JUST JANE: Today our agony aunt Jane O’Gorman is dealing with a new issue from a Daily Star reader who is struggling to shrug off an ex-partner who fancies warming his toes in her bed
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Busted mid-grope
My ex-partner still expects to be invited over for Christmas. Despite us breaking up in the summer, he’s just sent me a list of all the presents he’d like and the food and beers I need to get in.
He’s even suggested that he wants to say over – in my bed – until January 2nd. I know what he’s doing; he thinks if he bulldozes his way back into my life then I’ll have him back for good. The fact is that we broke up because he cheated on me one time too many. I threw him out when I caught him groping a topless neighbour in our hot tub.
We aren’t married and don’t have children or pets together so there is no reason for me to ever see him again. Yet he’s not giving up.
JANE SAYS: Your ex-partner isn’t listening or taking you seriously. He thinks he can break you down and isn’t prepared to respect your position. Despite splitting with him he continues to overwhelm you.
He must hear that there is no going back. Is he willing to bow out gracefully or do you have to get tough?
And by tough that might mean contacting a solicitor or even involving the police. Make sure that friends and family know that you’re going through a tough time and get their help and protection. Stay strong and know your limits.
Life is so unfair
I feel a failure. I have a home and a partner and can – just about – pay my bills but there is nothing left over at the end of the month. Christmas is particularly tough and I have to budget very carefully to buy presents and special food for friends and family. I work for a multi-national company. I mix with a large cross section of people and it’s gradually dawning on me how little I have compared to others.
My colleagues are friendly enough. They don’t exactly brag, but the more they give away about themselves, the more I realise how much better their houses, cars and holidays are than mine. They have grandparents who die and leave them vast sums of money. They have parents who take them on fantastic holidays and give them cash lump sums to buys cars and flats.
No one has ever given me a penny. One woman I have lunch with has just casually mentioned that her in-laws are paying for her and her husband to fly to Barbados for Christmas.
Someone else is off skiing courtesy of a generous Godmother. How is that fair? I increasingly feel second rate and something of a failure. My guy says I should be grateful and count my blessings, but I’m not convinced that I have many. He’s a great person but he’s no more successful that I am. I’m sick of muddling along when everyone else seems to be winning at life. I do like my job but, maybe I need to pack it in and go somewhere else? Where am I going wrong?
JANE SAYS: I urge you to take a breath and not do anything rash.
If you like your job and feel settled and comfortable, then don’t be tempted to throw everything up in the air until you’ve thought everything through. The truth of the matter is that you only chat with some of your colleagues during your breaks.
You have no way of knowing how any of them actually live. Individuals could be mortgaged up to the hilt, in hock to credit companies or under stress in their private lives. Don’t forget that with cash gifts come expectations and it could be that their parents and grandparents expect demand certain behaviour and favours in return. You state that your relationship is happy and that IS a very real blessing. Don’t forget that some people deliberately exaggerate and lie too. Accept that it takes all sorts to make a world and block out any distracting noise while you focus on your future and personal business.
For all you know, your colleagues could be envying your personal happiness and freedom. You could be flying high this time next year, while your colleagues are struggling on a number of levels – that’s often how life goes. We’re up one minute and down the next. If you worry that you’re underachieving in general, then look at your options and work out where improvements could be made. Do you need to consider further education, or push yourself? Are you sure you’re getting all the benefits you’re entitled to? Even in a completely new job you may still find people who irritate and annoy you.
She’s minxy and highly sexed
My girlfriend continues to sleep with other men despite us agreeing that we’re in a committed relationship. Any time I catch her out, she pouts that she’s a free spirit. She says that she gets bored and lonely. She huffs that I knew what I was getting into when we met; that she’s flirty and minxy and highly sexed – that’s what attracted me to her. We both work hard; it’s just that my job takes me away from home more. I’m tired of looking over my shoulder. How can she stand to be so unkind and untrustworthy?
JANE SAYS: Why do you allow your girl to treat you so badly? What makes her so special? Does she even consider your sexual or emotional health every time she hops into bed with someone new? Insisting that the normal relationship rules don’t apply to her because she’s something special is insulting.
If you can remain loyal and true, then why can’t she?
She needs to hear that your tolerance levels are stretched to breaking point. If she’s not serious about you; if this relationship is all a game to her, then would you be better off parting for good? You deserve better. Get your sexual health checked out.
All change
My family are furious that I’m changing my surname when I get married. I’ve always hated my maiden name – I was bullied mercilessly at school about it. But my fiercely proud Dad and Granddad say I’ll betray the family if I ditch it. They’re ruining what should be a great time for me.
JANE SAYS: Level with your folks. Explain that you’ve given this subject a lot of thought and have decided that your new spouse’s name is the right one for you. Emphasise that you have no desire to insult anyone, but this is your personal choice – and you’d like them to respect that.
You’re right, this should be a wonderful time for you and them getting under your skin is unnecessary and disrespectful. You’re allowed to be your own person.