Trump gave a speech before a lighthearted annual event – and someone thought it was appropriate to tell jokes about torture camps and sling insults at his enemies
Donald Trump today took a lighthearted moment – the pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey – and made it about himself and his grievances. It was, in a crowded field, one of the most inappropriate speeches he’s given in public. He made a string of off-colour remarks, attacked and insulted his enemies and made jokes about sending people to torture camps. Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Meanwhile in Trumpworld
- Trump tries out his standup set
- Zelensky says maybe
- Trump’s revenge court cases got booted out
- Hegseth goes all “A Few Good Men”
- Maxine Waters tells us what she really thinks about Donald Trump
Here’s everything you need to know.
1. Trump pardons someone who isn’t a crony or Jan 6 rioter for a change
Donald Trump used his presidential authority to grant clemency to some poor, wretched creature today. And for once, the beneficiary of his generosity is neither a Republican crony, a Crypto billionaire linked to one of his firms, a fantasist or fraudster. Neither, to our knowledge, did they take part in the January 6th riot.
You see, Thanksgiving is this week. And, genuinely, there is an annual tradition of the President “pardoning” two turkeys – symbolically granting them immunity from being eaten over the holiday season. Cue lots of “George Santos already got his sentence commuted, so there’s no need this year” gags.
Presumably Trump knows about as much about the turkeys’ background and crimes as he did about the hundreds of other people he definitely didn’t use the autopen to pardon.
We, however, can confirm they are named Waddle and Gobble.
2. Trump makes jokes about sending people to torture camps
I was going to suggest you make your own jokes about Waddle and Gobble, but Trump beat me to it.
“Instead of pardons,” he said at an event on the White House lawn, “Some of my more enthusiastic staffers were already drafting the paperwork to ship Gobble and Waddle straight to the Terrorist Confinement Center in El Salvador.”
You know, the literal torture camp where Trump “accidentally” sent people. It was a bold routine to try out in front of a cold crowd. He’s here all week. Tip your waitress.
3. The jokes just kept coming
He said of Waddle and Gobble: “I shouldn’t say this. I was gonna call them Chuck [Schumer, the Democrat Senate Minority leader] and Nancy [Pelosi, the Democrat former House speaker]. But then I realised I wouldn’t be pardoning them. I would never pardon those two people. I wouldn’t pardon them. I wouldn’t care what Melania told me.”
Later he said he wasn’t going to make a joke that a speechwriter had written about Illinois Governor and frequent sparring partner JB Pritzker’s weight because he doesn’t talk about people’s weight. He almost immediately afterward described Pritzker as a “fat slob”.
And he claimed that due to his deploying the military to Washington DC, there hadn’t been a murder in the capital in six months. Which is almost true, he’s only 61 murders out. But who’s counting?
4. And he couldn’t possibly pardon a Turkey without mentioning…
… Joe Biden. Trump joked that his predecessor had used an “autopen” to pardon last year’s Turkey.
“So I have the official duty to determine, and I have determined that last year’s Turkey pardons are totally invalid,” he said. Which in fairness, is a good joke.
5. Zelensky says most of Trump’s peace plan is fine
Keir Starmer said today that talks on a potential ceasefire in Ukraine were “moving in a positive direction, and Vlodymyr Zelnsky has indicated “in large part the majority of the text” can be accepted.
Hopefully that means the text is mostly the words “Dear Putin, You get nothing, good day, sir” with, like, a recipe for biscuits underneath. He added that Ukraine had “proposed some constructive changes”, supported by European national security advisers. Mr Zelensky is expected to travel to Washington before the end of November “to complete final steps and make a deal with President Trump”, senior Ukrainian official Rustem Umerov said.
6 …and the White House says anyone who opposes it ‘might be profiting’ from the war
There was no such diplomatic language from White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt yesterday, who suggested anyone complaining about the peace deal giving bits of Ukraine to Russia and rewarding bad behaviour, had an axe to grind.
“Any idea that the United States of America is not engaging in both sides equally to bring this war to an end is a complete fallacy… That could not be further from the truth. It comes from people who have no idea what they’re talking about or people who are pushing an agenda.” She then added, without qualifying it in any way: “Maybe they are profiting off of it.”
