intake deeply worrying. She won’t listen to my protests, and I don’t know how to help her see that it’s a problem.
A It’s understandable that you’re so concerned. What you describe suggests that her alcohol use has moved beyond social drinking.
Many people in this situation reassure themselves that it’s ‘just a few glasses’ or that everyone else does the same, but that’s often a way of minimising the problem.
Drinking every evening points to an overreliance on alcohol as a way to cope with stress or unhappiness. Once someone develops habitual associations with alcohol, cutting down or stopping can be a daunting prospect.
Choose a quiet, sober time and express your feelings gently. You could say something like ‘I’m really worried about how much you’re drinking, and I’m scared about what it’s doing to you and to us.’ Keeping it empathic, without criticism, will make her less defensive.
Since her friends have also noticed, you might ask if one or two could gently mention their concerns – hearing it from others can help someone realise the impact more clearly. Encourage her to speak to her GP, who can discuss ways to get local support.
You could also suggest the Try Dry app from Alcohol Change UK (alcoholchange.org.uk), which helps people track their drinking and set goals for cutting back – seeing how much she is really drinking written down can be a powerful wake-up call.
They could also advise on medications such as naltrexone which, used under medical guidance, can sometimes help break the addiction pattern.
And do look after yourself. Living with someone who drinks heavily is stressful – especially as your sex life is suffering. Alcohol Change (as above), Al-Anon Family Groups (al-anonuk.org.uk) and Adfam (adfam.org.uk) offer confidential help for families. You don’t have to cope with this alone.
HOW CAN I HELP COLLEAGUES STOP FEUDING?
Q I have a friend at work who is generally supportive and kind. However, she can be hot-headed and will never let an argument go.
Lately, she has had a spat with another colleague because she tried to sort out a situation that wasn’t her concern.
My friend, who is in her 40s, has ADHD and does everything at a rate of knots. I know she was only trying to help, but she didn’t stop to think first.
The situation has been glossed over but has set up bad feelings between them and each now complains to me about the other. I love them both dearly but I am upset they are cross with each other. I just want them to get on.
A It is always difficult for the tolerant friend or colleague in the group because they are the person the others complain to! This is tricky for you because they should sort out disagreements themselves and not make them your problem.
However, asking them to do this would understandably be uncomfortable for you. You are clearly warm-hearted and I suspect you hate conflict, tending instead to play the role of ‘peacemaker’.
I think what will work is if you tell them, gently but also with a touch of humour, pretty much what you’ve told me. Explain, separately, that you love them both dearly and that you know the other one can be maddening – just as we all are at times – but ask if they could overlook these foibles.
Urge them to get on because you haven’t quite finished your United Nations diplomatic training module yet! There is a famous 1967 book, I’m OK, You’re OK (old-fashioned, but not without its uses), by Thomas A Harris, which they might find interesting.