7. Trump’s revenge court cases finally get yeeted into the sun
Meanwhile, Trump got some bad news. A judge seems to have put the final nail in his plan to have his former FBI director and nemesis James Comey jailed. And the bogus mortgage fraud case against Letitia James, the New York attorney general who investigated the president between his two terms, was charged with mortgage fraud, was also tossed out. Both pleaded not guilty and said the prosecutions were politically motivated, pointing to Trump’s public demands for the Justice Department to punish his enemies.
The judge said the interim US attorney, a former member of Trump’s personal legal team, who obtained the indictments, had been illegally appointed. Lindsey Halligan, a former insurance lawyer who had zero experience as a prosecutor, was installed to replace a prosecutor who refused to go after Trump’s enemies and was fired. But US District Judge Cameron Currie ruled her appointment breached laws that prevent the Justice Department from installing top prosecutors without Senate confirmation.
Trump could do things the old fashioned way, propose a new prosecutor, get them confirmed, set up a new case with a new Grand Jury. But there’s a problem in Comey’s case. The statute of limitations on lying to congress, the crime he’s accused of and denies, ran out in September. And because of various things that were bungled by Halligan, an indictment was never properly shown to the jury, it’s extremely unlikely he can be prosecuted again on those allegations.
8. Hegseth: “You can’t handle the truth”
Pete Hegseth has threatened to recall a long retired Navy captain, astronaut, arguably American hero and Congressman back into service in order to Court Martial him, just so he can look tough for daddy.
Mark Kelly, a Democrat Senator from Arizona, was one of the veterans who took part in a video reminding serving personnel that they swore an oath to the constitution, not to Donald Trump, and that they don’t have to follow illegal orders. You know, like conducting extrajudicial executions on Venezuelan sailors, or cracking down on peaceful protesters. That kind of thing.
Trump, you’ll recall, was fuming at this, and accused the six of ‘sedition’, for which, he claimed, they could be put to death. (They can’t).
So in a blatant bid to curry favour with Trump, who is said to be cooling on him and eying up a replacement, the “Secretary of War” has threatened to reactivate Kelly, haul him back into presumably the Navy, and ‘A Few Good Men’ him into submission.
One problem though. The US Military code is very, very particular about the conduct of trials – particularly noting that the accused’s commanding officers should be very careful not to make pronouncements on guilt or innocence that could prejudice the trail. This is particularly important in the armed forces, because it causes all kinds of problems with the chain of command. A pronouncement from a commanding officer declaring a person is guilty of Sedition might be considered an order to find them guilty.
So by declaring Kelly et al the “Seditious Six”, just like his boss, the Commander in Chief, they’ve both probably ensured they can’t be tried by court martial.
9. Maxine Waters tells us what she really thinks of Donald Trump
Democrats held a press conference slash “shadow” committee meeting to discuss the Trump administration’s immigration raids. Members of Congress, members of the public plus LA Mayor Karen Bass, shared stories of how the raids have devastated lives – and how waves protests are trying to stand up to them.
And then Maxine Waters took the mic. For those who don’t know Maxine, my earliest memory of her is from shortly after the 2000 election, when Al Gore who as sitting Vice President was forced to certify his own defeat in that decidedly fishy election result. Democrat after democrat lined up to object to the certification of Florida’s 25 electoral votes – and each was forced to admit their objection had not been co-signed by a member of the Senate. As Waters took to her feet, Gore asked if her objection was in writing and signed by a Senator, Waters replied defiantly: “The objection is in writing and I don’t care that it is not signed by a member of the Senate.” As applause rang out in the chamber, Gore sheepishly replied: “The chair will advise that the rules do care, and the signature of a senator is required.” And that was about the time Al Gore’s presidential race ended.
Anyway, fast forward to last night, when Waters once again strode to the mic, and gave this memorable description of Donald Trump: “This is an important press conference that is being held to let you know what we’re all doing resisting this lowdown, dirty, no good, filthy president of the United States of America,”